I'm ready to be flamed - I need to hear it straight , I need help. Feel like the worst parent I could be.

[AgnestheApplewoman]

I'm so totally overwhelmed by this that I cant see a solution.

I have not told ANYONE how bad DS3's eating is, I'm so ashamed at my inability to fix it and at my enabling/causing of his problems

DS3 is 2.10, bright, funny, happy but I never managed to get a grip on his diet after an awful bout of Gastroenteritis (sp?) at 11mths.

He has never eaten a normal meal, ie off a plate not mashed up etc.

His everyday diet is pretty much;
Breakfast- porridge (no sugar) with mashed up banana. Orange juice.
Lunch- one of 4 different toddler food jars (meant for 1 yo's )
Dinner - weetabix/toast.

As if that wasn't bad enough - i still spoon feed him. I dont know why, I am sure he just wouldn't bother and would rather go without. i think "i'll get him to feed himself the next meal, this one i'll do just so i know he's had something" but that 'next meal' never comes.
His snacks consist of dry crackers, Goodies cereal bars or plain biscuits like rich tea. Luckily he is happy to drink water.

We offer new things but he gets upset at even the suggestion that he tries something different.
He is interested in what we eat but refuses to join us or touch any of the food.

I just feel so lost and am now in a wierd state of nothingness in terms of fixing this. I just dont know how or maybe lack the backbone to follow through on things? I'm very decisive, pragmatic and very much 'in charge' in every other area of parenting but i feel kind of frozen to the spot on this one.

This is the only area that I feel i've failed him - without this i'd be a good parent but as it is, i have really damaged him i think.

He doesn't attend any playgroup etc because i just feel i need to fix the problem before he has to go into group setings where his eating will become an issue. Though i have some belief that maybe being around others kids eting will help? - again, I'm so worried to rock the boat.

Even extended family dont know how bad it is - i avoid at all costs having to be around other people at meal times. I had fight back the tears the other day when DB called to ask if DS3 will be happy to have xmas dinner along with everyone else or, as he knows he's fussy, will he have something like fish fingers and chips or sausage and mash? OH MY GOD I would give anything for DS3 to eat ANY of those things. even a bloody sandwich

I am so utterly ashamed buying the jars with DS3 there in the trolley - I just pray people assume i have a baby at home. I never wanted him to have jars in the first place but used them very occasionally as a back up when I hadnt had time to make something from scratch or we wanted something he couldnt have but very rapidly they becam the only meal he would eat.

I wish someone could tell me what to do and promise me that he would be ok and be able to eat normally. I dont know if thats even possible. I worry i have set him up for huge problems in the future. I would give anything to go back and not do whatever it was i did to cause these problems.

I need to hear how awful this is - but i also need advice. I would so love to hear someone who has been here and got through it but i doubt anyone has fucked things up so spectacularly

Sorry, so long!

my first thought is to get him playing with food - eg cooked spaghetti, kids love squidging this around and he could also dip it in paint to make marks on paper with it

almost go back to complete basics and put small pieces of food in front of him to let him touch and play with them, like you would a baby having finger foods

make no comments or suggestions about what he does with them, just let him explore

what would be the worst thing that could happen if you stop feeding him? what are you scared of?

I'm scared he'll be ill - i never actually followed that thought through before.
I'm scared he'll be weak and ill and sad.
Sound ridiculous but im in tears now thinking about that.

How I remember spoon feeding ds1 aged 4 and wondering how on earth he would manage at school. He just couldn't be bothered eating. He has survived and is now 5'11" and has just cooked lunch for everyone.
My friend's daughter lived on mayonnaise, cucumber and bread for a year. Friend used to comfort herself with the fact that there might be protein in the mayo...

I am no expert but I don't think you should be ashamed in doing your best. Maybe if you let him help cook/prepare with no pressure to even taste the results curiosity would bring him on a bit.

Is he particularly small or thin? If not, I'd suggest just giving him finger food at meal times and see how he gets on. Very difficult. I feel for you, as I know how worrying this can be. DD1 was a terrible eater, ok now she's older.

You poor thing . Look, he is still very young, he is not living on fruit shoots and haribo and you are aware of the problem so it's not so bad. My dd2 has sensory issues and has always been a picky eater so I know how it feels. Don't keep him out of groups as loads of children this age are picky (I work in a pre-school so I see it all the time) and it may help to see other children eating different things - he doesn't have to join in. Can you try introducing one new thing at a time alongside familiar food but don't get stressed if he refuses it. Also maybe just put a spoon down by his plate and encourage him to hold it at first then do just one mouthful and build it up from there. I don't think there's a quick fix for this but it's not as bad as you think. Hope this helps a bit.

no it is good to actually say what you are scared of and face it in a way

what would be so absolutely terrible about him being ill? was he very weak and poorly with gastroenteritis? did you think he was not going to get better?

I would go to your GP and ask to be referred to a pedeatric dietician who will be experienced in these kinds of issues and can give you ongoing support and advice.

It sounds perfectly fixable to me, but I do think you need to get some help sooner rather than later.

Firstly - you have not broken the world. It's reasonably healthy so he won't come to any medical harm on it. It's not great and you want to fix it.

Feeding kids reflects on how you feel yourself as a parent. It is one of the basic survival needs and so if you feel it is going wrong you can start beating yourself up and doubt even your basic abilities as a parent.

Stop that because he is not getting hurt by it - he just has got stuck on where he was at 11 months and needs to move on.

There are two main options - gradual withdrawal of the jars and complete stopping. Which one is better depends on the child and you. Gradual withdrawal can be easier on the parent cos they know that their child is still on a reasonable diet. Complete stopping is hard to do but can show results quicker.

On encouraging him to eat other foods.
Look at what food he is eating - it is reasonably dry, quite bland, and similar sorts of colours. So giving him a bright green curry with large lumps is going to freak him to hell.
So we start with food close to what he is used to. We make it funny and friendly to counteract some of hte fear - make it into faces, laugh and joke around it, play games. Don't get stressed around it or cross if he doesn't eat.

Will post more in sec.

So we start

Firstly it absolutely will get sorted out and you are thinking about his diet and open to sugesstions, you are a good mum, start from there.

Secondly I think a very very gentle low stress approach is definately the best way.

Just thinking of a few ideas in addition to ones suggested already; how about putting some finger food (tiny amount) in his reach and then praise the hell out of everyone else who is eating it but make no fuss about making him do it, he just might copy. Reward him for licking or touching a new food with no pressure for eating it. Would also second playgroup setting as helpful, I have a reasonably fussy eater in DD1 and the nursery were always telling me she had eaten stuff she woulndt touch at home.

OO what about making something yourself and blending it and serving it to him in one of the usual jars? Might get him to try it, then over time you could increase the texture of it. Have you got a friendly HV for more ideas?

You sound like you need a plan. Sit down, think of the ideas you like the sound of, make a list get a calendar and get a gentle schedule sketched out. Once you get started I am sure things will improve. Good luck.

Agree with the others and I would definitely send him to a playgroup or nursery where they have snack time or better still, take a packed lunch. Put a pot of something you know he'll eat (say like fromage frais) so you'll feel happy knowing he's had something, then put in a few other bits for him to try. If it's like our nursery, they will leave what he doesn't eat in his lunchbox. Totally agree with KateF that they will have seen this (and a lot worse) at any nursery, but go for one that will work with you and in a way that you're happy with. I'm sure that he will be eating other foods within a very short space of time, just because it's in a different environment and he can see other children (other than his siblings) eating too.

At home, I'd go for little steps - take him to buy a set of his own cutlery and plate/bowl "because he's a big boy and big boys feed themselves". Don't even worry about his diet at the moment. Then leave serve up his usual food and sit with him, eating yourself. You may have to steel yourself to see him eating nothing for a few meals (if you can't do this, try only feeding him for two meals a day and leaving him to do it himself for one). Once he's spoon feeding himself, I'd then reduce down the amount of his usual food and put some other things alongside it. Tiny baby steps.

Best of luck

Playing with food is a big thing especially as someone said getting used to the textures and the feel of it.

Picnics on the carpet with tiny pieces of things, including say toast or biscuits that he will actually eat.

Keep at least one meal a day the same - I usually stick to the same breakfast then at least I know ds has one decent meal inside him. As long as he has that then he won't get ill. Toddlers need the equivilant of 1 boiled egg a day in food as the basic amount to survive on.

Give very small amounts as it is less overwhelming and don't put pressure on him to eat them.

The cooking/playing with food ideas seem sensible though has a real dislike of getting mucky with food, the tiniest speck of food o his fingers has to be cleaned before he'll carry on etc. but maybe there are ways round that.

He is not small or thin or sickly in any way - in fact he is a picture of health, in a way i think thats what im trying to protect.

Franny - i think you may have hit on something, i feel really unsettled by your questions (not negatively, but like i'm just piecing things together that i have avoided) I realise the things i fear - him being weak ill and sad - are exactly the overwhelming memories i have of him when he had the Gastroenteritis. I think at that time i worried my inability to breast feed had caused it and the responsibility for this skinny, miserable, quiet and weak little boy and his discomfort and unhappiness lay squarely at my feet.

Thanks so much everyone - it feels very liberating to 'speak' aboout this and have people understand and empathise.

I have to go out now, but will re-read everything later. Thank you x

For a portion of my childhood I lived on sugarpuffs. And then on dry shreddies.

I do think that this needs to be dealt with, I puut a lot of my food issues (the fact I don?t like the textures of certain things ie fruit/veg in my mouth/at the back of my throat) down to the fact that my mum pandered to mypickyness and let me eat what I wanted for fear of me not eating at all. But you have taken the first step in admitting there is a problem and wanting to address it.

It is very, very common for children?s eating to regress when they have gastroenteritis. Especially if they have been very sick then they often will refuse to eat things for fear of being sick. So you let them have what they want, and even when they get better they still have the fear of being sick so you let them have what they want and before you know it you?re in a situation where you?ve let them have what they want for so long that you can?t get them to eat anything else.

Food is one of the worst things to have an issue with, because food is necessary to sustain life, so logically we know that our children cannot live without it, and therefore we cannot withhold the things they like for fear of them not eating anything at all.

At nearly three he is old enough to reason with to an extent. So, I would introduce some new foods to him alongside the ones he is already eating, in conjunction with a sticker chart. Take it very, very slowly. If he touches the new food then you let him have a sticker. If he licks the new food you let him have a sticker, and obviously if he puts a piece (even if it?s just a crumb) in his mouth he gets a sticker. As well as this I would ditch the jars, and start to make the foods that are in them yourself, and gradually reduce the mashed consistency so as to let him have lumpier and lumpier food.

Porridge is absolutely fine for breakfast. But instead of mashed banana I would slice it. Explain that it?s still his banana, in fact maybe involve him in the preparation of it (although I realize that at breakfast this can be tricky as he?ll want breakfast now), but show him the banana and slice it for him and put it in a bowl/on a plate for him to eat himself.

Similarly with his lunch, can you eat lunch together? If so give him a spoon and make it into a game, you have a mouthful of your lunch, now can ds take a spoonful of his? It won?t take long for him to realize that he can use the spoon himself to eat his own food.

And lastly make his food fun. Make faces on the plate; make the foods interesting to him; it?s not a piece of chicken with a couple of carrots, it?s a car (chicken) with orange wheels (carrots).

And get him to help you in the kitchen. Can you make a pizza together? Get him to put all his ingredients on his pizza, the grated cheese; the vegetables or meat of his choosing; all of which he can touch and be familiar with, and then you pop it in the oven and when it comes out you can sit down together and eat yummy ds-made pizza.

There are so many ways to have a relationship with food that don?t have to involve getting stressed about it. Food is such a big part of our lives that it also needs to be a very pleasant part, and it is entirely possible to make it that way.

Wow!

just scanned the last several posts - fantastic advice, exactly what i hoped was out there.

You're ll fab! Look forward to reading it all properly later

Agnes - my dd had some seriously iffy issues around food/taste/texture/control and I know how you're feeling now. There isn't a quick fix but it will be OK.

You sort of have two different issues here the spoon feeding thing and the limited diet. Maybe you should start with getting him to feed himself - he may not like new foods if it's you putting them in his mouth. Once he is in control he may be more willing to try new tastes. Do his usual food but leave him to it.

As far as new tastes, I agree it would be an idea to use his usual jars as a base and add new tastes and textures but very, very gradually. And also lots of finger food, his usual toast but one or two fingers with something else on them. I expect his taste is for quite bland food and it will take a while to change that.

Good luck

Oh you are really beating yourself up! Firstly atleast you ARE feeding him. I know one woman who doesnt have time to feed her son. I've known them for 2 years and never seen him eat very much (despite this he is growing well etc and masses bigger than my ds who eats constantly!. also when we moved out to the country (we moved back!) we had very little money and no oven. We had a steamer and a grill type thing and a fryer. For months my son lived off weetabix and toasties. Now years on he is 2.6 now he is still what somepeople call fussy but he will eat mountains of pasta, toast, chips if he fancys it, beans, chicken, mash, soup etc etc. It will take time but you will get there. Maybe sit him at the table or wherever he is likely to eat and give him a plate of food. BIts of cheese, apple slices, toast fingers etc and leave him to it. When my son was still quite fussy he would start a meal at say 5 and be picking at it up till bedtime. My theory was that if hes eating thats all that matters. Good luck with it all.

Hi Agnestheapplewoman,
I really feel for you. My experience of weaning my DS has made me realise the strong link between food and emotions, and the importance of weaning. And 11months is such a crucial time- they are just taking their final steps towards eating independently(ish) as you approach the magic 1 year mark so I can quite see how a bout of illness at this time would have affected you emotionally. It wasn't your fault though, my love, that your poor little boy got ill. These things happen, sadly, and I bet you cared for him really well. You were the one that provided him with all the comfort and nurture he needed when he was physically weak, and managed to get him eating again afterwards. Well done to you.

I agree with the other posters, that although you know his food intake needs widening it is still reasonably healthy things he's eating so it's not the end of the World, you haven't ruined everything and you can take your time.

I think putting food on his plate and letting him poke it, lick it, stare at it without expecting eating is a really good idea.

Take him out and let him watch others eat- tell them he's had a dodgy tummy and is only eating cereals this week, if it helps.
Also, if he has a general issue with getting mucky I would suggest some non-food related muckiness to build up his resilience. I think the key is small steps- play dough/ finger paints/ sand and water mix for a few seconds only at first, if that is what he can manage. Then heaps of praise and stop. Build it up slowly, slowly. Let him see you get mucky- smear ketchup over your face (!) and laugh. Then encourage him to put his fingers in it for a short while. Heaps of praise and stop again. That kind of thing, you know?

You can have your DS eating as you would like, I'm sure of it. You are a brave and strong mum to write all this on here- good luck and much love to you and your DS as you enter a new phase of your eating life.

Agnes - my strong intuition was that there was something really terrifying for you around this subject, which is what was stopping you (and him) from moving on

i would try to speak with someone about the time he was ill, and deal with your very understandable distress about it

you need to start to put it behind you now - he is a healthy young preschooler and no harm will come to him if he misses the odd meal or gets hungry from time to time

he will be fine, but you need to deal with the fear surrounding meals for both of you

I would put a selection of snacks on the coffee table and let him dip in and out when he likes. That way, there's no pressure on either of you, because it's not a 'meal'. It may take a few days before he shows any interest.

Agree with franny. And think the not-breastfeeding and feeling awful about that might be relevant too. And maybe also the fact that he is your youngest, your baby. You sound so honest and lovely, btw. Really hope you start to feel better about this soon.

was just about to post exactly what cathpot has already suggested ...great minds and all that.

I can completely understand where you are coming from, dd was a terrible feeder as a baby with dairy allergies, eczema etc and when i discovered at 12 months that she was no longer dairy allergic I freaked out instead of being ecstatic I was terrified!! weaned her onto "proper" milk far far slower than she needed just for my own sanity, only just on formula free milk now at 15 months, but still having 2 bottles a day that I am unable to do anything about. Thankfully her appetite has increased with age, and as my anxiety has reduced

I'm sure you've had loads of good advice, so I'm just going to tell you that I lived on cornflakes til I was about 11. My mum thought they were healthy so she didn't stop me. She only discovered later they were full of salt.

My brother lived on jam sandwiches on white bread. White bread of course. We are both healthy. btw, my Mum was a psychiatric nurse and she couldn't get us to eat normally. She did try.

We both eat normally now. I just didn't like different tastes.

My children eat normally. I SO don't deserve that.

I don't think his diet sounds too bad! I think this is a really common problem and don't think you should be so hard on yourself!
My eldest (now 17) was a fussy eater, he still is a bit but he would do better when eating along with other children.
Now that I have four children altogether it's not an issue. They all just get on with roughly what they are given.
Though these days my youngest (20 months) picks at his food and wants to breast feed all the time but that's another thread!

You've had lots of good advice already, wanted to say well done for being brave and talking about it / taking steps to do something about it.

Agree about keeping it relaxed and taking it slow. If you can work up to him just trying a bit of food with his fingers for that Christmas meal then you have a goal, and worst comes to worst you can pass it off as an off day.

Ref nursery, there's nothing like watching other kids to make your kids surprise you. I never thought they'd get my son to sit at the table / wait for his food /stay there for the meal without being strapped down, but it's magic when they see others do it and want to be the same, he did it almost instantly! If your LO sees peers using cutlery or even fingers and more challenging foods he may well surprise you.

Really good luck. Sorry this has been such a source of sadness for you.

P.s. porridge is fab food!