have I made a mistake in having DC2?

[ohnowhathaveidone]

I'm feeling a bit low this evening. DD2 is almost 6 weeks old and I'm wondering if I've made a terrible mistake...

DD1 (nearly 4) feels I never cuddle her anymore, and I am just exhausted. I so much enjoyed DD1 as a newborn, and I don't think I feel the same this time around. Maybe it just doesn't have the novelty value this time, or maybe it's just harder work with an older child around.

I totally indulged myself and DD1 when she was tiny - held her the whole time, fed her the whole time, co-slept. The result was that we were beautifully bonded but she was a crap sleeper and until she was 2.6 it used to take me 2 hours to get her to sleep, whether for naps or at night.

This time around I am frightened of making the same mistakes as I don't think I can manage 2 children at the same time as giving the new one what I gave DD1. So I'm struggling to put her to sleep in her moses basket at night. I can't decide whether patting and shushing a tiny baby while she screams and screams is actually cruel, or just a sensible strategy to avoid long-term sleep problems.

And I have spent the whole day dreading bedtime. I can't really put her down during the day, as I can't spend time doing all that patting and shushing with DD1 around, so I've just had her in the sling. So maybe she doesn't feel she can get to sleep on her own in the evening, not unreasonably.

And she still isn't smiling and is asleep most of the time so she just feels like hard work really. Though I never felt that with DD1 at all - I was euphoric.

I just feel so sad and keep starting to cry about it, which is horrible in front of DD1 who then feels she needs to make me feel better by telling me that she does like being a big sister after all and that she would miss the baby if she wasn't here. Trouble is I'm not convinced I would.

Sorry this is so long. Can anyone cheer me up?

Oh that sounds really hard. I think this period is one of the most difficult and it sounds like you're doing a marvellous job. Just trust your instinct and you shouldn't go too far wrong. Good luck.

It's hard work with a newborn and older children, I should know, ds is also nearly 6 weeks and I also have a three year old and a four year old.

It's impossible to give your new baby the same level of attention as your first born. But I really don't think they suffer because of that; they will also be receiving attention from the older siblings.

Does your dd1 cuddle and kiss your dd2? I try and encourage that, making her feel involved and that the new baby is for her to love too.

As for getting your newborn to sleep at night, that's just hard work, it doesn't mean that you are doing anything wrong!

BTW, my ds isn't really smiling properly yet either.

One last thought, do you think you might be a little bit depressed?

Have you spoken to your hv about this? How supportive is your dp and how does he help you with the children? Do you have any friends/ family locally who could come in and help you out.
You have a newborn and need help from people around you- don't be ashamed to ask. Your not superwoman, no one is.
Sending unmumsnetty (((hugs))) to you

DD1 does cuddle and kiss DD2 the whole time, but I am worried that she's doing it for my benefit. Today she said that she doesn't like DD2 but she does love her.

I don't particularly think I am depressed really, but then I don't know where the dividing line is between feeling sad and feeling depressed. I'm coping and still doing stuff, so I don't think it counts as depression iykwim.

It's not so much that I think DD2 is going to suffer from lack of attention, as that I don't think I am as in love with her as I was with DD1, so maybe I am suffering from her lack of attention if that makes sense?

Please don't worry, 6 weeks is early days and its normal for everyone to have to readjust! I've got a 5 yo a 4 yo and a 7 week old, and I think a certain amount of guilt that one or other of them is being neglected is normal.

Can't really offer much practical advice, other than to say that your youngest is still so tiny its not surprising she is still unsettled. But then I've never been great at routines myself, my ds3 is in a sling all day too. I did the same when ds2 was born - it does get easier, I promise. I think that knowledge is what is getting me through the tough times this time round!

Can you speak to a sympathetic HV or someone about this?

Poor DH has just started a new job, so although he is supportive he is not really able to do that much. And it will get worse as his hours get longer, too... It's hard to know what help to ask from people really.

Sometimes the tiredness and the stress of having a newborn really clouds your feelings. I'm sure that you do love your dd2 as much as you love your dd1, but tiredness is just clouding that euphoria and making it difficult to feel that love. And of course if you are depressed, that maybe effecting how you are feeling as well.

I wouldn't worry too much about what your dd1 says about not liking the new baby, it's a big adjustment for her as well.

I would type more, but I have to see to ds, you know how it is

If its any help I have ds 2.6 and dd 8mo (and another one the way...) and until dd started to properly wear herself out I dreaded bedtime. It was my personal hell.

Dd was at the stage when 7oclock bedtime suited her this was also ds's bedtime. So I would feed and cuddle on the sofa and take them both up. She would cry because she was put in her cot and not attached to me but I had to get ds to sleep otherwise he would go manic and I couldn't do that as she was screaming!!!

Now tho things have reached a balance. She goes to bed at 6, rarely cries when she is put in her cot but if she does she doesn't wake anyone or get disturbed by anyone and ds goes up at 7.

The early days are the hardest but I don't think you should beat yourself up about not feeling the same easiness you felt with dd1. I was compring teh differences of having two with dh the other day we cpncluded that when you have 1 and they wake up in the night and want a cuddle you go "oh look he's awake again !" with number 2 and they wake up in the night you think "Oh god I can't handle anymore today!".

Good luck with it all

oh god the spelling mistakes......

I have the same age gap and it is very hard at first. Id your dd in preschool? Getting out for a bit might do her (and you!) the world of good. My ds was exactly the same as your baby and I also carried him in a sling. It is very hard to deal with a new baby anyway without all the added guilt of the disruption to your pfb.My ds is 23 weeks now and we have a pretty good routine now. We all get int he bath together and then put dd to bed, sit on her bed and read a story and then I go and feed ds to sleep in my bed (we cosleep) then get up and do the rest of my jobs (but tbh at 6 weeks postnatal I probably went to sleep with him straightaway.) Be kind to yourself. My dd was unsure of the baby at first too but even after barely 5 months the love they have for each other is clear to see and makes it all worth it

It WILL get better I promise!

It feels terrible at the start and such a contrast to 1st time around. My two were closer in age (2 & a bit years) and DS2 had terrible reflux but we got through it and it is great to see them play now.

Can anyone "take" DD1 off your hands for a bit (my childminder had DS1 1/2 days for ex.) for the 1st 3 months.

I remember feeling a bit like this at 6wks with my second. She was colicky, so just screamed from 6.30 (on the dot!) every night, just as I was trying to settle my 3 yr old down, and was at the end of my energy after running round after two of them all day. I didn't rest, as if the baby was asleep I'd be tidying up or giving the older child attention.

But I always think things do settle a bit after 6 weeks, then by 12 weeks things have usually fallen into more of a pattern, everyone is used to everyone else.

But 6 weeks is so, so early, and it does get better - millions of women handle two kids, have plenty of love for them and really enjoy them. But I honestly think the vast majority feel exactly like you for the first few weeks and months. It is bloody hard work! And you are still recovering, physically and emotionally, from the pregnancy and birth.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, put your feet up when you can, and remember it will get easier - this is the toughest part. And your older child will benefit enormously from having a sibling, so don't feel guilty about it: they are very adaptable!

Hi OhwhathaveIdone

You sound like I did after DS2, I found I was in a bit of a state feeling guilty all round. I realised after a bit that I was getting depressed. I was crying a lot and worried I didnt love DS2 as much as DS1. (TBH I probably didnt at that point, I was a bit gutted he wasnt a girl ). Eventually I told my HV is was excellent, and I found after talking to a few friends I got a lot better (it felt like my head was going to explode with guilt)

If you want my honest opinion it sounds as if you may have PND. The bit that rang alarm bells was that you think your little girl might be 'pretending' to be affectionate. I thought this about my DH. As he kept saying how beuatiful DS2 was were I thought he was a bit ugly (he wasn't as the photos now show me).

Anyway after I started feeling better I realised that he wouldn't have the same attention as DS1, but would have his brothers attention and that would be better. As a second child myself who felt I had a lovely childhood it did me no harm, in fact I enjoyed the relative freedom.

He won't know that he isn't having the same amount of attention but he will know he is loved. Your DD is obviously adjusting well as she is being affectionate and that is a brilliant sign.

I wouldnt leave your little one to scream, DS2 did this when tiny, he wanted to be in a sling all the time, but by 6 months refused to sleep in our bed (still prefers his own cot!)

My two sleep very well now (3 and 18 months) and my sleep philosophy is always, try and let them fall asleep as often as you can on their own, might not work everytime but as long as it is sometimes then you know they can.

(I had to resort to controlled crying with DS1 when he went from sleeping through to waking up every 1 hour for over two months)

I also resorted to a dummy with ds2 though I said I never would, and it was the best thing ever, meant he would sleep on his own.

Bedtime when you are on your own is deffo the worst bit, my DH works shifts so I did struggle with it.

Got to go so cant read read so apologise for mistakes but please tell someone in RL you are struggling, just about all of my friends did at some point with their second.

and it does get better, I now ADORE both my boys the same, DS2 is lovely and beautiful and we are planning DC3 ! xxx

I was very lucky for the first few weeks in having an army of help, but after that, my approach was kind of opposite to what you've been trying: Ds2 was attachment parented far more than the other two kids. My logic was that I only had two hands, and eyes only on the front of my head. Hence by having the baby in the sling almost all the time for the first few months, I didn't need to 'think' about him, and I had two free hands for doing whatever my older children needed. There was a certain 'out of sight out of mind' aspect to a sling, versus a 'babe in arms' which is visibly distracting mum. Likewise cosleeping - since 'nap when the baby naps' doesn't really work, I couldn't afford to lose more sleep than I had to. So the baby kind of hung out with me and Dh in the evenings, drifting off on someones chest, decanted for a few hours to crib, then back in with me as soon as he woke up.

Ds1 (my second child) - I was similar to you, in that I placed a high priority on getting him in a routine. I achived it at about 3.5 months. The thing was, though, it was ruddy impossible to 'work' on developing a routine with another kid about. I ended up staying with my mum over a long weekend, and spending the whole three days shushing and patting Ds. At home on my own with Dd, her demands kept undoing or unwittingly sabotaging whatever I was doing with Ds (so if he was drifting off, she;d shout, or if I was busy patting she' fall over and need me... don't even talk to me about the awful screamy fiasco that was trying to get Ds to sleep in his buggy by pushing it around the hall and leaving him for extended intervals)...

Hang in there. Two kids gets a lot better when the baby can sit in his bumbo, It's like as soon as they're upright something clicks in the older childs brain, and they start associating and bonding with the baby. Ds1 (2 y.o.) can't get enough of the fact that Ds2 (5months) now grabs onto things. He's endlessly bringing him toys. So cute.

This is the hardest time when they are tiny and you arent sleeping well yourself so everything feels worse. You will be fine and it does get better. I was in this position this time last year with my dd3 (now 13 months. )I felt that I had done the wrong thing by having her as I was always busy with her, always bad tempered with the other 2 dcs and that her crying would wake my ds who had school the next day etc...When I had my middle child I also felt the same.....now she is the light of my life! Similarly now the baby is becoming her own person and all I m trying to say is dont be so hard on yourself, it is very early days yet. Your dd1 will also be absolutely fine! Everything you are feeling is normal this is just one phase and it will get better - sorry bit long winded.

thank you, you are all lovely people

I'm really encouraged to hear that this is the toughest part. I hope it's true. If it is, then I'll be OK - I can do this bit, it's just that I don't think I'm enjoying it. If it gets easier, maybe I will start to enjoy it as well as just coping with it. I suppose it's a bit like labour, when you're not sure how much worse it's likely to get and so don't know whether you're going to be able to hack it!

You are going through the worst part right now, and it WILL only get better. This evening I was sitting in the kitchen with DD1 (2.5yrs) and DD2 (7mths). DD2 was chewing away on some toys while DD1 and I did PlayDoh. DD2 was giggling at DD1 who was waving PlayDoh sausages around. It suddenly struck me how far we had come in just a few short months.

I will admit that DD2 was a very easy baby from the start - DD1 was a total nightmare and it took me a long time to fall in love with her. However, these nice moments are only a few months off.

you are very tired and hormonal. give yourself time and more time to bond with your new baby, to get to know her, to find a new rythm for your family. Slings are really a godsend and they totally come into their own wiht a second baby- you are doing the right thing in wearing her all the time. dd2 needed to be held all the time until 2-3 months and she lived in the sling. she doesnt anymore and she's 6 and a half months. do whatever it takes to make your life easier- do not feel you have to teach her to fall asleep on her own as such a young age. that will come, i promise.

i had v similar feelings as dd1 also a crap sleeper and someone on here gave me a great advice- remember dd2 is not dd1, even if you do everything the same she will be a totally different baby and will behave totally differently.

i personally found that things got a bit harder around the 4 month mark, but then i had a horrid time with dd1 as a baby and i was in a staet of total adoration when dd2 was a newborn. but things getting easier now as the horrible jealousy (from dd1) has improved lots and dd2 is no longer the fragile hapless newborn that needed me every breathing second.

one day you will realize that a three-way bond is even stronger, in each direction, than the bond you had with dd1 and you will be delighted (and exhausted!) at your beautiful family.

good luck!

no

Hello. I have a similar age gap between my DD who just turned 4 and my DS who is 8 months old. Just wanted to echo that you are in the hardest bit right now and it gets better very quickly. I was amazed how early DS became attached to DD, I would say that she is his absolute favourite person. From not much later than you are now, he started to watch everything she did and smile at her. I delayed having no.2 for quite a while because I felt DD & I had such a good relationship. In fact, DS has just made her family bigger and there seems to be more love to go around.

Sounds a bit soppy but its true. I think 6 weeks is the worst bit of all, just before they start smiling. Be gentle on yourself, it will get better so quickly.