Can somebody explain to me the difference between when an action is "dicipline" and when it is "bullying"

[ElfOnTheTopShelf]

Sometimes I read posts on mumsnet and I am never sure if I am missing anything in the OP or whether people are over reacting.
When there is a a thread about dicipline, it can be followed by posts about how the parent is bullying / abusing the child.
At what point do you believe that line crossed between dicipline and abuse?

That's a hard question! Got an example?

For example - telling a child if they continue to be naughty that you will smack them on the bum.
You can often see posts in reply to this that it is psychological abuse, even if the threat of a smack is never carried out.
Is that abuse or dicipline?

If you think an action is abusive, then surely the threat of that action is also abusive. So IF you think smacking is abuse, then the threat is also abuse, IMO. I don't see, logically, how it could be otherwise.

I think using genuine fear to instill discipline is pretty bad, but the threat only means something if it is carried out - I mean if you don't smack, its pointless saying that to your child who doesn't know what a smack is.

However, I had a little girl who came to play sometimes who kept threatening to lock my daughter in the room in the dark to make her be good, which I did not think would be something she would have made up without it happening to her. It turned out it had, by accident I think, and so for her, the threat of that happening again was used in disciplining her which is probably what you would describe as abusive, and I also think is just ridiculous.

To me a threat of (and of course actual) physical violence is abuse not discipline, making your child scared of you is abuse not discipline. Of course it isn't as black and white as that. I think you'd be hard pushed to find any parent who hasn't at some point shouted at their child, by and large I don't think this leaves any lasting damage. Overstepping the mark to abuse may be when this behaviour is regular or usual.

I think the line between them is also one of behaviour, if you tower over your child, pointing a finger and shouting, that to me is abusive behaviour. If on the other hand you neal down on the floor, make eye contact with your child and tell them firmly that xyz is unacceptable and tell them the consequences (confiscation, exclusion from a wanted activity, time out zone, whatever your chosen non-violent method is) if they continue and carry those consequences through, that to me is discipline.

I have seen threads where posters have expressed a feeling that the popular timeout/naughty step technique may also be a form of abuse and could leave lasting emotional damage.

Agree with pheebe about the approach to the child too, is hard to understand how terrifying you might be to a person at waist height. Not that I always remembered that before I started shouting!