Oldie parents

[Nancy]

What do you all think of being an oldie parent? Phil Collins has just become a Dad at 50, so when his kids are teenagers he'll be in his 60s. I spose at least he can afford to have all his flabby bits tucked away.

I just posted a message and it got lost as my machine crashed. Oh well. Apologies if it appears again and I repeat myself.

My husband is and "oldie" parent age 55 and I am 35. He was 53 when our son was born and is by no means in need of a Zimmer frame yet! Apart from slightly less energy than me I hardly notice the age difference.

The only main disadvantage I see to him being older is that he won't be around for my son when he is in his 20s. However I feel that the first part of a person's life is more important. Many children grow up and move away from their parents and may not see them much anyway. So this is not such a big concern. Also I will be there for him and perhaps siblings too. My husband doesn't kick a football round the park but I do and so we balance his upbringing very well.

We are rather ageist in our society and tend to assume that being older is 'bad'. Apart from him not being around (and lets face it many dads aren't anyway due to families splitting up) this is the only down side. There are many positive aspects to getting older. My husband is relaxed and better informed than he was first time (he has 3 grown up kids also). This I feel will be invaluable to our son as he grows. So many young parents are still finding out about themselves. Also younger folk want to go out more and may have less money and be busy working and paying the mortgage. My husband will be retired for a large part of our son's upbringing so will actually have plenty of time for him. Again compare this to a younger dad perhaps working overtime.

Age isn't so important nowadays as people live longer and have better health. What is more important is how strong your relationship is with your spouse and with your children.

I have an uncle who is 80 who has a much younger wife and who is still doing DIY on his house. He has children ranging from age 55 to 30.

Nature intended men to continue producing sperm well into their 80s (didn't Charlie Chaplain father a child when he was around 80) so it is actually quite natural for fathers to be older parents.

My husband doesn't have any flabby bits by the way!

My dad remarried a woman about 20 years his junior and now has 2 young kids (he's about 60 and they are 6 and 8). I must say he's a far more involved with them than he ever was with me! He was by no means a bad father but apparantly never changed a nappy or had much to do with me or my brother when we were babies - That was a different era (in the 60s) but I also think he's mellower now and probably less selfish. Now he's retired he spends loads of time playing with them, picking them up from school and taking them out. I do think having one older parent is probably easier than having 2. For a start it often indicates the older parent is fairly broad minded... to marry someone so much younger suggests that they also have a fairly young outlook. I also think if you've one younger parent then they're both more likely to be a bit more in touch with modern day culture and find it easier to tolerate 'the youth of today'. Young people's behaviour and attitudes obviously change through the decades and it must be hard to understand and tolerate a child who is 2 generations younger - parents who are one generation older find it hard enough.

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My husband is twenty years older than me. I do find myself worring that i am going to be left to cope alone with all the ups and downs of family life. I also wonder how the children will feel when they realise their father is older than the majority of fathers, does anyone else share my concerns? My husband is 51, the children are 4 and 2.

My husband is 11 years older than me. At 55 he has children aged 12, 8 and 7. For the little ones, 55 is just the same as 45 or 35 - just a bigger number than them and more candles on the cake. For the 12 year old, I think age is the last of the problems about her father - she is more concerned about his weird taste in music (classical), his odd sense of humour, his likelihood of teasing her or her friends - in other words, he's embarrassing because he's a parent, not because he's an old parent! We do tease him a lot about being old - it's not something we pretend isn't there. I have to say he is a wonderful father - not always patient, not always sypatheitc, but at the end of the day they all know they are loved to bits

My husband is 16 years older than me. Do you know what really pisses me off? (Sorry am I allowed to say that on here.) Anyway...it's that people very rarely think he looks any older than me. I mean I know I'm usually knackered - but gutted or what!!

It would be interesting to know what people mean by older parents. Over 50? Over 40? I am 38, my husband is 43 and we have 2 children nearly 4 and nearly 2. I didn't bother about having my first baby at 34,in fact I thought it was completely normal as all my friends of the same age were having babies around the same time. When I was in hospital the midwife came round and said, 'You must have waited such a long time for this baby, you're nearly as old as I am' I was a bit too tired to respond - lucky for her - but offended all the same. My husband has got a bit of a hang up about being in his sixties when our children are in their twenties which isn't helped by the fact that my dad is constantly going on about it. The fact is, you should have children when the time is right for you and not because you feel you ought to by a certain age. I certainly wasn't emotionally ready to have kids in my twenties - I was busy with my career and also in the middle of a disastrous marriage - thank god I didn't have children with him, in fact, I never wanted to as I knew he wasn't the right person. When I got married again it just seemed perfectly natural to have children, I didn't question it once - until the insensitive midwife stuck her oar in!

I guess my family straddles the whole spectrum as our first baby was born when DH was 30ish and I was 21, while our last (4th) baby was born when he was 51 and I was 42. We have a laugh about DH being 'old' but its all in the mind, really. When I look back at my wedding photos, my mum looks soooo old but in fact was younger than I am now (46)!! My dad was 20 yrs older than my mum but it wasn't anything that phased me. He was around until two yrs ago, when he died at the grand age of nearly 92. The one problem that can cause difficulties is if you have young children and also have ailing parents to care for, which is more likely, the older you/your parents are.

Tireless - same age difference between me and my husband - 20 years. Not concerned yet. Have had a few mistakes when some people have thought that he was my father! However that was actually before we had our son. I am just happy that we are in a stable relationship and that to me is more important than anything.

Shari - also same here. I was married before and my ex was only 3 years older but was much older in some ways - he aspired to be his grandfather!

What do people here think of older mothers getting fertility treatment?

My husband has only been mistaken for my father once that I know of! He came with me to the doctors some years ago and the receptionist on the phone to the doctor said "Mr .... has brought his daughter in to see you" We laughed. Actually while on holiday not long after a member of staff at the hotel thought we were brother and sister! Weird.... But also on another holiday some women in her 50s/60s thought I was in my 30s, I was 22 at the time. She was really embarrassed and quickly said "but your husband is older isn't he?"

Dear All

I am currently working on a Kilroy programme about older mums and would love to hear from any of you if this applies to you or if you have strong views on it. We are recording the programme this Wednesday 8th May so I would love to tell you more about it asap if you could call me on 0208 228 7454. I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards
Emma Gascoigne