How on earth am I going to cope with two children??

[iwouldgoouttonight]

I'm 34 weeks pregnant and have a DS (2.4) who seems to have just entered his 'challenging' phase. He was previously a really good sleeper but now he refuses to have his nap but is then exhausted by the end of the day and becomes slightly hysterical when we try to put him to bed. Everything from getting him ready to leave the house in the morning to getting him to sit at the table to eat his lunch is a battle and takes twice as long as it used to. He's a lovely child and I know is perfectly normal and he's just pushing the boundaries but I'm so tired and I'm really losing patience.

If I'm this tired now how am I going to be when we have a newborn to deal with as well. When DS was tiny he wanted feeding every hour day and night and I was completely exhausted. If the new baby is like that there is no way I'm going to have the patience or energy to cope with DS when he won't go to bed, etc.

I'm really looking forward to finishing work next week so I can have a rest but I'm absolutely dreading the baby being born - I'm starting to wake in the night wishing I wasn't pregnant and could just concentrate on enjoying DS.

It doesn't help that things are a bit strained between me and DP - we're both working long hours and also trying to finish decorating (just spent the evening so far doing a spot of tiling while DP is out at work!) and we don't seem to have time for each other or to do any fun things as a family - we just seem to snipe at each other. So all I can see is it getting worse once the baby is born - I remember having a constant frown on my face for the first three months of DS's life and DP and I seemed to be always snapping at each other.

Sorry - that was a bit of a long ramble - I suppose I need to try to think of the big picture and we really want to have two children - and when they are older I'm really looking forward to all the things we can do together as a family, but I just don't know how on earth we're going to get through the next few months.

I remember feeling bloody exhausted when heavily pg with dd2, with a 2.6 yr runner-off-er to deal with

I was moaning about it to DP one evening and wondering exactly what you are wondering about

And he said "Yeah, but you won't be pregnant then, will you?"

At first I was a bit , but actually, he was dead right. I felt COMPLETELY different once the baby was born. A totally different scenario to deal with, but not one which included late pregnancy

Good luck

We have 21 months between our DD's and IMO it is DEFINITELy easier with a toddler and baby than toddler and late pregnancy (even after a CS)

Yes, you will snap in the early months. DD2 is now 16 weeks and it is tough, but they already interact and it is just magical

You'll be fine

It's knackering. I'm not going to lie to you.

But you get through it. Many, many people have. Of course, it is better if you can share care and get your head down a bit with your husband taking care of them, so you don't get totally knackered, but single parents manage and rarely have this.

It's fear of the unknown, isn't it? But the reality is nowhere near as scary, I promise.

There's 15 months between my two, and before ds2 was born, I was fearful. But as it turned out, it wasn't much harder than having the one.

The one thing I would say though, is try to regain closeness in your relationship - this is the time when the 2 of you need to pull together, not pull apart.

DS was as you describe. He never slept through until 3 and was into everything.
DD1 came along in the Jan before he turned 3 in April and she was a dream baby. Slept through from 6 weeks and life was fab.
Then along came dd2 when dd1 was 3 having a 'good' baby is down to genes and not parenting imo as she is much like ds however i wouldn't be without any of them.
You will be fine and congrats on your lovely little family

It will be relentlessly hard work but tbh I think it's probably better that you're thinking about it now, ahead of time. You'll slot into a sort of a routine after a while and it will be do-able; involve DS as much as you can with the baby, and talk to your DP about how you're feeling. You can help each other through this and that will help your relationship.

The answer is that you WILL cope.

I am six months into it with second dd and, at 34 weeks pregnant, I could have written your post myself.

I went through hell with my first daughter when she was a baby. Feeding was a nightmare, and she was a very difficult baby to deal with from the start. My relationship with my husband suffered a lot and we nearly split.

The second baby has been an absolute breeze in comparison. I had a tricky start with her (suffered a horrible hormonal anxiety/depression crash for a few weeks), but it just has NEVER got as hard as I imagined it might. The second time you are totally confident handling a baby, you understand much more instinctively what they want when they are crying, you know how to establish a routine etc. It all just clicks. And this has happened to the many other mums I know, not just me.

I won't lie. At times, when both kids are bawling, we're late for nursery and no-one's had breakfast, I feel like walking out the door. But, having been through it all once before, I am so much more aware of how quickly the whole baby bit passes. I am actually incredibly sad that it's all happening so quickly.

And totally broody for a third!!

Anyway, sorry if that's a bit incoherent. Just don't worry. You will not only get through it, but probably really enjoy it!

Thank you for your reassurance. People often say that your second child is easier because you know what you're doing, etc but I just can't imagine it. I just remember the first three months of DS's life being a constant blur of crying (me and him) and feeling exhausted and wondering what on earth I'd done. I know it passed and DP says it wasn't as bad as I'm remembering, but I know I didn't enjoy it and it was the hardest few months of my life - I'm not good if I've not had enough sleep, and its the sheer relentlessness of it all.

I guess my main worry if how it will affect my relationship with DS and DP. With DP I feel as though we need to find time for each other and sort things out now because if things are strained before the baby is born its only going to be harder once its here. And with DS I am already feeling guilty for not having the energy to play with him as much as I used to - I've not taken him out to the park or swimming for weeks because I'm just too tired and want to stay in and sit on the sofa, and that is only going to get worse. I'm just hoping that in a year or so's time he'll have a good relationship with his little brother or sister and won't be too affected by not having much attention for a while.

Of course he'll cope - as long as he always knows he's loved then he'll be fine. You will cope as well, because you'll have to - and with subsequent children there's none of that "shock of the new"; you'll have at least a vague idea of what to do with the baby, and so will feel more confident and in control, and that makes everything feel easier. None of my 3 younger DCs were as hard work as my first, and that's because I knew what I was doing. And the older ones all survived the arrival of the younger ones, and have good friendships now.

As soon as you're feeling remotely human again, go out with your DP and do some talking. It's a stressful time for any relationship but you'll get past it.

hiya im a single mum with 3 kids under 4 its hard but agree the exhaustion of late pregnancy and hormones make everything much tougher. baby 2 will actually be easier. u Know u can do it cos youve did it before so ur confidence and skills are better equipped. involving ur eldest in helping with baby, lots of praise, lots of emphasis on them being grown up and clever etc helps and when second child is at same "mad toddler " stage they'll have a sibling to play with and use up all that energy. You'll find u might give in to things ie. dummy, coming into your bed, for an easy life but whats important is what works for u. you have proof ur capable and youll find when baby is born you'll automatically cope cos he/she will naturally integrate into your life. i think it gets easier with more esp as they get older

i worried so much during my pregnancy too, my dd was 23months when ds was born but i found it so much easier than i had ever imagined, of course you cant nap when your baby naps as you have a toddler but i found i coped better with 2 than when i did when my dd was a baby, try not to get too worked up & go with the flow as your kids no matter how small will pick up on this, good luck x

In a sense it almost gets easier because you have to shut them out to some extent. No, I didn't mean that, sounds horrible, but with your firstborn, you're so on the ball all the time, react to the slightest little naughtiness, always trying to do the right thing. With two, you have to sometimes let things slip and after the first few months of adjustment, I actually think this makes for a more relaxed life.

Nothing v original to add. Try and manage your expectations is my best advice. Don't set unrealistic goals and don't give yourself (or your partner) a hard time when things go wrong, as they will at times. It is physically easier having 2 than being pg with 1 and the second baby will feel easier, because you will be more confident (and will know that a tiny bit of crying will not kill them).

If I had to give you one bit of advice, it's to try and sit back and enjoy it as much as you can. The second baby stage goes SO quickly and to my shame, because i was so wrapped in managing my v demanding 20 month at the time, I barely remember my youngest being a baby. I don't remember a single night feed but there must have been loads because she didn't sleep through until 9 months. I worried about things I didn't need (Like a tidy house etc) and in hindsight wish I had enjoyed them both being small..

i just wanted to add, it's bloody hard, no doubt about it. you look back, and having just the one seems like a walk in the park. BUT oh the BABY you have to console you through the tough time with your toddler!! i had a very challenging 2.2 yr old girl, volatile and intense, when my little boy was born and it was really tough for the first year or two, but my gorgeous little blue-eyed smiley little chap just won my heart and was the balm to my tortured soul whenever her toddler tantrums became too hard to bear! and now, well, now, they are 7 and 5 and thick as thieves. good luck!

Totally know where you are coming from, but agree whole-heartedly with all the rest of the posters: having 2 is far easier than 1+ pregnancy. I was relatively fortunate with dd2- there was only 17mths between them, so dd1 was still napping etc when I was pregnant. She was a really difficult baby to begin with, and, like you, I was dreading no 2, who actually turned out to be soo much easier- I think because you already have a routine of sorts, the second one kinda slots in (well, that was my experience)

When I had ds, dd2 was 2.5 and dd1 was 3.10, and I found that pregnancy really really hard- DH was away for almost all of it, and I just felt so guilty that I had no energy to play with my kids, or do the kind of stuff we would normally do together, but as soon as ds arrived I felt so much better, and he fitted in happily. Honestly, it will be easier than it is now!

You'll feel better once you finish work. I'm 39 weeks pregnant with a 2.5 year old DS and things are so much better since I finished work 4 weeks ago.