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Original poster

Discipline by Nanny - what to do

16 replies

stroppyknickers · 01/12/2008 11:55

Dh's mum is nanny. She and Grandad are in their 70s. DD is having a sleepover party soon, and I suggested ds (6) and sa (3) went for a sleepover at nanny's. However, older ds reacted sadly/ crossly etc and adamant doesn't want to go. Last time (and first time) (cple mths ago) he apparently kept everyone awake - Nanny told us this, as well as being cross he didn't eat much cooked breakfast. It now turns out (via dd and ds) that he was punished by being sat in the dark on the stairs for 20 mins after Nanny and Grandad went to bed. Nanny told him if he was quiet and stopped crying he could have his bedtime animal back. What do I do? I don't really want to send him again...

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Original poster

stroppyknickers · 01/12/2008 11:56

mean ds (3) not sa!

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Wallaroo · 01/12/2008 12:00

Think you need to talk to her about this incident. What does you DH say? I would be relunctant to send them again without my or DH's presence but that is probably a knee jerk reaction. Needs open discussion with nanny about why you don't want this to happen again and some suggestions about how you would prefer her to manage a similar situation in the future.

Original poster

stroppyknickers · 01/12/2008 12:03

well, dh thinks she is quite harsh already but loathe to upset her too much. She doesn't speak to one of her daughters.

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Wallaroo · 01/12/2008 12:05

Oh right, difficult but I think somehow you've got to get your point across. Sounds like it could be quite a sensitive conversation. Do you have to use your MIL? Is there anyone else - your parents? Difficult situation.

dinkystinky · 01/12/2008 14:52

That sounds awful Stroppyknickers. I think you need to speak to her, gently, about the effect this had on your DS and how it has impacted on him. If they need to discipline him, there are better ways of doing it - maybe suggest some techniques you use at home which work effectively on him. Otherwise, if you're worried about upsetting her, simply keep dont send your children there for sleep overs until they're ready to and explain that they dont feel like sleepovers at the moment.

Original poster

stroppyknickers · 01/12/2008 16:10

Thanks - this one was 'booked' before we found out. Might mention it , or bottle it and pretend they are ill!

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Original poster

stroppyknickers · 01/12/2008 16:10

Thanks - this one was 'booked' before we found out. Might mention it , or bottle it and pretend they are ill!

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Original poster

stroppyknickers · 01/12/2008 16:10

Thanks - this one was 'booked' before we found out. Might mention it , or bottle it and pretend they are ill!

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Original poster

stroppyknickers · 01/12/2008 16:11

baby pressed keyboard....

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mummydoc · 01/12/2008 16:28

we had similar summer 2007 - dd1 was asked by my ILs to go and stay for a few days with them ( they live at the seaside) my dd said yes very happily ( ha dbeen the year before ok) then she suddenly became very quiet and went to her room , when i went up she was crying and said my mil had told her she could come but not to bring her comforter ( a beloved teddy) as she was a "big girl" actually aged 8 at the time, and she only has said teddy to sleep with - i was absolutely furious, as then dd said MIl had threatened to put it in the bin if dd did take it. I told dh that under no circumstances were our children ever gogin to be made to go and stay with his parents . He told his mum why dd had changed her mind and she tried to make lighof it saying she was only joking but i know her better and to this day my dd1 clearly feels uncomfortable in her prescence and will not go and stay there on her own and in fact is not that happy to go at all even with my dh . I would explain to your MIL that your ds was very upset about what happened and you feel that maybe while he is so little it would be better if they didn't do staying over.

rlp · 01/12/2008 17:12

Well done for waiting until you are calm to tackle the issue. I think you need to do it now. if she never speaks to you again, at least you know you did what you thought was right. Our family has been capable of holding grudges some time though. (Different situation, not about kids.)
You mention that DH thinks she is quite harsh. What has your relationship with her been like? Would this comment be better given by you or DH? Would you do it in person or by phone? Would you be happy to include DS in the conversation with MIL?
Sometimes questions are better than answers as only your answers matter.

bigTillyMint · 01/12/2008 17:20

This sounds like something my mother could do She is stuck in the 1940's, with no idea of modern kids - children should be seen and not heard, etc.

I found it very upsetting when they were younger, but now they can stand up for themselves, or at least tell me. Well, she thinks DD is pretty angelic, but cannot cope with DS at all. To be fair, he is very full-on, but she is very intolerant.

However, it is in the open, and we have agreed on behaviour management strategies that are acceptable to us.

I would do what mummydoc suggested - she needs to know what the problem is, so that you can find strategies for her to use that are not cruel.

Original poster

stroppyknickers · 01/12/2008 19:37

mummydoc - how awful. I feel so sad when i think what people sometimes do/say to our dcs in our absence. rlp, i am just a bit shocked by it. I don't want ds to talk to her as he has speech issues and finds it hard. bigTilly - boys seem to shock GPs a lot more than girls do - I might get dh to speak to her tho!

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fridayschild · 01/12/2008 19:50

Your poor boy!

I had some disagreements with my own mum about parenting styles until she decided that fashions in rearing children change, and mine would be raised in the current fashion. This helps her try to adopt my practices on sugar and discipline, among other things. I think she got this from a book called the Good Grandparenting Guide, or How to be a Good Granny, or similar - I have seen it in the Bloomin Marvellous catalogue. Would that work with your MIL?

onepieceoflollipop · 01/12/2008 19:56

My gut reaction is that 20 minutes in the dark after the gps have gone to bed is really traumatic for a child, whatever their own style of parenting may or may not have been. I feel fairly certain that even "in their day" it may not have been a mainstream punishment.

Also if Nanny and Grandad felt that his behaviour had been so awful as to warrant such a punishment, surely they would have had no qualms about telling you when you picked the dcs up, not leaving the other dcs to tell you?

I feel very and about this. Personally their behaviour would mean that I would not be leaving my children with them.

My fil shouted and ranted at my dd for no reason (well, a few drops of spilt water) in front of me. We left his house as he wouldn't back down or apologise. NO ONE intimidates my children, not gps, not anyone.

Original poster

stroppyknickers · 02/12/2008 09:47

cd be a good xmas present fridays child! I agree lollipop - they just said he'd been naughty etc but not what they had done. I do need to stand up for ds a bit more, so might have to bite the bullet and mention it...thanks all.

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