Advice please on when you let your 10 year olds out alone

[largeginandtonic]

I have 10 year old twins, they are incredibly naive.

Their father (we are not together) had been putting them on a bus from his house alone. They then walked the 10 minutes home.

This arrangement was set up in the summer and i have felt nervous about it. He relied on text messages to check we were in before they got on the bus etc...

This of course went wrong. He put the twins on the bus before hearing from me we were not in. The boys were left alone waiting for to get home after i recieved a text from him saying they were on their way.

I was cross, to say the least.

I spoke to him and said i did not feel this was working and left too many holes for something to potentially go very wrong. He disagreed.

I asked him to return them home in future. He has argued with me and i change the subject as he will not listen.

There are several things i am not happy about and have asked him to come and speak to me. He is flexing his parenting muscles and ignoring me. He rides the bus with the boys but leaves them 2 blocks from home so they walk the rest alone. It is dark.

What do i do? I have asked him to speak to me and he just avoids me. Am i unresonable in my request? Would you let 10 year olds walk back alone in the dark?

When it happened again on Saturday they appeared at the door, i had no idea they were coming home. He had just assumed on a vague text message earlier. I had no idea of time so i could look out for them.

Hi
I've not much experience of ten year olds but when you say they are incredibly naive can you elaborate on that.

My dd is 10 and I have been considering letting her have a little more freedom in maybe walking to or from school with a friend.

It is a straightforward route though and I would probably be nearby anyway because I still have to walk it myself with my younger dc. I'm not sure she would manage a bus journey in the dark yet.

It sounds in this situation as though the setup has not come about via full consultation with you and it has already gone wrong because of that. I would be feeling just the same and mighty unhappy.

I think by ten, yes perhaps children do need to start to have a little more responsibility along these lines, but it does depend on a few things. Whether the dc are ready for it of course and also whether the route they will take is safe within reason and also that if they don't turn up it is noticed immediately, which can't be the case if you are unable to be there waiting for them.

Avoiding speaking to you about this issue is madness. I would be arriving at ex's home demanding a discussion on the subject.

So sorry the guy came to do an electrics check on the house and i have been power less!!!

They are naive in that they are not wordly wise. They have little/no street crd They still play with puppets and dress up. Swearing and the like would leave them feeling afraid. They are not used to it.

They have been fully briefed on stranger danger and i am fairly confident they wouldnt wander off with a stranger. Both are small for their age and look much younger than 10 too.

I have spoken to a parent help line attached to Social Services and asked for advice. They were very helpful. It was made clear there are no laws governing this but they would not recommend children of 10 catching the bus alone or walking home alone.

I just dont want the situation to blow up, we spent 6 years in a court situation.

I would say that they need to have a little street cred. You cannot protect them from the outside world forever.

If they are only walking 2 blocks, then I would let them walk it. It will give them confidence and perhaps stop them from being so naive. Where I live, children as young as Year 3 are allowed to walk to and from school on their own so long as their parents have written a letter of consent.

Instead of texting, your ex could phone you to let you know they are on their way. Or you could get them a phone between them to use on these occasions as it'll make them feel safer.

Yes they might walk past swearing teenagers, they might witness a few drunk people, but that's the world we live in and sooner or later they will have to deal with that. How will they fare when they go to secondary school? It's highly unlikely that anything will happen to them both whilst they are walking home. But I would insist that he call you rather than text, as you often miss texts. And if it's an ongoing arrangement, surely you would know roughly what time they will be arriving home anyway?

The times always change Rubarb depending on what the boys want to do. They have seen plenty of dodgy behaviour before out with us.

He just phoned! He disagrees but has agreed to walk them back to the door. He infuriates me but hey ho.

I had aslo asked him to phone before not text but he refuses.

I phone him and he ignores the call.

They walk to school and back (a mile each way) every day. This has been since september. It is light when they get home though not pitch black.