How do you explain to a 4yr the effects of & cancer, chemo???

[AuntyJ]

We have just had some devestating news that MIL after having surgery to remove her lymph nodes will need to start chemo on Thursday for 7mths.
At first MIL was told it will be 3wks of radium treatment after xmas,so we are all in shock at the chemo and the speed of it.
We have told DD that Nana has a sore arm and the doctor needs to fix it.
They have a great relationship and are always going on big adventures which will probably stop.
Has anyone had the same experience and have some adivce to give.

Try the library first, they have books on explaining just about everything to children, from a new baby to death of a parent, so I'm sure they'll have something suitable.

Sorry about your bad news.

My sister's ds was 4 when she had cancer and chemo. They were very up front about it. "The medicine mummy will have to help her get better will make her hair fall out. But thats okay because your hair isn't that important really, and mummy can get a wig or wear a hat. And then it will grow back and it might even grow straight not curly or be blonde instead of brown..."
"Mummy might be more tired than normal, but thats because her body is working really really hard at getting better and so it gets tired quicker than normal. But thats okay. If she's tired and wants to sleep she can, but if she's tired and just wants to rest, she can still cuddle up, or read stories or watch your favourite film/dvd with you"...

It was a case of being truthful but putting a positive on it.
HTH and that you mil and you all cope okay.

Posey how did your niece react to the news and the effects on her mummy?

Its my nephew! Anyway I think because they were open with him about a lot of it, he really coped exceptionally well. Of course they kept the deep conversations to themselves, I think my sister never broke down in front of him but certainly didn't always put on a completely brave face. He'd always shared a bath with my sis and that continued so he wasn't hidden from the physical effects (she had a double mastectomy). Of course he knew they were gone before he saw, and was fairly fascinated I think.
They were told that her chances of beating it, of making a full recovery, was very good, so they could truthfully be optimistic.

Just as a contrast, when my own dd was 3.5, her dad was taken serously ill, very suddenly. There was a point when I thought he wouldn't make it. Dd asked me straight out if daddy was going to die, and I couldn't deny it. I told her he might.
I think thats one of the best things I ever did in my life as a parent. She knows that I will be truthful and she completely trusts me. She's 11 now and we have a very good relationship.

Sorry Posey in a bit of a state at the moment.
Your right honesty with a postivity is the key.

Not a problem.
It really is pretty tough, and I think you will be a very important person in keeping things together. Your Dh/Dp? and your dd are both going to be looking to you for support so make sure you get some support too. If you want to talk, I'm to be found here most evenings or you can CAT me. There are a lot of people on here who've had to deal with such situations, you'll always find a listening ear.

Thanks for your kind words.Ive been up since 5.30 worring.
DH who is so positive about everything went into a shell last night. I ended up sending him out for last orders.
When does the shock wear off?

I feel for you. My mum has terminal ovarian cancer (diagnosed 2 yrs ago) which no hope of a cure. I understand the shock. It sounds terrible but after a couple of weeks, everything 'normalises', except it's a not normal that you will have lived with before.

I tell my dc that nanna is poorly and the medicine is making her hair fall out but that's a good thing because it means it's helping and they seem to accept that. The thing you might need to prepare for is that it's not great for chemo patients to be around 'germ-carriers' i.e. children (esp little) during certain points in their chemo cycle. We skype during this time as a small cold for someone could result in full blown pneumonia for a cancer patient, since for a week in each cycle there are effectively immuno-suppressed.

If you have any questions (or anyone in your family) contact Macmillan. They are great and they often fill in the gaps that the consultants leave.

Don't be too scared of the chemo. My mum is currently on her 15th session. WIth the right medication, the effects are not as horrendous as you first imagine and for certain points in each cycle, they can live a semblance of a normal life. I wish you all the best and hope for a smooth ride for you all.

My MOL has ovarian cancer and is currently on her second cycle of chemotherapy. She has lost her hair and wears a wig when DD (4) is around.

I don't think you can say much to a four year old other than "Granny is very ill and the doctors are giving her lots of strong medicine to make her feel better but it is very tiring for her and we need to be extra kind."

my mother had cancer for 6yrs so my DDs were born and grew up with it

they are such resilient creatures, honestly. my mother broke her heart worrying about them when her hair fell out - the kids didn't even notice, to them its nothing. I wondered if it is beacuse my dad is bald that they just thought it was like his

she sat here with her headscarf on one day and even though she was too warm wouldn't take it off - when we eventually told her it would be ok and she took it off DD who was sitting putting stickers on my mum's hands thought it was brilliant as there was no hair there to get in the way of the stickers on her head she has to be gentle with Nana but please remember how much pleasure your MIL will get from seeing your DD - especially as there is a very high chance your DD will be one of the very few who will act 'normally' around her

my mum had two different types of chemo, the first didn't do anything but make her loose her hair but the second made her very ill. At 4yrs old your DC will be aware of what feeling poorly is and that she's to be gentle with Nana

wishing her all the very best in her treatment - remember their big adventures can be something in the house now instead - drawing/painting/reading/listening to story books together/cooking

am sure she'll do you proud

Thankyou so much for all your kind words and support.
We spent a lovely evening last night with MIL and FIL. She is positive.
Cookiemonster thanks for the advice about bugs and germs I would have never thought about that. We will get in contact with Macmillian DH was saying last night he has loads of questions but doesnt want to bombard his mum.
We will tell DD this week.

Sorry to hear about your MIL AunryJ. You and DH might want to have a look at the Macmillan and Cancerbackup websites. Lots of good info there. They even have a section on talking to children about cancer. I found this really valuable when my friend had cancer and I didn't know what to say to my dd.

I've been recommended a website called Winstons Wish and have bought a couple of books from them to help too. One is for children but will be too old for your dd to read alone but it might help discussions with her, it's called The Secret C. My daughter has found it very helpful as it looks at all a child's emotions, for example, explaining that actually, yes, you can still laugh and have fun when someone close to you is very ill.

The other one is As Big As It Gets which is for parents and carers.

As said earlier in the thread Macmillan are great. They've now merged with CancerBackUp and offer all their free booklets and fact sheets here I got loads of them when dh was first diagnosed, all are free and they helped me to feel a lot more informed and know what questions to ask.

Hugs Kx

Sorry, crossed with Sparks!