Adjusting to 2 kids

[MrsMattie]

Hi all.

Feeling a bit confused and angsty and could do with some advice.

I had my 2nd child (DD) 3 weeks ago. I already have a DS, aged 3.9 yrs old. He was my complete and utter PFB before DD came along, and I worried that I wouldn't be able to love a second child anywhere approaching as much as I love my DS. Turns out I was wrong, luckily . I had a tough birth with DS and although I bonded strongly with him from the word go, it wasn't that euphoric 'rush of love' you hear about. With DD, it has been totally different - I'm still absolutely blissed out with her and can barely put her down - I just want to cuddle and kiss her all day . It's like being in love. All great... however, I feel really distanced from my little boy. He suddenly seems really grown up and huge and I feel really odd around him. When he's asleep at night, I sneak into his room for a little cuddle and to stroke his hair, because I feel like when he is awake, we just aren't very close any more . I have been trying to spend time with him on his own, but it's hard to fit everything in around a new baby. I can't explain it. I feel really guilty, like he has been replaced in my affections, and it makes me so sad.

Is this normal? How did you all feel when you had a second child?

It DOES get better.I had the opposite thing as no2 had sn and a difficult baby,but honestly,you will adapt and get the closeness back with NO1.Try to spend a little 1-1 time with no1 I know its hard in early days,even if youre dh takes no 2 and you bath dc1.I read lots of books whilst bf and used cbeebies as a crutch .

It WILL get better as the littlest gets bigger.Honest

Sounds VERY normal to me. I struggled with exactly the same feelings to start with, my DD was 2.9 when DS was born and suddenly she seemed SO grown-up. It settled down after a little while but your comment about sneaking into your DS's room sounds very, very familiar!
Just remember that at the moment you are awash with hormones, new baby euphoria and lack of sleep and don't be too hard on yourself

Congratulations on your new daughter!!

I can relate to some of what you're saying. I have a stroppy, obstreperous, bossy, cantankerous, boundry pushing, destructive, tantrumming 2-year-old dd, and a plump, grinny, cuddly, scrumptious 7-month-old ds.

For dd I can do nothing right ("NO MUMMY! NO!!!")
Ds lights up when I walk in the room.

I try not to feel guilty. I KNOW that I love them both to the moon and back. There will be a time soon enough when dd is a kind, helpful, bright, sweet 4-year-old* and ds is a cranky, furious 2-year-old. I just try and enjoy each of them individually for how they are now, and not compare.

It's very early days for you, and it would be unusual if you drifted serenely home with your new baby and didn't have any worries or issues about how this whole new person was going to fit comfortably into your family dynamic.

Make time to spend doing things you used to do with ds. He's bound to find things a bit odd and will need reassurance that he is still your baby too. Things will normal up soon enough.

*Note to parents of 4-year-olds; please do not enlighten me. Thank you .

You are only 3 weeks in and still in the babymoon stage - it is completely normal for you to want to sit and just stare at your new dd - you're still getting to know her.

Lower your standards and expectations of yourself - just spend the next few months in a tip of a house enjoying getting to know how a family of 4 works! Your ds really won't mind watching a bit more tv until his dsis is ready for you to put her down!

Congratulations!

Broccolispears...are you me?

MrsMattie - agree with everything BS said (down to the ages and sex of the DCs)

I do think there is an inbuilt survival thing to make your feelings for a new baby so very fierce - they do tend to overshadow your (just as huge) love for anybody else for a while.

Congratulations BTW

I can totally empathise with this. DS1 was 3 when DS2 was born and he suddenly seemed so huge and ugly in comparison. It doesn't help that DS1 is often what an uncharitable person might describe as naughty and stroppy (he's 4 now Broccolispears ) whereas DS2 is a little cherub who spends his time smiling and batting his eyelashes at old ladies in the street.

Oh, the guilt of parenthood.

I definitely feel that the bond between me and DS1 has slackened a bit although now DS2 a bit more independent, am trying to spend more time with DS1 alone.

I had to spend a lot of time to begin with reminding myself that DS was only three -- he was sooooo much bigger than DD that I think to an extent I started expecting him to suddenly start behaving like a much older child and got annoyed when he didn't. Over time it all settled down.

I empathise. I felt exactly the same when my second was born. Everything you're feeling is normal. It's a massive adjustment and in my opinion harder than going from 2 to 3 or more. Remember you're only 3 weeks postpartum so cut yourself some slack. Things will settle down and you'll find your groove. For the moment things will be rocky and as long as your firstborn is getting lots of cuddles from you, he will be fine, and so will you!

Oh, I could cry. Thank you everyone. I love MN.

xxx

(Have to dash, as DD is rooting around for a feed!)

We are a few months on-DS 3.4 DD 4 months.
Interestingly had the opposite to start with-I really missed my 3 yr old pfb DS-mourned almost for the loss of that bond and DD was/is v screamy/refluxy but now she is 4 months and as cute as a button I do kiss and cuddle her non stop.
I think the important things are-do talk about it with the older one and let him express his feelings-DS loves her but also calls her 'a stinky poo poo baby' -don't forget to give the older one lots of physical affection and cuddling- I too always make a point of going back and giving my big boy a special cuddle once the monkey is down for the evening even if he's asleep. I do constantly have to remind myself and DH all the time of how little he is really and how being a bit (well a lot) stroppy and defiant is natural when it gets him attention from me which he feels the lack of. Special time with the older one is a lovely idea but doesn't happen very often round here (DS works long hours) but I'm hoping this will change once baby is older-I think it'll be great for both of us. And don't be hard on yourself life is really hard when you are sleep deprived-you are doing the best you can.

I just wanted to add another voice of support MrsMattie - what you describe could have been written by me after DS2's birth. I guess it didn't help that DS1's (age 2.5 at the time) nose had been put out of joint and he became naughty etc etc when he hadn't ever been before (poor thing's world had been turned upside down I guess!). It got a lot better after a couple of months, and then 5/6 months was a huge turning point - the boys started interacting more, the baby was in a routine and sleeping through etc etc.

DON'T WORRY. You are totally normal, and I'm sure you are doing all you can to help your DS adjust. Try to spend some one-to-one time with him, even if it is just doing his bath/story etc. You will have glimpses of "normality"!

It is still very early days and you are probably still hormonal and tired. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Congratulations on your DD by the way!