Worried I don't love my second baby, feel horrible and sad

[percysnose]

My new baby is now nearly 4 weeks old and I don't love her the way I did dd1. I'm afraid it's because dd1 looks exactly like me and dd2 looks nothing like me. Or because I feel guilty because dd1 is so unhappy about having a new baby in the house and isn't being naughty but is being sad, and breastfeeding takes an hour at a time and is all day long and dd1 tries to hug me when I do it and I'm finding it hard. And I resent dd2 for it, for making it hard and making everyone sad. I know how horrible and stupid that sounds.

I don't think I have PND, although I was quite sad all the time in my pregnancy and worried this would happen - and now it has! I just don't look at her and feel the same love. Is it possible it can still come? I have spoken to my mum about people who don't love their babies and she thinks all nice people do love their babies.

I feel a physical love for her, I would like to hold her all the time and kiss her all the time, but feel something is missing emotionally and am terrified that if it lasts she will sense it and be sad and know as a child, or that somehow I will be less nice to her.

Give it a bit of time - I've never believed that parental love is always "at first sight"; it certainly took me a while to really bond with my DS1. The love will come eventually, don't worry. And your DD1 will relax and get used to the baby in time - make sure she's not picking up on your negative vibes though.

But do watch out for PND signs as well - good that you're at least thinking about that.

I think it is perfectly normal to not instantly fall in love with a baby (and it does not mean you are not a "good person"). You might not be having the same hormonal rush that you had with your first child, but some of us don't ever get that. Feeling this way does not mean that you don't love or care for your child, but you might just be a bit more tired this time aroudn with 2 to look after. Don't worry, it will come good.

Hi there

Sounds like you are feeling pretty tired, having a tough time because DD1 isnt being overly thrilled about new baby and she looks different to DD1. I fell in love with my two over a period of time, each week a bit deeper until I was 'full up' so to speak. It may also be a self fulfilling prophecy if you were worrying about it when you were pregnant? and DD1 is picking up on it too.

Why not point out all the nice things about her to DD1 and do the whole, you are a big sister - arent you big, clever etc thing. Give her big sister jobs to help adn feel proud / ownership etc? Before DD was born I told DS that his job as a big brother would be to help rub DD back after her booby milk to help her burp, to pass me nappies and to sing her lullabyes - he loved it and is soooo protective of her because he has a role too in her care. So when he loved her more, so did I -its infectious etc...

I also think you are worrying about worrying if you know what I mean? You are being loving and kidn to her. Why not read DD1 a story when boobfeeding DD2? or make up a story if holding a book is too tricky? and also see if you can have a little bit of bonding time with DD2 when DD1 isnt around, does she go to nursery or can grandparents have her / DH take her out for a special walk etc...

It will be ok, the early days are tough and yes, those hormones are raging x

Oh, such calm answers, thank you - and a lot of truth in them all. Boobalina - I do think sometimes that some of it is worrying about worrying, because I have in the past gazed into dd1's eyes and said to dh 'do I really love her or was it some hormonal trick?' and stupid things like that. I must be a total nightmare to be around, in fact! But I do feel that something is different, that I used to just stare and stare at dd1 and love her so much, and... well, when I stare at dd2, it's not as if there's nothing there, it's just so much more detached and analytical as well, and that's what makes me sad. I'm just full of worry that I'm not madly in love. But really I don't even remember exactly what it was like with dd1.

Great advice about dd1's r/ship with dd2. I asked her to come and help today and she said 'no' but it's all still quite new, and she isn't being aggressive - she often covers her eyes with her hands when she walks in and I'm breastfeeding and today her idiot dad asked dd2 if she was sucking dd1's dummy - dd1 is mostly not allowed a dummy and loves it, and the idea that her actual one was being given to dd2 (it isn't) nearly sent her over the edge. I almost wish she was angrier - well obviously I really do not, but it would be clearer what I had to do if she was aggressive. The fact that she is just quiet and sad makes me blame myself, and, horribly, feel the need to constantly reassure her and pointedly ignore the new baby. that's probably the wrong way to do things.

Right, this is obviously far too much thinking! I am going to be calmer and give everything time. Thank you everyone.

Just as you are a great mother to dd1, you are and will be a great mother to dd2. Second time around, it's difficult to just find the time to concentrate solely on the second child without feeling you're neglecting something else - dc1, or housework etc.

When i was feeding dc2, I used to try to get dc1 to do a jigsaw puzzle. I could talk to him and help him, but didn't need to get involved physically. (Although dh didn't help by then getting him lots of transformers toys that needed my 100% attention )
I don't think dd2 can sense anything emotionally. It sounds as if you're being such a thoughtful mother to dd1 that you're worried about expressing feelings for dd2.

Is it at all possible to spend time solely with dd2? for me, it wasn't until I was doing something with my baby on my own, face to face, that it suddenly struck me that she was real (it hadn't really felt like that before).
As written already, talking about dd2 positively can help you think more positively and as she gets older, there'll be more to be positive about, so yes I do think the love you have will grow and grow.

I know what you mean about having trouble with your feelings for your baby. I went through that for the first few weeks with DS.

I had a section and then a nightmare feeding and I just never had the "gush" of emotion that I was expecting. I spent so much time being a messed up wreck that I didn't feel much for my LO for quite a while.

It developed over time for me and particularly at about 8 weeks when DS started smiling specifically at me, when I'd come to pick him up from his cot, and when he started chatting away to me.

You'll get there, just try to relax and be a little patient

I think what you feel for the second child is completely different from the first.
I can only say that I love all three of my children equally, but each of them differently - does that make any sense?

I had the huge thing with my first, ds1, and because i didn't get the same all over again with ds2 I started to think like you. PND didn't help me there, though i have to say.
Then with DD, presumably because she was a girl after two boys, we had the same sort of impact as ds1. Still cannot explain any of it.
DH was the same - he cried at the arrival of ds1 and dd - but didn't feel in any way overwhelmed at the arrival of ds2.
Try not to worry, you are a tired new mum and things will fall into place soon enough - hang in there and get some support with your two gorgeous (and different) daughters.

Oh I could have written both your posts percysnose.

Big hug.

It's horrible isn't it? Even now I remember how horrible it was. I'm so sorry your mum didn't get it. but we do.

Please take heart. None of this predicts your future as a mum. It just says something about how special your time with your firstborn was.

I remember them sending me to the psychiatrist to see if it was PND. She diagnosed me as being "anxious and adapting to the birth of her second child". What a nice sensible woman she was.

You will find your own way forward but I'll tell you what worked for me.

• I talked to the baby about DS1 all the time in DS1's hearing. "Yes, baby, I know you want to play with DS1. When you are bigger you can play. Yes, I know you want to run and jump like DS1. Did you see that big jump he just did!! Wow that was high wasn't it baby?". I hated every single moment of this unnatural pantomime but it worked wonders for DS1's feelings about the baby.

_ I scrupulously avoided telling DS1 anything about how he "must" or "ought" to feel about DS2.

• bathtime was the only time I had with DS2 that felt natural. I couldn't bath both kids at the same time so we were alone together. No pantomime. Gradually he started to seem like my bathtime buddy.....

• I went through the motions of things like breastfeeding so that I could minimise the number of things to feel guilty about later.

• funnily enough, it was the day I accepted and said aloud that I would never love DS2 as much as DS1 and forgave myself for it that I started to love him more. I was with an adoptive mother with a similar problem - she'd been persuaded to adopt her son's birth sibling and was saying "I know we'll love them just as much as the older ones one day" in an unconvincing manner. And suddenly it was like the fog cleared and I said "no, we never will, because you can only fall in love for the first time once, but that doesn't mean we aren't the best mothers we could be to our second children".

-guess what, I love them equally now . But differently. And no, my relationship with my first child never regained that sweet intensity ever again.

Please don't worry: life with a newborn is always a bit tricky due to the sleep deprivation and the shock your body has gone through, which means that the littlest things seem to take on such worrying proportions.
I worried a bit about not loving my DS when he was born, and what I found helped was to act like I loved him, give him a kiss every time I picked him up and tell him I loved him.

I think things are so different with a second child, and I can completely empathise. I was lucky and did fall in love with DD2 on sight, BUT it's not the unconditional joy you feel with the first. I was very aware of how upset DD1 was, which took the shine off it. You can't just bask with your new baby and lavish attention on him or her - I spent most of the first few months trying to minimise the presence of DD2 for DD1's sake!
I now adore them both equally but feel sad I never really got to dote on DD2 in the same way as DD1. I think I'll alway feel DD2 got a second best start to life.
Lingle gives some great advice in her post.

Although I still think I am not PND (!) these posts have made me very weepy and happy. lingle, that's so beautiful. Arcticlemming, that is totally how I feel, that it's all damage limitation for the one who seems more sensitive, and that I'm not giving dd2 anything at all. Thank you all SO MUCH, everything every one of you says chimes with so much that I recognise and really feel - I could just quote you all all day and go 'that is so exactly it!' it is amazing to see it written in a way that's understanding and reassuring.

I was a bit like this re DD2.
DD1 was my pfb and the way I felt for her was different from the way I felt for DD2.
In a way I think the first born is more life changing and you feel so different all together that when DC2 arrives its almost a bit of a let down.I know that sounds horrid,and by no means do I consider DD2 to be a let down, but the feelings around the birth etc are different.
Plus of course you are worried re DD1's reaction.I was really stressed re this and actually over compensated for DD1s perceived jealousy of DD2 by doing LOADS of stuff with her and relatively little with the baby, who just was fed, cuddled a bit and then put in her chair to watch the rest of us.
But that said, DD2 is a very easy baby, prob because of the above, and DD1 loves her to death.And so do I.
I was just doing what I had to do to cope with a 17 month old and a newborn.But the way I behaved with DD2 was very different to how I behaved with DD1 IYSWIM..

Also factor in that you are most likely knackered.
I am sure it will come.Hang in there..

You have already had some wonderful replies here. But I wanted to add my own. I too was very struck by the lack at DS2's birth of the kind of planet-shifting passion that I had felt for DS1.

I clearly remember looking at my husband and saying 'Do you love him?' and my husband just looked exhausted and anxious and didn't say 'yes' -- which echoed my own feeling at the time.

Of course we both loved and love DS2 but it was so different the second time around -- partly more matter-of-fact, because not the unique experience of the first birth, partly more compromised because of the need to carry on being passionate about DS1.

But I love DS2 so much now -- and that love retrospectively invests his first seconds with passion.

There is no need for you to force any feeling for your second child. Just let your feelings roam as they will. All will be fine.

Hi Percy,

When I had my DS2, I did get PND. I was feeling very weepy and sad that my DS1 wasn't taking it well and wasn't getting the attention that I would have liked to give him. A friend of mine said 'it just like grieving. You grieve for the time you have lost with your first'. And that totally hit the nail on the head for me and set me off crying again. It is a time of grieving, and change and adapting...and getting to know one another. Give yourself (and DS1) plenty of time and sympathy.

Truely, there is nothing more wonderful than having two little scamps playing together, rolling around on the floor, ganging up against you and overhearing them say that they love each other. You have given DS1 a wonderful gift of a brother. Although it is hard for him now, they will have so much fun together (when he gets used to him), and will make him far more able to face a world where he is not the centre of attention.

I don't think you can expect to love them both the same - because they are different people. I think the first time you have baby you also fall in love with your new role of being a mother and the beauty of having a baby. You will learn new things about each other than you love and will become smitten.

Good luck to you.

Different perspective from me. I did not love my first child at first and it took months and months. It was only when he was ill at nearly a year old that it hit me that I would willingly die before I let anything happen to him. From that moment I have loved him with a fierce intensity.

I loved my second child from before she was born, but never with the same ferocity and passion. However, I am quite sure that I do not love her less. The love I have for her is sweeter and more tender than the way I love my son.

What I am trying to say is that love can take a while and even when it does come it can be so different from the way you feel for your other child that it can be hard to recognise.

I found it easier to bond with the 2nd, due to the fact, I think, that she was a much, much easier birth than DS. I agree with some of the others though, that I felt no instant maternal rush of love with either of my 2, it was a more gradual falling in love. Also I felt incredibly guilty for bringing a new baby into DS's life and taking my love and attention away from him.
It is hard work with 2 to begin with and can take some time to get your head round but I'm 100% sure the love will come for you.

I am currently struggling with my love for ds2, so completely understand.
DS2, 6 wks old, is awake all night and I am really starting to resent him.
Ds1 was easy-peasy.
Plus ds2 has strawberry blonde / ginger hair. But it is a REALLY unattractive shade and I HATE it with a passion. Not good.
Just hoping that these feelings get better.

It will come, in the mean time you can fake it by making lots of eye contact and smiling at DC2. I had a dreadful time with DC3, thought I was failing miserably, but was really reassured by people telling me in retrospect that I was really smiley with him, as apparantly its that connection that sparks brain neurons and makes you bond with him and vice versa. Certainly after a rocky start he's VERY emotionally literate and I have a great relationship with him. I wish I'd known about the eye contact thing at the time as I found it very reassuring once I realised I'd done the right thing, 'though I felt dead inside. BTW you're not too late-those pathways are just sparking up now, so get smiling!

Oblomov: it seems clear even to me that you are genuinely so totally knackered you can't think of anything else. dd2 is a good sleeper and not a crier so far, which in many ways makes my feelings worse. She is much easier than my first. And Robert Redford has strawberry blond hair. When you see it in the sun I think you'll change your mind, it's a beautiful hair colour.

TeeBee: that's an amazing thing to say, the thing about grieving for the time with the first, that is definitely a part of it. And all the replies that talk about making the effort to smile, talk about how beautiful she is etc are so wise, and I'm so pleased and moved to hear how much you love all your children (and weepy again).

My DD was the spitting image of my husband when she was born, I don't think it helped early bonding and I never had that rush of love. Not sure if it was the dreadful labour followed by emergency c-section or not.

DD now turned 2, looks more and more like me and we are very very close, I can't bear to leave her.

You sound very tired and I hope it reassures you that many of us have never had that rush of love. I'm pregnant with no.2 and having a boy, have to honest I'm terrified of having a boy as I sd love my lovely little girl.

Seriously, 'tis very very early days. You are still adjusting, the situation is totally different for you this time round. It must be a huge transition nto go from 1 to 2 children and it takes time to get to know them. I honestly didn't love my ds for a few weeks and he was my first. I cared for him, comforted him, held him, fed him but I felt like he could have been anyones baby. There was no rush of emotion and love for him at all. I just remember one day just not having the energy to pretend to love this little baby anymore and I felt so guilty. Then one day, I held him and it was there. It kind of snuck up on me once I'd got to know him. He's 16 months now and everyday I fall more in love with him. It will come. xxx

You are all really kind. Thank you so much.

Is anyone else wishing that they'd had mumsnet when they went through this?

I would have traded a year's salary for these responses. It was so horribly lonely.

And that comment: "I'd done the right thing, 'though I felt dead inside" sums it all up.

Ah well. it's brought back the emotions.... but worse things happen at sea and all that......

Hope you get through this. It took me a while to "warm up" to DD2 who is the spit of my DH (who I don't like much these days tbh). She was and is very clingy and wasn't "pretty" like DD1 as an infant. I now adore her and she rewards me with lots of (snotty) kisses and hugs. I do feel differently about my two kids. Teh first looks just like me but I don't prefer one over the other - I love them both beyond what I ever thought possible. Give it time and it will come right