Help me understand my pnd...please?

[peppapighastakenovermylife]

I have name changed for this as am so down and ashamed.

When Ds was born 2.5 years ago I had bad pnd. I loved him very much but he was a difficult baby who would not be put down. He didnt sleep much, grizzled all the time and was generally a demanding baby. I had a rough birth, things with DH were not good, other issues going on, shock of being a mum for the first time...I understood why I had pnd.

I took medication and worked very very hard to get better. It took around a year. I wanted more children but desperately didnt want pnd again. I tried to prepare myself, did what I could...hired a doula, talked about my feelings a lot. I had a wonderful home birth.

I still got pnd again though. For me it seems to be a biological reaction. Im sick for 9 months of pregnancy then sob uncontrollably once Im not. It hits on day 2 and just never goes away.

I started taking anti d's when DD was a week old and I started to get a bit better but things seem to be going down hill again. I have horrendous guilt that keeps me awake at night that Im an awful mother and my children dont deserve me. I feel like im followed around by this uncontrollable deep sadness and tear are always ready. I get panic attacks and sometimes cry in public. I find it hard to sleep and always feel very tired. Life seems very hopeleses and I think how easy it would be not to be here any more - but I love my children desperately and would never do anything.

I feel so guilty feeling like this though. I love my children desperately. DD is such a happy easy baby - sleeps well, feeds well, is content and happy. Rarely cries and never for no reason. I find DS very hard work but only because he is a very bouncy active toddler and other people seem to find him such a joy so it must be me. He is still going to nursery for part of most days as he enjoys it and I find it hard to cope with them both all day eveyr day and want that bonding time with DD. I feel absolutely terrible for this though.

I have a great hv, doula, dh and mw but ive pretended to them all that Im alright now. I felt so guilty after having such a lovely birth and lovely family that I got pnd again and talking to them about things just made me feel worse. My hv knows I am still suffering - I had a panic attack at clinic and started shaking and sobbing - and wants to come chat to me and drink tea. She is wonderful but I cant accept her help - the guilt and shame I feel for being such a useless mother are just exacerbated when I talk about it. I know deep down this is a symptom of my pnd but cant seem to fight it any more. None of my friends know - i am veyr good at putting a front on things whilst i fight the emotions. I feel very detached from everything and scared that no one can help me.

I dont know what to do any more and feel so lost. I love both my children and am really enjoying having a new baby again - the feelings seem separated from her if that makes any sense. I just cant get over this guilt that I am not good enough. Its not normal mother guilt - its over empowering.

Im sorry this is so long. I just dont know where to go from here. Im scared I will do something to harm myself in some wya (I woudl never ever ever ever ever harm one of my children).

Oh you poor thing, that sounds awful - it must be so draining for you. Are you still on the AD's? It might be that they are not the right ones and you need a change of prescription - could you go see your GP again and explain your feelings?

What about your partner? Are you able to confide in them how down you are feeling ATM?

PND is a horrible thing - I think you are amazing to hang in there and ask for help. Hang on in there, I'm sure other people will come along with much better advice, but in the meantime have some [hugs

cbx

There was also some really good advice on this thread about coping with pnd.

look here

cbx

Hello peppa.

Well done at letting this out. It must have been hard as you have been bottling this up for so long. Have you tried confiding on any of your friends? You might find that they are going through it/have gone through it too (that's certainly what I found when I finally admitted it over a bottle of wine with some buddies. Turned out most of us had had pnd at one time or another). I found the support of friends and family invaluable when I was suffering, and they weren't judgy in the slightest (which is what worried me before 'coming out').

Or if you can't face opening up to your friends, what about councelling? It may be easier to discuss how you are feeling with a stranger. Your hv will be able to point you in the right direction.

Also, I second what cb says - read the other thread and speak to your doc about your meds as you may need something stronger to help you get through this.

and I'm sure you'll get through this. You are NOT a useless mother as you wouldn't even be considering this as a problem if you were.

vf x

Thank you both. My gp has increased my dose today and Im hoping that helps. I cannot bear this guilt. My DS came up to me just before bed and said "i love you mummy" and I just sobbed as all I could think was I dont deserve you.

I know I should talk to people. My hv, dh, doula, friends that know (very few) keep wanting to help but I just cant let them - I feel like I should cope with this and get better and no one can help. Feel so detatched and like I dont want to bore them. I am hoping if things get better then I will be able to talk to people - right now it makes me feel worse as I feel like Im whining.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. It does help xxxx

I'm sorry you're feeling this way peppapig, and I hope your increase in anti-D's help. Please don't beat yourself up over being a bad mother, you sound lovely i realise it's just your illness making you feel like this, but really, I don't have pnd and only one child, but I have already made plans not to have another until dd is over 3 and in pre-school most mornings, just because I know I couldn't cope with 2 children and a distinct lack of sleep

If your son likes nursery then the most important thing for him is that he has a loving mummy who picks him up, which he does.

Please accept help from those who care, they will feel just as helpless as you watching you suffer and try to keep a lid on it. They won't think you're useless, or anything negative, they'll just be relieved to help you.

I hope it works out ok for you, we're always here if you want a chat.