Feeling disconnected from DD, don't know what to do.

[AnonBadMum]

Hi
This is a confession. Since I had ds, who is now nearly 2, I have felt really disconnected from my dd. She is now 4 1/2. At first I had the baby blues, then for a long time dd was so unbelievably rough towards ds that I felt really protective of him. But nearly 2 years on I still don't feel like I love them the same. I shout at dd very readily. She is by no means the naughtiest child in the world, and every one else thinks she's wonderful. Sometimes she tantrums to the point where I don't want anything to do with her, and have to shut her in a different room from me so that I don't smack her. And I have smacked her, including across the face when she was screaming at me. She can be crying, but if I've had enough and think she's crying over something trivial, I'll just sit there stony faced and refuse to react. Nobody who knows me would believe this of me. I expect too much of her for her age, and always have done. And she's probably behaving like this because she's picking up on my feelings / desperately seeking my attention. I just want to be a normal mum who's capable of treating both her children equally. To think that I was worried about having a 2nd child because I couldn't see how I would love the new one like I loved DD, and now it's come to this.

i bet most of the time you are a normal mum who loves both her children very much, but every now and then, through tiredness or frustration, it can sometimes be a bit overwhelming. what do you think your worst times are? is there anything you can do to tackle the causes?

mine is definitely tiredness. i don't deal well with my dcs (or anyone!!)when i'm tired.

can you get a chance to spend some time with dd alone and have a regular girls' afternoon?

I think its quite common to expect more of a firstborn. As soon as they have a younger siblingthey seem much 'older'. I have to consciously remind myself how little my eldest si everynpw and then when I start getting cross.

4-5 is also a difficult age.....worse than 2-3 imo behaviour wise.

You need to reconnect, play with her, cuddle her, read her a story, tell her you love her, even if this feels forced and stiff.....it will eventually become more natural. Putting psace between you to stop smacking is not a bad thing to do either. Have you apologised for hitting her? How does your DH feel about this? Does he know?

Several months ago this post could have been me. My DD (4 1/2) is REALLY sore on my DS (2). Since he was born I have been quiety resentful of her hands on approach with him. The thing that made the difference with me though was when DH started to become very enamoured with his'boy' and started leaving her out. I felt so inclined to made up for the lack of attention for her that it actually did my bond with her good. I make sure that after I put him to bed each night that I get some time on my own with her.

We are really alike and have always had a fiery relationship much to DH's bemusement. She seems to bring out the worst in me like a sibling would. I have shouted at her and threatened her in a way that makes my skin crawl. As I said, recently things have been much better and I have taken her out for the day, gone swimming with her and spent some time alone with her. This attention seems to have made a difference (it's still not easy going- I don't know if it ever will be). Your instinct as a mother is to protect the most vulnerable and that is NORMAL. If you had another one (and I'm not suggesting that you should ), your DS would them seem like a threat to that LO. It's nature- you just need to find a way to reconnect and doing something that she likes is the best way to see her at her best again. Good luck- don't beat yourself up with guilt over it, it will pass.

to anonbadmom,

why dont you take dd out, just the 2 of you and have a fun time together, she is just jealous and you need to reconnect with her without your ds or dh or anyone else around.

you could go to a favourite shop, swimming or the park, let her choose, and while you are together just cuddle her and praise her and tell her she is special cos shes the only girl,

this may sound mad but you could also use a teddy to act as an intermediate for you both, i.e if she is mad at you she will tell the teddy out loud why,and then you can answer her in the teddies voice.

remember though you are the adult and she is the kid, she didnt ask to be borne so its up to you to sort this out, not her,

good luck..

Hi all
Thanks so much for your reponses and making me feel (slightly) more normal. I do need to take positive action rather than just hoping it will all be sorted out by itself. I would like to do things just the 2 of us sometimes, but DH is set on doing things as a family of 4 at weekends. I have confessed some of this to him. He says I need to stop shouting at DH. He is very upset (rather than angry) that I've smacked her and says he can't ever imagine himself doing such a thing. So then I thought it must be just me and maybe something to do with my upbringing that is somehow emerging even though I don't want it to.
Worst times are definitely when we're both tired, eg after school / work and trying to cook tea. But the other night I was shouting (or rather hissing) at her in the middle of the night for waking us all up yet again. Turns out she had a genuine reason this time. But instead of apologising and being nice to her, I found I couldn't snap out of being awful, and had to drag my DH out of bed saying that I couldn't deal with her. I knew I should be apologising and cuddling her, but just couldn't seem to do it, and it scared me.

Oh dear, I'm by no means a perfect mum, but this does sound a bad situation, and you are right, you do need to change and change now. If you don't feel you love her, vow to act like you do. Do everything you would do if she was your most loved and cherished favourite child. YOu must promise yourself that you will never smack her again, that's very important as it is already out of hand, and also not to shout (that's something I struggle with and am really trying to get a handle on at the moment). Try reading some books about parenting. 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' will help. 'Why Love Matters' may shock you out of your behaviour, though it's a hard, hard read. A book that might make more sense to you is the 7 Day Parent Coach by Lorraine Thomas which is on offer on Amazon with How to Talk.

I think your feelings are very normal. I was overwhelmed with my feelings for dd3 and for ages I strongly preferred her over my other two (4 and 2 years older). The older two did sense it too, they sometimes felt I was favouring the youngest. And sometimes I felt my oldest, who's a quiet, uncomplaining type, was drifting away.

It's lots better now. Things that improved it:

1. Age. dd3 turned from being an utterly charming baby and toddler into a rather tedious and tantrummy 3yo, she was especially bad with me. Meanwhile my other two turned from being tedious toddlers and 4yos into being really rather lovely school age children. So it became easier to feel equally fondly towards all 3.

1. I made an effort and still have to do so, to make sure I don't always go to dd3 first, I make sure she goes with DP sometimes and I have the other two, or one of the other two. Dd3 hates this, she has always guarded her position as charming family baby rather, but we do it and the other two really appreciate that she doesn't always get favoured or all my attention.

It does get a lot easier though I think as they change due to age.

I can relate to your post. It is very hard when you feel there is so much anger that you can't release it to relate to the child. My eldest and I have a challenging relationship. She gets very angry and attention seeking with me when she feels unloved (eg when I am demanding too much of her, on her case, etc) and calms down when she has my 'feeling' attention. I try not to dwell on the past but instead keep moving forwards.
It sounds like you really need a bit of space, perhaps some time on your own, even 1/2 a day to help you get some perspective. The trick is to do it regularly, 1 day a month or something.
Something we have started is to have a 'date' with the girls, so they each get some one on one time. 1 day a month I spend with dd1, while dh looks after other 2. The next weekend dh spends time with dd2 and I look after the other 2. The month after that we swap around, so we each get 1:1 time with each girl. This still leaves 2 weekends and 2 days that we can spend as a family together.
What I did last time was present dd1 with 3 options of things we could do (museum, trampolining or film) and she chose. It was a really good event, and we both connected with each other in a way that we don't when we are together as a family. It does take a bit of time to plan, but I think it will be worth it.
Maybe if your dh isn't keen, he could try it one time and you could try it one time and then report back to see if it helps.

Hope this make sense.

I am also coming out the other side of this. Getting very short tempered with DS1 and definitely having huge soft spot for the baby. Also, in our house, we seemed to drift towards DS1 - Dad and DS2 to me. And it became more and more ingrained.

Like many have mentioned above, I found the key thing was getting back some one on one time with DS1.

I found his behaviour improved when we were alone and we really reconnected. I could see all the lovely qualities that made me worry I could never love a new baby as much as him before DS2 was born.

It does take more effort and planning and jennifer points out rather than the usual "lets do everything as a family" habit. But it will be worth it!

The OP could have been written by me, so I hope it helps to know you're not alone. Like some of the others have said i have found i am able to reconnect with DD and feel my love for her again after she and I have spent some one on one time together. She is a different child when she has me to herself so it is easy to see that the bad behaviour at other times is simply due to wanting your attention.

Once she and i have spent, say a day out together, and we have laughed and talked together i once again am able to see just how amazing and special she is and i love her to bits. And then i feel terribly guilty for the times when i have been so angry with her.

What you're feeling is, IMHO, normal but i think a lot of mums are actually too scared to admit to feeling this way. It is scary to feel like you don't necessarily love your DC's equally, it has all sorts of awful implications. So well done for being brave enough to be honest about your true feelings. That's the only way to actually make any sort of positive changes and I hope you will take up some of the brilliant advice given here.

I think definitely acting as if you felt loving is the key. Setting yourself rules about what you are not allowed to do. And what you must do: set aside special times for your dd, praise her deliberately, tell her you love her. Don't worry if it feels false at first: you are practising connecting. If you do try these things, they may well influence your own feelings.