"Cherry-picking parenting" - what do you think about this?

[Anna8888]

Do you think it makes any difference to a child growing up if his/her parents subcontract the parts of parenting they dislike (could be for example school run, visits to the park, chauffeuring to activities, getting a child ready for school in the morning) and just do the parts they enjoy (eg clothes shopping, reading, restaurants)?

Makes sense - although it's hard to accept that we are 'bonding' during the hell that is getting ready and out on work mornings.

OTOH dd loves shopping and restaurants - just wish I had the money to do it more often.

I hate parks. Dh is definitley the fun and frolics parent and I am the preferred parent when tired/miserable/anxious.

For myself I certainly could give up the boring/hellish bits TYVM - but I can see there might be too high a price further down the line.

"I would squeeze in both and have done."

Lucky for you that you can manage it.

DD is very keen on doing things at her pace and we don't see the point in rushing her just so her Dad can pack two activities in with her. May as well make those few minutes quality time!

Anna, does your DH do the dull or difficult bits because you complain? Or is he motivated by the 'adding to the bond' argument?

I wouldn't ever get my DP to do anything by nagging .

I start off with rational argument and calm negotiation tactics. This usually works after a while (he usually isn't up to speed on the task he ought to be doing so although he understands intellectually why he would be better off doing it, he finds it quite difficult to start with).

When calm rational negotiation fails (as it sometimes does) a little emotional blackmail goes a long way. I use emotional blackmail very sparingly - so he knows, but the time it gets to that stage, that I mean business .

I hate to say this but the idea of cherry picking the fun bits and sub contracting out the smelly and less pleasant aspects of parenting smacks of the "because I'm worth it" culture which regards any slightly more mundane tasks as completely beyond the pale.

I can understand parents choosing to share some tasks like playground vists etc. but that isn't cherry picking to the extent of "never changing a nappy" Madonna style.

Tbh I think its really quite sad. Whilst I admit I sometimes get miffed with dh being the fun parent and me that does the wiping/cleaning/cooking etc. (although dh does plenty of nappies at the weekend and also gets ds ready on work mornings)I like the fact that its me ds always wants when he's a bit off colour, tired etc.

Life can't be "fun" all the time when you are a grown up. This is a fact I feel many are loathe to accept nowadays.

Well if it's one or two things that you really can't stand, e.g. parks, I don't see the harm (though you should do them enough to know how to should the need arise)

I think it would be extremely damaging to the marriage/partnership for one member of a couple to be sole skivvy in charge of vile jobs and the other one the court jester.

DH doesn't do much nappy changing, it has to be said, but he does it enough to know how. He does get up in the night, but doesn't do prolonged wakeful periods because I can cope far better than him without sleep. He has been absolutely brilliant at helping out with potty training, and it was one area where his being the "fun" parent achieved a breakthrough - taught DS standing up wees just to amuse him, and all of a sudden, the toilet was no longer the enemy.

It's a matter of having to manage it and wanting to manage it. I like the fact that my Ds and hopefully Dd when she's older knows that I'm there for him/them come rain or shine so to speak. Perhaps I'd feel differently if I wasn't a single parent ~ who knows, but I don't miss out on the rotten cherries and only pick out the nice ones because all the fruit is part of their childhood and I don't want to miss a thing.

I have often wondered about this. I hope that my 3 dcs will remember that I was around a lot when they were young. But maybe because I'm around them so much I get more worn down and often don't have the energy to do anything fun with them.

Possibly they will remember a grumpy mummy who had her back turned to them in the kitchen preparing another healthy meal which they would refuse to eat. Maybe they would prefer a more upbeat Mummy who strolls in after a day at some satisfying job and throws some fish fingers at them then plays games.

Time will tell.

the child bonds with whoever cares for him/her, thats why i believe in raising your own children and ap.

ruby like your 1st quote

well it depends WHAT you subcontract (if it's everything but shopping, of course it affects the child: if it's a few things that you are rubbish at and your dh is good at - eg kicking a football round the park in pouring rain - can't see the problem) and WHO you subcontract it to, doesnt it?
if you are swapping jobs between parents and/or good caregivers (your dh does the school run because he's got to be at work later but you do geting up n the middle of the night because you're better with little sleep, say) it doesn't matter and its pretty normal - as a parental unit you are taking the rough with the smooth, which is what matters to kids.
if both parents only do fun stuff and subcontract everything else to staff in the manner of grand victorian mama, then probably not a good idea.

I don't think subcontracting some of the childcare (like using a nursery) does any harm, nor letting somebody else do the occasional activity that they are better at (CM much better at crafts)

but I do think it's essential that your parents are there for you when the going gets rough; that they mop the vomit off you, soothe away your nightmares, cope with your tantrums

The things I remember most about being little were walking home from infant school with my mum chatting about my day and then on really cold days sometimes she would have put some chicken in the oven, so when we got home the house smelled yum, and she would let me have a little bit before tea.

And things like messing around in the garden and showing mum and dad cool stuff I had found.

Or being tucked in at night by both parents.

Plus Dad coming home from work and kissing my mum and just feeling safe and loved.

You can't contract those routine things out, because that's what makes a childhood.

DH always takes DD to the hairdressers - nothing to do with cherry picking - in his previous job he didn't get much bonding time with her so it's always been thier special thing, and frankly I begrudge paying what they charge for them to take 1/2 cm off her one length hair and fringe so if he's happy to fork out for it that's fine by me.

..and it's great fun taking her shopping and for coffee, but I do do all the really boring stuff as well - think there is a large element of truth in what Ruby says

I'm really not a "new man" but this thread surprises me a bit ...

I agree with others - if both parents are playing to their strengths (I sleep so heavily my daughter's crying doesn't often wake me up ...) or if circumstances dictate (I do the bulk of the morning routine because my job starts later than her mum's) then that's one thing. (Well, two things, but you see what I mean.)

If we're talking about only doing the fun stuff because you don't like other bits, that's depressing and mad.

I am not a big fan of changing nappies (especially during teething) or of forcing a grumpy, squalling, non-verbal baby's limbs into "wrap up warm" winter clothes ... But every time I do, it confirms to me that she's MY daughter and MY job. I'm not her uncle, not her granddad, not her dad's mate, not a children's entertainer or Butlin's redcoat - I'm her dad and I love her and it makes me happy to look after her and do what I can to make her happy. Wouldn't have it any other way.

MIFLAW, that is lovely!

Nar I love all the dross - DS2 waking me up last night in the middle of the night because he had wet his bed. Me, stumbling around at 3am finding clean clothes and bedding - but then when I had him settled back in bed, him snuggling up and me kissing him goodnight. Nope that is my job, don't want anyone else to do it. Suppose because until the boys were 3 and 1, I had a full time nanny - know how much I missed out on!