DS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SUCH A CRAP PARENT

[Mumlikeu]

I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING. ITS SO DRAINING. HE IS NEVER HAPPY OR SATISFIED. I FEEL LIKE HE CONSTANTLY WANTS ME. AND WHEN I WANT SOME ME TIME HE DETESTS ME FOR IT. HE CANNOT PLAY ALONE... EVER. UNLESS HE HAS A PLAY DATE OR SOMEONE IS WITH HIM, WATCHING HIM ETC. AND BEIEVE NOT MEANING TO SOUND HORRID ITS TIME CONSUMING AND I DONT LIKE IT. I ENJOY HIM I LOVE HIM AND LOVE BEING WITH HIM WHEN HE IS CONSTANTLY BEGGING FOR ATTENTION. HE CANNOT SLEEP AT NIGHT UNLESS HE IS WITH YOU. HE CAN OPEN TOYS R US WITH THE AMOUNT OLF TOYS HE HAS. HE HAS ACTIVITIES EVERYDAY BESIDES THURS AND HIS WEEKENDS ARE PACKED SO ITS NOT LIKE HE DOESNT HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE. I AM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF WHAT TO DO NEXT BUT I JUST FEEL LIKE CRYING RIGHT NOW... COS IM FED UP WITH HIS UNGRATEFUL ATTITUDE. HE IS ONYL 6 BLESS HIM BUT ITS LIKE HE ACTS LIKE HE IS BEING PUNISHED, BUT I JUST CANNOT POSSIBLY PLAY WITH HIM ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE TIME. INFACT I DONT WANT TO. AS I FIND HIM BORING(I KNOW HORRIBLE) BUT HE IS. HE IS JUST SO DULL, AND YET HE IS THE SCHOOL STAR AND LIGHTS UP THE ROOM WHEN THERES A CROWD. HELP ADVICE, COS I LOVE HIM SO MUCH IT HURTS ME THAT HE IS LIKE THIS. AND IM SURE IT HURTS HIM.

APOLOGIES FOR RAMBLING BUT NEEDED TO LET OFF STEAM.HE IS GENERALLY A GOOD KID, OVER AFFECTION WHICH IM USED TO. BUT JUST NEEDS TO LEARN TO PLAY ALONE FOR LONGER THAN 10MINS. ITS DRAINING!!!!!

well you know it is normal for kids to want to be with you. of course he wants you, your his mum

you talk about all the toys he has and his "social life". he is SIX. what he obviously craves is you spending time with him.
perhaps you are trying to make him do too much by himself (all the toys, all the activities) and what he actually needs is just the weekends or whatever at home with you enjoying each other?

I can't believe you said your own son is boring and dull actually.
really??? do you honestly think that?
it sounds to me liek perhaps you need help relating to him and learning how to enjoy his company and spend some time with him instead of expecting him to be happy by himself

oh dear - you and your ds are having a terrible time by the sound of it. Have you got anyone you can talk to about how you are feeling?

I'm sorry to say your ds prob knows that you find him boring and that you don't want to play with him. All the toys in the world won't change that.

Having that knowledge (that you think he's dull and boring) will IMO leave him feeling insecure and needing you in a rather clingy and desperate way - which no doubt makes you feel worse about the whole thing.

My advice would be to cancel all his activities and spend every evening after school doing things together - however boring they are. Watch TV together, snuggle up and chat about the movies you watch. Take him swimming after school or at the weekend. Bake cakes. Play football.

He isn't dull - you and he have totally different interests. But you are the adult and have to feign interest in his life.

Waht sort of childhood did you have? Did anyone ever play with you or show interest in you? Or were you an independent little soul who just got on with life? If so you might find his behaviour unusual but TBH he sounds like many anxious 6 year old boys.

The only person who can change is you - he can't get more intersting. He's only 6!

Sorry you are having such a hard time Mumlikeu. Your ds sounds a bit like my dd - very, very sociable - lights up when there is a crowd - and very very demanding of attention and affection. It's tough - I know because II reached a point where I thought "I'm sorry I can't spend one more hour on my knees playing fairies" or whatever it was ...

That was a sign that I needed to concentrate a bit more on myself and in fact I went back to work part time. That refreshed me and I am now able to play with dd with more enthusiasm.

Is it possible for you to do something for yourself during the week? Spending a couple of hours doing a hobby or just getting a baby-sitter or a friend to look after him so that you can get away on a regular basis? Even an hour a week makes a difference.

Are you sure that you find HIM boring? Or is it just the games that he wants you to play?

There have been lots of threads on here about how to encourage dc to play on their own. I'll try and find some for you.

One of the strategies I remember was always having a rigid routine ie 10 mins intensive play in the morning, 30 minutes after school and 20 minutes before bed. And sticking to it every single day. That way, the dc know that they will be getting your undivided attention at some point in the day and are happier to play in between times by themselves.

My DS is similar - he's an only child aged 5. (He has a half sister though who he sees about once a month).
I don;t find my son boring - he's entertaining, articulate, clever and funny actually BUT... that doesn't mean that I always want to play 5 yo games with him. SOmetimes you just have to get into their world, and sometimes you have to try and get them to them into yours - we do things together that I like to share like making cakes, crafty stuff, taking him out on his bike, taking him to the library, trips to museums, dancing around the living room, singing silly songs, etc. These are special times. It's all about compromise. I do send him to his room to play on his own because I feel it will develop his imagination, but it is good to spare some time to share stuff together.
DS is similar at bed times too, but you could just take a book in and cuddle up with im until he falls asleep couldn't you, and eventually he will sleep on his own.

What sort of support do you have with looking after him Mumlikeu?

There are some good tips on these threads btw:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=behaviour_development&threadid=577158-i-am-so-angry-with-dcs-a-lot-of-t he#11797527

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=behaviour_development&threadid=539628-need-practical-suggestions-strate gies-for-occupying-an-only-child-at#11009258

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/450225-do-your-children-play-on-their-own-mine-do-not?fm=9121191#9121 191

I NEED TO CLEAR UP THE FACT THAT WE DO ALOTT TOGETHER. SNUGGLE UP, CHAT ABOUT STUFF. WE VISIT LIBRARY, AND MOST OF HIS ACTIVITIES INVOVLES ME BEING THERE. AND I TAKE PART ALOT. HE DOES CONSTANTLY DANCE AROUND THE LIVING ROOM, MAKING UP NEW DANCE MOVES AS HE IS ANAL ABOUT DANCING. HE LOTS BEING CREATIVE AND MAKING UP STUFF. WE READ EVERY NIGHT. WE MAKE PANCAKES TOGETHER WHICH HE LOVES. HE JELPS ME TO COOK. AND THE TOYS ARE NOT FROM ME BUT FROM FAMILY. AS MY DS IS THE ONLY GRANCHILD IN THE FAMILY HE IS SPILT BY THEM. I DONT SEND HIM TO HIS ROOM AS HE DOESNT LIKE PLAYING BY HIMSELF. WE HAVE MOVIE NIGHTS WHERE WE TAKE TURNS TO CHOOSE THE FILM WE WATCH. MY GOD WE EVEN HAVE A DTAE NIGHT. AND I TAKE HIM OUT FOR A MEAL ETC AND WE JUST GET A CHANCE TO CATCH UP WITH EACH OTHER OUTSIDE OF THE FLAT. I PLAY PLAYSTATION WITH HIM, THOUGH IM CRAP.

MY FRUSTRATION IS........ DESPITE ALLLLLLLL THAT. I STILL FIND HE CRAVES MORE OF ME. AND IT IS ME AND HIM. I STUDY AND WORK. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW I GET THE CHANCE TO DO THINGS FOR ME. I LOVE PLAYING WITH MY SON. I AM JUST SAYING ITS DRAINING HE DOESNT PLAY BY HIMSELF LONGER THAN 10 MINS. AND YES... HE CAN BE REAL BORING AT TIMES. AS HE JUST SITS THERE DOING NOTHING. AND THEN SAY HE IS BORED! I DONT GET IT. BUT I CAN SEE HOW IT CAME ACROSS AS THOUGH I JUST DISLIKE PLAYING WITH MY SON. IM JUST NOT SUPERHUMAN. I WISH I COULD DO IT ALL BUT AS WE KNOW WE CANT. AND IT DOES GET ME DOWN. I WANT TO SEE MY BABY HAPPY, AND NOT JUST WHEN THERES PPL AROUND. HE HAS TO BE HAPPY BY HIMSELF ALSO.

EXCUSE MY SPELLING ERRORS. X

May be he just needs to be taught HOW to play by himself then, starting for a few minutes where you leave him with an activity he likes (I dunno - lego and a few model cowboys and a few toy cars) and then set a timer and say you will be back in 5 mins ...

.. then do it for 10 and so on, gradually building up to 20 mins.

I really sympathise because sometimes the more I play with dd, the more she expects and wants. It's difficult to strike a balance.

Can you bring some others in to help you, perhaps a regular baby-sitter? You sound as if you are almost an overly-conscientious parent ...may be you need to back off slightly and let him get used to you being away at various times ....??

He sounds like a great lad - really imaginative and bright - hope you manage to get something sorted x

lol... thats what i dont get countingtheflocksbynight. I have a life and its NOT a matter of help i need to get away. He goes to his gran parents fortnightly. My live-out partner has him one night a week for me to chill and have some 'me' time.

Ive done the teaching him how to play by himself. Im even tryin to learn how to ride a bike because he loves bike riding, ironicaly i taught him how to ride. lol

So you see he isnt constantly with me. And we arent constantly indoors. But...when we are its a whole different kettle of fish. He shuts down. I have to over work what happens in order for us to have a good day in the house. Its harder in the winter.
Friends reckon he wants a baby sibling. I think there might be some truth to it.

And interestingly enough my Mum says he doesnt do this demanding thing with her. And so does my partner. And they arent as anal with him. Infact they can easily have a fun day indoors doing nothing.
I couldnt even dream of doing that. He just doesnt let 'us' chill out. He constantly wants something to happen.

Thats where im confused. If there is a friend in the house with their child, i dont even see or hear from my DS all you can hear is laughter. As soon as someone is gone.... he shuts down.

When i used to work full time and would come home to the sitter, the houe would be in a mess which made me happy as it seemed he had a fun day playing. I beg my 6 year old child to make mess. Who does that??

Mumlikeu - mmm that's a difficult one - I only have one dd so am not very experienced -
maybe somelike like HonoriaGlossop would be able to help if she is around - her advice is always very sound

Also, I'm a bit confused ... you say he "shuts down" but also that "he constantly wants something to happen"

does he shut down when you - understandably -tell him he has to play by himself for a few minutes?

Or does he "shut down" as soon as he comes home?

Is he tired? Or perhaps missing your partner?

bumping for input from those with more expertise than me ....

I wish i could get more input as i desperately need it. Tryin to shake off the feeling even though hes ben in bed for a while now. Im anxious and dread tommorrow. And thats not how its suppose to be.

He shuts down when we get home. Im in the process of moving himes as i think the house is also part of the problem its small and i dont think he has room to much.

And he constantly wants things to happen if we happen to be in on the weekend. eg rainy day he finds it find to just chill and let the day happen. Stay in Pj's, watch tv. I dont think i now what a lie in is when hes around. He gets up early and wants me to get active there and then.

I know he misses my partner. And my partner is aware of this. But we cant live together right now, as its better off the way it is.

Im grateful u even care. I just dont know what else to do. Im seeing the pyhscologist on monday for his sleep problems, maybe someelse might come up from it.
I feel like a crap mother. And i dont think i deserve to beat myself up like that. I love my baby and i know he loves me. We talk alooooooot and hes very expressive wiith his feelings and opinions. I just dont want to get it wrong. I dont want to mess up. I love him so much! I know i cant MAKE him happy but i can try.

Sorry you are going through such a tough time - it is very draining looking after an energetic 6 year old - and it's a very, very stressful time of year.

You are obviously NOT a crap mother - just one who is feeling understandably overwhelmed right now.

I didn't know your ds had sleep problems - being constantly tired is enough to get anyone down .

Hope the appointment goes well next week and bumping for you now...

thank u my dear. Besides this im actually good. Cant believ its xmas eve nect week. Wow how quickly this year has gone. Maybe i should get married and have another baby..lol

dont see that helping things though

bumping for Mumlikeu - any advice anyone?

[digression - can't believe how quickly this year has gone either - I'm about two months behind!!]

lol I just realised ppl wont give advice cos a few weeks back i had a few harsh words to say to some very rude ppl on here. I think they are still against me.
(They were rude to me and i refuse to just take it so i told them how i felt)(hmm)
I refuse to change my name cos we are all grown ups and i dont see why we cant be honest with each other.

Oh well i should be grateful your taking out time to even help. (screams)

Oh it might not be that Mumslikeu - I think people are very busy at this time of year and I can never remember who I've said what to frankly!!

People are very stressed at the moment too ...

Bumping for you ..

It's not surprising he's less demanding for everyone else! You are his special one. It's you he wants. Although it doesn't feel like it it's a compliment to you .

But perhaps somewhere in amongst everything what you are describing is an anxious child? Anxious about you? Worrying you are his only parent and what would happen if? Worrying you are not happy with him at times so he's constantly testing out how much you love him? Worrying sometimes you find him boring and dull? Worrying that he doesn't know how you want him to be? Anxious at night because your partner left him and you might leave him too? We know you won't but he doesn't - however much you reassure him because the reality is that someone he loved (presumably) DID leave him.

I'm sure the psychologist will talk with you about all these things - good luck with the appointment.

My dd was very demanding. It got a lot worse when I was tired or stressed; it's like she had to ask for more and more because I was doubting whether I'd be able to give it iyswim. Ds is a bit the same.

Can't offer much advice, don't know if I did anything right, she just grew out of it. To some extent. She still needs me a lot, but in a more grown-up way, which is less draining.

Thanks guys. I am certainly going to put your advice to practice esp xmasbooksgalore. I have been doing alotttt of thinking. And if im honest i think alot of it stems from my childhood. I honestly dont know how to play witha child. I am good with other stuff, we can talk, etc and watch tv, go out do stuff but i cant do much in the home...besides be a mom. Cook clean etc. But its nice to know im not alone.

Thanks guys

Thanks guys. I am certainly going to put your advice to practice esp xmasbooksgalore. I have been doing alotttt of thinking. And if im honest i think alot of it stems from my childhood. I honestly dont know how to play witha child. I am good with other stuff, we can talk, etc and watch tv, go out do stuff but i cant do much in the home...besides be a mom. Cook clean etc. But its nice to know im not alone.

Thanks guys

sending you a hug. first children are often like this - my ds1 is, but my others aren't, and I think it is due to having me to himself for 2 years - so even another child might not change this.

Bigs hugs to you mumlikeu.

Playing with dcs is VERY hard work - and you are brave enough to admit you don't know how to do it. I wonder if that is because no-one spent much time playing with YOU as a child ? Have you tried old fashioned board games? Sounds bizarre I know (and can be a trifle dull!) but snakes and ladders, ludo, frustration, tops trumps, snap, uno, whot etc are all great games to play with your ds. Just announce a games afternoon and play them all - and use the timing techniques xmas suggested - like we will be playing games from 2-4pm; I'll be cooking tea and doing the litchen from 4-6pm and then we'll be settling down for a good film 6-8pm? Perhaps a timetable will help if he knows what's coming (and so do you!) and there will be less "in a minute"s from you!

Don't be hard on yourself. Xmas has some great ideas which hopefully will help.

Sounds to me like you are too good a mum! I really think kids need to learn how to amuse themselves, but then as Countingtheflocksbynight said you have to teach them how to do this. Being happy with your own company is an important life skill. One of my daughters was incredibly clingy, but I used to sit for 10 mins and get her playing/ making/ drawing, then be able to get on for 1/2 an hour while she was absorbed. She just couldn't kind of get started on her own. Good luck! Its utterly exhausting I know x