Help - nearly-5-yo DD crying about death and dying.....

[Poledra]

DD1 is having some terrible crying fits about death and people dying. We have not suffered any recent bereavements in the family so I don't know what has brought this on. I suspect she has seen a trailer for something on television (DH is not as careful as I would like with TV when the children are in the room). Tonight's upset was that she did not want her friends and family to die. Previously, she wanted to know (through hysterical tears) what would happen to the babies if all the grown-ups and 'big ones' died? Who would give the babies their milk? No-one would and then the babies would die too, she concluded.

I do not want to lie to her, but I want to reassure her too - any ideas?? I've tried telling her that yes, people do die but none of her friends or family are ill, so they are probably not going to die soon. Oh, and I did say that all the grown-ups dying all at once was not going to happen. Please give me some ideas to comfort a distressed little girl

You could try Heaven, or my dd's theory, which is we all get reborn as babies

She is just trying to make sense of it all so I would just calmly answer her questions and give her lots of hugs and reassurance.

Good luck

dd was like this for a while.

We just emphasised to her that all people die, but that we are not going to die for a very very long time, when she is an old lady. People usually die if they are very old or very ill, and we are neither.

She calmed down after a while.

My dd had a phase of this when she was around 4. I don't know what brought it on either, hers was mostly focused on fears of me dying. I didn't lie to her as it seemed wrong seeing as she's bound to encounter someone dying at some point. So I said we all have to die some time but there's usually a reason - old age, illness, a terrible accident. I think it's an irrational fear they have and it does tend to focus on irrational possibilities like your dd's fear of all the mums dying and babies having no milk. I just remained calm and repeated the same things and at some point she stopped talking about it any more. She's 6 now and rarely mentions death.

Just tough it out - I agree with tissy - tell her you're not intending to die until you're a really old old lady and she's an old lady too.

And IME turn it into a bit of a joke can help - like "I'm not going anywhere until I get my own back for all those tantrums you had/have - I'm going to be a badly behaved old lady...ha ha...who talks too loudly in public..." etc etc

My DS was like this - and when I told him most people only die when they get old, he then listed all the 'old people' we know - 'oh, I expect Great-Gran will die the soonest, she is really old....' etc.

It's a psychological development stage, part of realising that they are a mortal part of a wider world, but it's quite upsetting for them (and us!) - I agree, tell the calm truth, lots of cuddles, some distraction, also talking about being alive and what that means, maybe God (if that's your thing - DH is in charge of that side of things in our house!)and she will grow - well, not out of it, but more through it, IYSWIM.

Ds went through this too at around the same age, but I can't recall how I dealt with it at the time.

Thanks all, I was really hoping it was a phase they all go through. I've been going with the calm talking and saying things like 'I won't die until you, DD2 and DD3 are all grown-ups with families of your own. I'll be your children's grandma'. I like the idea of making a bit of a joke of it, Gagarin, thanks!

And I'll stop blaming DH for letting her see something inappropriate on the TV

We have a polite smirk when we see old people behaving badly - I tend to whisper to the dcs with an evil grin - "that'll be me one day...he he he"

don't worry poledra, we have a lot of this too with DD (7) and have done since she was 5. she's quite dark and quirky of spirit and i reckon will make a splendid teenage goth . we often discuss our theories of the after-life on the walk to school (DH - 'there is none. end of conversation'. thanks DH for your inspired contribution!!)both my kids checked with me regularly re whether my aged gran had died yet, until she actually did (when they were genuinely upset, but coped well).