Girls and their friends - AGAIN!!!!

[seeker]

My 12 year old dd is having a difficult time with a friend - not a school friend but one she sees on the bus every day and goes to Scouts with. This friend is being particularly vile to dd - and I have independent verification (!) that it's noting dd has done to this girl - it's just dd's turn to be her victim, if you see what I mean.

The problem is that her mother is a friend of mine - I see her a couple of times a week. If it was you, would you mention the situation with the girls to her? My inclination is not - but it's very hard to remain completely normal with the mother when I've just read a message on MSN to dd saying "Don't bother coming to Scouts tonight - nobody likes you because you're such a goody-goody. We have more fun without you"

Dd showed me the message, BTW - don't want to get into a discussion about snooping!

I don't think I'd be able to stop myself talking to the mother - and show her the MSN message and any other concrete "proof" you have so there's no way the mother can dismiss it.

A good friend will do what she can to sort it out - and very few of us think our DCs are perfect, so it might not actually be a huge surprise to the mother. Girls can be so horrible to each other.

yes I would tell your friend

I'd rather tell the mother, and make sure my dd was being heard, rather than protect the bully.

I think you're about to find out if this woman is a friend or someone you see twice a week.

Id have to say something to the mother.

Ive been in this situation but reversed.....ds1 borrowed my fone for school when he gave it me back ,a message came in i opened it thinking it was for me it was from a boy he was at school with who basically said my ds1 was bullying him and making him miserable i showed my dh and we decided i would telephone the boy and speak with him ,i foned him nd said his this is ds1 xxxx mum ive just read your text and id like to talk to you about it,is your mum there?
no he replied

are you happy to speak to me or shall i fone when your mums in? im not happy that you think ds1 is bullying you and i will not let him do this i will stop it tonight ok.

he was happy to speak to me and told me what had happened(this did seem v trivial but i assured him it would stop and that tomorrow things would be ok in the morning he was to say hi xxxx to ds1 who would respond nd be normal so hed know it was settled)when it ws resolved i asked when would his mum be home as im an adult and his mum might not like it.

as it went his mum foned me the boy had become very upset and said ds1 was his only real friend he hadnt been bullying him if anything he was being mean to my son the boys dad had recently died and this was i think a cry for help.

all sorted now and they are 15 and the best of friends -but i think you have to say something.

On paper speaking to the mother is the most obvious thing to do but in practise it's a different matter. No one wants to hear or believe that their child is a bully, however imperfect we know them to be. It depends a lot on how well you know the mother and how you think she'll react - will she defend her DD or be shocked at her behaviour?

If you suspect the former, is there any way you can sort this out without confronting the mother directly? eg by talking to her scout leader who could intervene more neutrally?

Forgot to say in my original post that when this first started happening, dp said he didn't want to give this girl a lift to Scouts any more (he's a helper, so he always does the Scout run) and I said I didn't think that was a good idea, assuming it would blow over, like most girl-spats seem to do. I haven't had a chance to talk this MSN thing over with him because he's been working away but I suspect he's going to say again that he doesn't want to take her. So either I talk him out of that, or we'll have to bring it up with the mum.

She's not a close friend, BTW - she's someone in my circle but I do like her.

I would definitely say something. DD1 had to come back from after school club with a frien in mum's car (dd1 was 7at the time). she was comming back putting on a brave face but as soon as friends car was out of driveway she would burst in tears. She told me that all day her friend had told her she was not happy that DD1 had to share car with her and called her a cow. I did let go the first time but when it happened again the next week I had to talk to the mum. I told her I did really apreciate her giving a lift to DD but I would make other arrangement because they were not getting along and DD was uncomfortable. We talked about wwhat was said and my now friend askes her DD to appologise to mine. We still did for a while made other arrangements until things settled for both girls. Now, 3 years on, they are very good friends and there has never been something big enough between them to necessite adult intervention.

I think these situations need to be nipped in the bud and air has to be cleaned asap. most mums IMO are do appreciate being told, I know that I would be mortified to learn any of my DCs to be unkind deliberately to one of their classmate but still would like to be told about it.

If dealt the right way, it should not mean the end of the relationship between yourself and the mum of tis other girl.

Saying that, I told one of my neighbours that her daughter had been rude to ME, she never spoke to me again.

Sorry seeker have crossposted with your last post, for what it is worth, I think youe DH is right. It would be unfair in your DD otherwise.

Put it this way: If your dd had written an MSN message like that to some other girl, would you want to know?

Meant to be: YOUR DH

Personally, I would say something to the mother. I also think that you should talk to your DD and see what strategies you can help her to put in place to deal with this girl. If it's not sorted now it has the potential to get worse as she grows.

I banned a child from having anything to do with my DD a few years ago. Now I tell DD that if she (DD) gets involved with her she has to deal with the consequences (the underhanded bullying, the whisper campaign etc). DD knows how to walk away and say no. It isn't easy but it does work.

Thank you, everyone. I wasn't sure about intervening with a situation like this now they're 12/13 - if she's been 7 I wouldn't have hesitated.

Dd is dealing with it quite well - she's a sensible girl and we have lots of conversations about relationship strategies - she's at an all girl's school, so there's a lot of social politics.

Now what do I say to the mum - "Your daughter is a manipulative evil little cow and if she doesn't stop being vile to my dd I will personally rip her head off and use it as a football" is probably not the best approach!

I like your thinking but perhaps not! lol

Just tell the mother that things don't seem to be working out with the girls and you think they could do with a break from one another. If she wants specifics then give them. hth

I wouldn't tell the mother. I would support my child through it and actively help her out in her chosen course of action.

I think it would be a good idea to speak to scouts and school about this bullying on msn so that the tpoic can be raised without anyone's name being mentioned.

Giving a lift is tricky. I would feel the same as your dh. But I think I would opt to still give the lift as I would be present (obv) but make it clear to my dd that she was under no obligation whatsoever to socialise with this girl and I wouls support wahtever stratgeis she chose.