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Clueless as to how to handle ds at the moment....

24 replies

PinkPussyCat · 08/12/2008 13:22

I am looking for advice about ds, he is 16 months. For about the last 4 weeks he has been getting increasingly frustrated with everything (I realise this is normal but please humour me!) for example he will only play with a toy for a couple of minutes before deciding he's fed up - he will then furiously throw it as far as he can and will do this repeatedly unless I take it away. When he started this at first I would say a firm "No" but that seemed to wind him up even more. So now I immediately take the missile toy away (saying nothing) and put it out of reach, then try and distract him with something else, but this doesn't work. I have never shouted at him. Then if I pick him up he scratches/hits me in the face. So I put him back down on the floor and the whole cycle starts again. If I walk away he runs after me and bites my leg. What is the best way to deal with this? He seems so young to be starting with the "terrible twos". He was such a happy baby. It is making me cry to type this about him

He works himself into terrible rages frequently all day, I feel like I need to be a mind reader, I am constantly trying to figure out what's upset him. I have dealt with everything in a calm, quiet manner so far but it isn't working. Thanks for reading this.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
PinkPussyCat · 08/12/2008 13:45

weary bump

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singyswife · 08/12/2008 13:46

Sorry no real advice but am bumping for you, someone will be along shortly.

rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 08/12/2008 13:48

this is a tricky age

DS was very similar to your DS judging by your post

not verbal enough to tell me what he wanted, and not mobile enough to get the things he wanted

it did settle down when he could walk and talk more

best thing to do is try not to take it personally and ignore the bad stuff and over praise and gush over the lovely stuff he does

also, being out and about is always easier i think even if it is just a trip to the supermarket or a cafe

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PinkPussyCat · 08/12/2008 13:55

Thanks for replies...

He isn't verbal but very good at communicating/pointing etc. You're right, it is better to get out - we are out every single day (I long for a day when I can stay in and sit on the sofa!)

So would you say it's still best to ignore as much as possible at this age? (we do lots of gushing where appropriate)

I do wish he could tell me what's up

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rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 08/12/2008 13:56

PPC - if he is anything like my DS he will start talking and never stop!

It does pass - it can feel endless and tiring at the time though

PinkPussyCat · 08/12/2008 13:56

obviously when I say "ignore" I mean the tantrums not the child!

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PinkPussyCat · 08/12/2008 13:57

sorry x-posts!

Yes it feels like forever... can't wait for it to pass!

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PinkPussyCat · 08/12/2008 18:51

Any more views?

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bigspender30 · 08/12/2008 18:56

Its hard I know but try and be consistent in your approach. They like to test the boundaries constantly at that age and its reassuring to them to have boundaries. You sound like a wonderful mum and very patient!

PinkPussyCat · 08/12/2008 21:35

Thanks for the kind words bigspender I certainly don't feel like one though.

I think it's because he's still so little... you can't very well discipline a 16 month old can you? When I see other Mums they all seem so sure of themselves... I truly am a clueless first-timer. God I can't wait until this bit is over. Only to be faced with the next phase, I know! I find myself saying that more + more, and feel dreadfully guilty for wishing his little life away. Finding it v. hard to "enjoy" him at the moment

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bigspender30 · 08/12/2008 22:35

Don't worry-it's perfectly natural. They don't tell you the anxiety that goes along with being a parent do they!
Just remember you love him lots and although other mums may seem very sure of themselves and confident, I bet they have all felt moments of guilt and uncertainty. Everyone does. You are doing a great job, you are staying calm and patient with him which is amazing.

ilovemydog · 08/12/2008 22:46

Could he be bored with his toys? I take it he's walking? Does he get outside much?

Absolutely no criticism of you, and there probably isn't just one cause, but know that at around 18 months, DD would get a bit stir crazy and had to have a run around outside (or at the soft play center...)

jellybelly25 · 08/12/2008 22:49

Aw I think it is really hard when this happens... you sound like you are doing really well to not lose your rag... I also agree that when he can talk better it will help a bit.

My dd2 (18mo) doesn't do it that often but when she does it is impossible to get through to her. What I try to do is totally fudged from various episodes of supernanny I look her in the eye and say sternly 'you do not throw the (whatever object) it will break/hurt someone' etc then show her how to use it properly, and if she does it again I say the same thing and put it away. Cue big fit and tantrum... Which I ignore as much as possible, even when she's wrapped around my leg. It doesn't have any obvious effect but explaining it makes me feel better and I harbour some hope that at some point she will understand me...

When she stops screaming and maybe babbles a bit or speaks nicely to me or comes to me without being in a strop I respond to her and say well done etc and have a little play or a song or something.

It must be really hard when he hits you and bites you etc... I can only think that it is a really hard phase for him, not being able to talk yet - and he is taking his anger out on you... sympathies

snowcrystal · 09/12/2008 00:46

ppc~its too early to go for discipline for quite a while yet.Just include in his day the things he needs like snacks,fresh air,fun,rest,play and don't take his behaviour personally.I don't think you have to take the toy away,just do something else.Its a busy age and I seemed to spend all my time in the garden or beach with them at this age but lucky live in the country.Ithink going out all the time can make problems sometimes tho cos then you have all your chores to do and they dont enjoy that time at home .Its about routine and balance really,and lots of snacks!

meandjoe · 09/12/2008 08:36

I really think this is normal. My ds was a horrid baby who screamed and cried from day one and is only now becomming a happy little chap but even he does the things you describe! He hasn't yet (thank God) discovered biting, but he head butts and smacks when he's fustrated or tired. I remove him and place him on a cushion if he is headbutting as there is no getting through to him. He just gets so frustrated and can't control the headbutting impulse, at least on a cushion he can't hurt anything.

He regularly throws toys and screeches at them when he gets fed up or can't make it do what he thinks it SHOULD do! I tend to take things off him if it can cause harm when thrown! Then distract him or take him into another room and point out something of interest to him. If he's still screaming and carrying on then I ignore him.

He has also taken to screaming an ear piercing squeal whilst crying if he doesn't get his own way, it lasts for what seems like ages and he throws himself around screeching (so loud it hurts my ears!). He has always cried if he didn't get his own way or if I took something off him but this past fortnight he seems to have upped his game! Grrrrrr.

I do keep calm though (even though inside my blood is boiling!). I just don't acknowledge him while he doing it at all, wait til he's calmed down and then give him a big cuddle and distract him all over again.

The biting/ scratching I would just move him away and say a firm 'no'. He will cry and scream but ignore ignore ignore. Any attention he gets for it, good or bad will only enforce that it's a good way to get mummy's attention so he will do it all the more.

It's so hard, especially if your ds has been a happy easy going baby, I am used to my ds being stroppy so the tantrums are a breeze compared to the 10 hours of crying and grizzling we had til 9 months but it is non the less infuriating!

How is he when you are out and about? If he seems OK in the pushchair and at toddler groups, I'd get out as much as possible. I always feel better when out the house. I think ds does too, sometimes the same 4 walls can create a bit of a pressure cooker for babies who get bored and frustrated easily.

It will pass and all will be ok. Keep calm, you're doing great!

Oh also, don't forget that throwing at this age is a normal developmental stage. They are testing out gravity and learning how they can move things etc. I always make sure I give my ds some 'safe throwing time' everyday such as hollow balls from a ball pool to throw in a card board box or screwed up paper to throw in the bin. i know it sounds daft but actually he seems to get less frustrated if I let him throw certain things and make it 'OK' for him to do it when it's appropriate.

jellybelly25 · 09/12/2008 09:38

Yeah agree with all the stuff about being out and about too we usually go to some sort of playgroup 4 out of 5 days and have one day at home. I am a bit crap at routine so these thigns help to structure our day a bit.

I also think that if he's your only one doing things in the afternoon is vital (most baby groups are in the morning round here) fresh air is the best best thing. I have one at school which also breaks up the day a lot but when she's elsewhere afterwards the day is soooo LONG, it's no wonder they/we get bored! So we go out with the doll/duck/random object in the buggy and walk around, sometimes quite a way, it knackers her out

PinkPussyCat · 09/12/2008 14:37

Sorry only just managed to get back to the PC - Thanks so much for all your replies, you are all lovely for taking the time to post

ilovemydog - I have been doing the whole 'toy rotation' thing! But it doesn't seem to matter what the toy is, it's as if he simply doesn't know what to do/how to play... We do go out - I am knackered from traipsing miles with him. If we so much as pause to say hi to someone he wriggles and shouts until we are on the move again! He is walking now but not too great yet with the old balance...

He loves toddler group, however we are in a small/rural village and it's only on once a week. He actually seems to enjoy it so much I am considering putting him into nursery a couple of mornings a week, a lot of the same children also go there. Plus I think he is very bored of me!

meandjoe - Have just been looking at your pics of ds on your profile, he is very cute indeed!
You sound very wise btw. I feel as if I have been drained of all common sense at the moment. Love the idea of 'safe' throwing time, that might help us.

I have just ordered 'Toddler Taming' from Amazon

Thanks again to you all, hopefully today will be better

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bigspender30 · 09/12/2008 16:29

hey pinkpussycat-i see you stay in Scotland too! Where are you? How is your wee man today?

PinkPussyCat · 09/12/2008 20:28

Hey Bigspender (sorry couldn't resist)
I am in Perthshire kind of between Perth + Dundee...Whereabouts are you?

He seemed a lot better today thank god. Mind you the bloody central heating broke down this morning so we had to wait in for the gas man, but miraculously ds wasn't too bad at all! We were out in the garden (him zooming around keeping warm and me hovering around getting frostbite). He then slept for almost three hours normally his afternoon nap is about 1.5 hours, so that was great!

Heating now fixed, so we are all nice + cosy.

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bigspender30 · 09/12/2008 20:34

Am in Lanarkshire but originally from Angus area so I know where you are. Used to live in Dundee at one point too. Thats good you got the heating fixed as its far too cold to be without it! My little angel had me up half the night howling ( he is 2.5). Now idea what was up but we are all very tired and crabbit today. the joys eh?

PinkPussyCat · 09/12/2008 20:53

Ah it's a small world eh? I'm originally from Stirling but we've lived here about 7.5 years now and are very settled....Baltic if you've no heating tho!
Your poor ds (and the rest of you obv!) Hope he was better during the day.

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emilyandjohn · 11/12/2008 13:04

Glad to hear you had a better day. It's a tough age. have you thought about introducing a bit of baby signing? I think that it reduced DS1's frustration at that age. Also, maybe look at all aspects of his routine - is he in the process of dropping his morning nap? Is he eating regularly enough? I found that offering DS1 a healthy(ish) snack roughly every two hours really helped his behaviour. I never cracked the napping thing though so no tips there!

KTNoo · 11/12/2008 16:42

Oh I remember this phase! A day in the house was the worst thing ever.

I seem to remember we got so much mileage out of going for very slow walks and stopping to examine every stick/stone/blade of grass. And looking for cats/dogs/horses.

yes it was hard. but you know now that i have 3 dc and we are always rushing around I have a lot of nostalgia for those days!

Don't worry, he'll soon get into TV! I think Bob the Builder was the reaon anyone got any dinner in our house at that age!

PoinsettiaPussyCat · 12/12/2008 15:59

Hi again, just caught last 2 posts

E+J - He just has one nap after lunch now, anything from 1.5 - 3 hours. We were supposed to start sing + sign in Sept, but there were very 'set' terms + I got the distinct impression they didn't want us there as we couldn't do the first 2 classes due to holiday, they ignored my emails about tagging on with the next lot IYSWIM. So bit annoyed about that, but anyhoooo.... Think I might get a book on signing. Will try + give more regular snacks, 2 hourly is prob the way to go! Good idea

KTN - Thank you! I do wish we could do long slow walks but he can't bear it if I pause/stop.. Tis infuriating. I can't imagine what it must be like to have more than one, he's going to remain an only at this rate!

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