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Parenting

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Original poster

Is it normal to feel enormous guilt at the imminent arrival of DC2?

21 replies

artichokes · 25/11/2008 12:47

I am due to have DC2 in two weeks. DD is two years and three months.

In the last couple of days I have started to feel so guilty. I just want to hug DD and play with her all the time. Last night I sat by her cot just to watch her sleep. She is with her nanny today and I have called and asked have her back early as I miss her so much.

My feelings are not helped by the fact she has seemed a little withdrawn over the last couple of days. I had to go to the hospital yesterday and when I told her I was going she said "just stay with me Mummy, please".

When I imagine holding DC2 I picture wanting to see DD. What if these feelings affect my bonding?

Are these feelings normal? I have thought about all this before but suddenly I feel overwhelmed by it all.

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maretta · 25/11/2008 12:51

That's all very normal.

I found, when ds2 was born, I used to sometimes miss the days when it was just the three of us, the same way as I sometimes miss the life when it was just the two of us.
It all passes though.

Hope the birth etc all goes well

sleepycat · 25/11/2008 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FiveDollarShake · 25/11/2008 12:55

Dont worry I felt like this. I think it's pretty normal to feel like this and then you're hormonal state just intensifies the feels IYKWIM. I though that my DS (2.5 years when DD was born) would have problems excepting a sibling. I thought I was a bad mother for wanting/having another child etc. In the end everything was fine. I bonded well with DD and DS loves his sister so much.

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MinkyBorage · 25/11/2008 12:56

Exactly how I felt! Dd1 was only 14 months when dd2 born, and I was so so worried about her not being my baby anymore, and how she'd feel less important. When DD2 was born, I think DD1 felt like she'd been given a really good toy! On reflection, it was a bit sad how the oldest child does grow almost overnight, even on just a very basic physical level, it is strange having a new baby next to your 14 month/2yo baby, but what you are giving them by far outweighs any of the difficulties, My two adore eachother, I almost cry sometimes because they are so sweet and loving to eachother. They will never be bored or lonely either.
I too was really worried I couldn't possibly love dc2 as much as dd1, but I did, immediately, I was overcome by how much I adored her, and of course my love for dd1 was not compromised at all.
You are giving your dd the best gift imaginable, and everything will be wonderful!

maamajullah · 25/11/2008 13:05

i felt the same especially as dd was only 6mnths when i became pregnant again. And when ds arrived the guilt was terrible and choking. But i bonded well with ds. Just try and keep her involved so that she wont feel left out. She'll be fine

crokky · 25/11/2008 13:12

It is quite normal. My DD was born when DS was 2.0. But in fact, he loves her so much, his life has been enhanced by her. I kept them together all the time, sometimes when I am breastfeeding DD, I lay DS across my lap and lay DD on top of him so that he is not left out. He seems to enjoy it. I often tell him that his sister loves him. They are now 2.8 and 8 months and are still always together. He likes her company and anything I do for her, like changing her nappy, I let him help.

Sputnik · 25/11/2008 13:15

It's normal I think. Don't worry, it'll be fine

PortAndLemon · 25/11/2008 13:16

Very normal; I felt exactly the same. But seeing your DCs together adds a whole extra dimension to stuff. DS is soooooooooooo proud of his baby sister that I go all gooey when I see his shining proud face (OK, in practice it's normally a slightly sticky and grubby proud face) and DD thinks DS is just the best and funniest thing in the whole world and I love to watch her giggling away at him and reaching out to pat his face...

mabanana · 25/11/2008 13:27

completely normal! Yet totally wrong. You will not have to share the love you have for your dd, it will instantly double so you have the same love for both. And very soon your children will have each other as confidantes and playmates - much better than just you! I honestly don't know how my ds would manage without his sisters (he has Aspergers). Last night I lay in the bath while the children played together. I called out to find out what they were doing and ds put his head round the door to say, 'Sorry mummy, we are busy. DD is Superdog, and I'm her assistant'. I just carried on reading my magazine!

bella29 · 25/11/2008 13:28

Felt exactly the same. Mine have a 2 year age gap and I can't say they always play harmoniously but they do love each other so much and those few occasions when you see them hugging each other (without being made to!) make it all worthwhile.

Best of luck & don't give yourself a hard time

mabanana · 25/11/2008 13:28

ds burst into tears last week because he wanted another baby so much!

bella29 · 25/11/2008 14:06

Oh, crikey, mabanana - what are you going to do?!

Original poster

artichokes · 25/11/2008 15:07

Thank you all for your reassring comments.

Have just had a nice few hours with DD and have really enjoyed it. I think I am just scared we will never have time like this again and it is so lovely being one-on-one with her.

I am an only child so I find it hard trying to imagine the impact a sibling can have.

OP posts:

EachPeachPearMum · 25/11/2008 15:19

crokky that is such a lovely, lovely idea re the feeding! am all warm inside now!

artichokes I know just how you feel- I am due DC2 in jan, and have spent hours agonising over what "I have done to" DD(I wanted to be an only child, as the eldest of 4 ).... but she is so excited about having a baby brother.

Someone on here told me the loveliest thing- that when you're waiting for DC2 you're worrying about how your 'pie' of love will go round when there are more to share with... but actually when your DC2 arrives, they also bring a whole new pie with them. Made me feel better anyway

Original poster

artichokes · 25/11/2008 20:10

That is a lovely idea about the feeding isn't it? I will have to try that .

OP posts:

cory · 26/11/2008 08:30

It is lovely having one-on-one time with your child. But you can still have that later on. Opportunities will come. And you also get to watch them having one-on-one time with each other, which is a lovely thing to see. And you may get a chance of having one-on-one time with your dp, because they entertain each other. And you can know that in years to come, when you are no longer there, your dc's can still be having one-on-one time with each other.

mamakim · 26/11/2008 08:36

I'm glad i saw this thread. I posted a similar one but only one person replied! I have a 16 month old ds and i'm due in april. I've been feeling immense guilt recently. This thread has made me feel better. Cory that post is lovely and has really helped me.

littleboyblue · 26/11/2008 08:43

I feel the same way. Ds1 is 15m and Ds2 is due in 11 wks.
There was a poem posted on here ages ago that made me cry, it was talking about the guilt and missing it just being mum and dd, but it ended in saying something like, I watch the curiosity pass over your faces and I realise I've given you the best gift of all.
OMG I'm crying now just thinking about it.
That's how I think of it, although it'll be hard and I do feel guilty about having to share myself, I'm giving my ds a friend for life, someone to lean on when me and dp are gone.

Gipfeli · 26/11/2008 09:37

When ds was 3 we were for some reason talking about how things were when he was a baby, compared to how things were when his little sister was born (when he was 2y 1m). He said to me that dd was luckier than him, since when he was born he only had me and dh to play with, whereas she had us and him as well and he was a little sad that he had not had a big brother.

LiberalIdleOlogy · 26/11/2008 09:46

Yes, very normal - but quite misplaced. Don't forget you're 'all hormones go' at the moment too. Family dynamics will change when a new baby is born, just as they changed when you had your first, but it doesn't mean anyone will be or feel less loved. I had the same age gap and at now 2 and 4 the DC are very loving towards one another (save the odd scrap of course!).

Pheebe · 26/11/2008 17:55

Absolutely perfectly normal. Your maternal instincts are going into overdrive in preparation for your new arrival and as dd is the only 'real' child you have at the mo you're focusing on her.

DS2 was a desperately wanted child and yet I found myself sobbing in the last few weeks of the pregnancy unsure if I'd let Ds1 down by making him share me. I too was concerned about bonding with the new baby but the second he was in my arms it all fell into place. I was desperate to see ds1 but so that I cold share ds2 with him. I sobbed the first time they met and a year on still well up when I see the joy having ds2 around has brought to ds1. He's utterly besotted and devoted to him and can't remember a time when he wasn't around. Love isn't something you share between your kids, each one brings their own with them and there's more than enough to go around.

We're pondering number 3 now...

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