Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Overpraising is out! Backhanded compliments are in!

33 replies

MrsThierryHenry · 04/12/2008 22:36

According to a guest on Woman's Hour last week, it's potentially harmful to overpraise your child, telling them everything they do is a work of genius, as apparently they can turn into self-obsessed little snotrags. She gave a delicious example of how to praise without elevating your offspring's ego beyond the moon and stars:

(I paraphrase)
'What a delightful picture, Tallulah, well done! You've worked very hard on that, and I can tell that you wanted to draw a very good princess...' - (under her breath: yeah, you wanted to...but it was shite!!)

Can you think of a good backhanded compliment for someone (young or old, famous or normal) who's worked ever so jolly hard and produced something really, really crap?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Megglevache · 04/12/2008 22:41

Well

personally I love the phrase you can't polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter

I can't see myself using that one with my children!

Original poster

MrsThierryHenry · 04/12/2008 22:42

That is just FABULOUS!!

OP posts:

Tortington · 04/12/2008 22:43

i just posted this on another thread.
kiddy art that was shit with clearly no effort - i told them it was pants ( all in the tone and language used at the time)

but good stuff i framed and put on wall. always pictures up on my walls when they were little.

its all about common sense even handedness. its hardly rocket science.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

MrsThierryHenry · 04/12/2008 22:48

Don't worry Custardo, I'm not seeking advice on how to praise - just looking for a laugh as I thought the example given on Woman's H was so laughable!

OP posts:

NotanOtter · 04/12/2008 22:51

agree custy

ds is 5 if he doesn't try - i wont condemn but i will say' did you try your hardest because i am sure you can colour WITHOUT going over the lines'

teens a wee bit more savvy and likely to retort by tearing said piece of work out of your hands and storming off but hey...you can but try!

Pheebe · 05/12/2008 08:30

I appreciate this was sposed to be a jokey thread but can I just point out how shit it is to be told yes very good but I'm sure you could do better. You can encourage and be positive for your kids without going over the top and also without putting them down. I would never never tell my kids anything they did was 'pants'.

BreevandercampLGJ · 05/12/2008 08:33

Somebody help me............

Tortington · 05/12/2008 09:03

diddum pheebe - got some mummy issues have we?

next time read my post properly

Anna8888 · 05/12/2008 09:06

I heard that radio programme too, MrsThierryHenry, and while I completely agree that overpraising sets a child up for terrible disappointment in the outside world/later life, I don't think that comparing a 4 year old's drawing to an Old Master and then making a comment on the child's drawing in comparison is very useful either.

Anna8888 · 05/12/2008 09:07

Last night my DD (just 4) wrote her name followed by Mummy, Papa and her two brothers' names on a piece of paper with little encouragement. She was so pleased with herself - it was a fabulous achievement for her age. So of course we were full of praise.

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 05/12/2008 09:07

I said to ds1 yesterday 'I love the way you don't know what you're drawing until you've drawn it, it's fabulous!'

PortAndStilton · 05/12/2008 09:19

The general point is a good one, but her example is terrible. You'd say something like "You've used lots of pink and purple in that picture, Tallulah" or "You've put some big straight lines in there" or something descriptive. What she said isn't not praising, it's praising and then taking it back again. Which is crap.

YohohohoAhoy · 05/12/2008 09:34

Isn't that basically a shit-sandwich?
An insult sandwiched almost undetectably between two positive statements?

Like....

"What an interesting picture, it looks like a diseased elephant, but the colours are very bright."

For something creative they've done on their own initiative, I'd always say something positive, or at least interested, even if it's really not very good. I'd reserve the actual praise for something really good.

For something they 'have' to do, like homework for example, I would make some comment if they'd rushed through it and it was very messy, for example. If it wasn't very good but they'd tried hard I might make a few suggestions, but would praise them for effort.

Mine are primary aged though, so suspect I will get harsher at secondary level.

WewishyouaBUMPERLICIOUS · 05/12/2008 10:33

My mum tells me how when I was little and used to draw my Grandma used to say "Oh, Bumper, what a lovely horse" and my mum would say "don't be ridiculous mother, you can't tell her something is good when it clearly isn't", which she is actually very sad about now she is trained as a child psychotherapist.

I laugh about it now, but it is actually quite sad when I think about it.

Pheebe · 05/12/2008 12:25

You really are a nasty piece of work aren't you custardo.

snigger · 05/12/2008 12:30

I never stint on praising my kids, but if DD1 (as is her wont) dashes off some half-hearted piece of tat in lieu of actual effort so she can get back to Prank Patrol, I won't stint in telling her it's not up to much either.

Happens often with thank-you notes, letters to Nanny, and homework, I find.

Having said that, I was born in the north-west, backhanded compliments are akin to adoration where I come from, none of your tippy-toeing....

SpirobranchusGiganteus · 05/12/2008 12:31

I'm sure she isn't, pheebe.

My DS1 is really bad at drawing and I have sometimes said that a piece of work he has done isn't good -- simply because he would realise the insincerity of praise and feel a little worried at my lying to him.

I'm sure cistardo didn't actually sneer at her child!

SpirobranchusGiganteus · 05/12/2008 12:33

And in answer to the question in the OP, how about 'You worked really hard, Tony. Just the one agressive, murderous military campaign in a whole decade. And quite often you told the truth.'

Tortington · 05/12/2008 13:28

kiss my arse!

Tortington · 05/12/2008 13:29

Pheebe · 05/12/2008 16:01

"I'm sure cistardo didn't actually sneer at her child" I have no idea whether she did or not, I was referring to her post directed to me personally in her usual unpleasant tactic of unprovoked verbal attacks and snearing at other posters, especially those who might disagree with her or have a comment that doesn't completely agree with her pov.

SpirobranchusGiganteus · 05/12/2008 16:23

Who, me custardo? I'm sure you wouldn't want me to kiss your arse. I am threadworm you know. generally people prefer me away from their arses.

SpirobranchusGiganteus · 05/12/2008 16:24

It could be arranged though.

Tortington · 05/12/2008 18:00

no darlink no you

PHEEBE

youmanner toward me was crap - and i responded approriatley.

get over it

Pheebe · 05/12/2008 21:47

You carry on custardo, its only yourself you're showing up. I didn't attack you personally in any way I simply expressed an attitude different to yours. It is conceivable that not everyone has the same attitude as you you know.

Flip

1 2