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Original poster

DD and her Dad at Christmas- a tricky decision

42 replies

MarkTheHeraldAngelsStretch · 16/12/2008 20:13

Apologies as I did post about this the other day but I'm still really unsure about what to do.

Bit of background:

Ex-DP and I separated when dd was 2- she is now 6. He went back to live in Northern Ireland after we separated and now lives there with his mum and dad.

DD has been going over to stay with him on occasions since. She is due to go over this Christmas as we take it in turns. The flights have been booked and they are all really looking forward to having her.

However, DD is saying she doesn't want to go. She is getting quite stressed about it. She was crying and kicking her bedroom door- behaviour which is totally out of character for her.

He has been shit at maintaining contact since the last visit and has called her only a handful of times. He rang last night and she refused to speak to him.

I don't know what to do for the best.

I feel like I am asking her to make quite a grown up decision.

She asked me today if I could 'wash her brain so she didn't have to think about it anymore'

OP posts:

Original poster

MarkTheHeraldAngelsStretch · 16/12/2008 21:48

I hadn't thought about it from that angle PM.

They never, ever ring. She spends time with them when she is there and I know they adore her but when she's not there she doesn't have any contact with them other than cards/presents sent for birthday.

It's heartbreaking really because they were top of her Christmas card list

I have a feeling it would mean even more work on our part and that's the bit I'm finding hard. In my heart of hearts I want to tell him to get lost and then she wouldn't have the heartache of a useless Dad but I know I can't.

OP posts:

Original poster

MarkTheHeraldAngelsStretch · 16/12/2008 21:49

Anyfucker- you're right, I suppose I worry that if I don't make the effort I know he won't and then I will have a dd who doesn't have any kind of relationship with her Dad.

OP posts:

spicemonster · 16/12/2008 21:51

I suspected that as soon as I typed it. Would his parents fund his trip? Can you talk to them about the way she's feeling? I really feel for you - must be so hard

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PinkPoinsettias · 16/12/2008 21:52

that's a really good idea... could you go direct to his family and develop that relationship instead?

that way she still has contact with the family who she loves and who adore her but you're not throwing money at a relationship he's unwilling to work towards.

he sounds like alot of idiots men i know..... they want all the good bits without any of the hard bits..... tough, that's not parenting.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2008 21:54

if that does happen mark, it won't be your fault

Original poster

MarkTheHeraldAngelsStretch · 16/12/2008 21:55

Stupid twatty twatty man.

I think we will get past this particular event and then work on the other relationships.

If she still wants to.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2008 21:58

good luck x

Original poster

MarkTheHeraldAngelsStretch · 16/12/2008 22:01

Thank you.

(And I love your name)

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 17/12/2008 07:34

I think that you need to cancel the arrangements for this Christmas and explain that now she is growing up her wishes have to be taken into account and she can't just be sent like a parcel because it happens to be his turn. If he wants to do Christmas, he and his family have to make her a big part of their lives by maintaining the contact when she is not with them so that she is happy and secure spending time with them.

Original poster

MarkTheHeraldAngelsStretch · 17/12/2008 11:03

I think you're right PM.

I went to DD's christmas play today and was chatting to her friend's mum. Friend's mum said that her DD had come home and said 'MiniMark is upset because she's got to go to her Dad's for Christmas but she doesn't want to go but she has to because it's his turn'

So although I feel very sad about that I feel like she must mean what she says as she's been talking to her friends about it.

I am going to ring her Dad today and tell him she won't be coming.

OP posts:

SleighGirl · 17/12/2008 13:08

Hope it goes okay.

Original poster

MarkTheHeraldAngelsStretch · 17/12/2008 18:44

She's staying with me.

Yay!

Thanks for all the advice everyone.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2008 18:57

at your service ma'am

piscesmoon · 17/12/2008 19:06

Good-did they take it well?

Original poster

MarkTheHeraldAngelsStretch · 17/12/2008 20:14

There was complaining about the A/L various people had taken from work (but I knew there would be some fall out) but I stood my ground and said I wasn't prepared to force her to do something she didn't want to do.

I have explained to her that she shouldn't feel guilty and that she can see Daddy in the New Year, but I think he should come here and see her for once as it's less disruptive for her and will prove his commitment.

After she told me tonight she was definitely staying she then had a mad hour of dancing, singing and giggling so I think it had really been weighing on her mind.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2008 20:36

aww, what a ikkle sweetheart

dylsmum1998 · 18/12/2008 19:03

thats good bless her heart.
glad you managed to get it sorted.

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