socially anxious mother meets highly sociable child

[loupiots]

I just wondered how other parents deal with having a very different personality to your children.

My little boy (2.10) is a very social little animal. He will happily and insistently approach other children, try and get them to play with him, runs up and points saying "new my friend" indiscriminately to other adults or older children. I'm glad that he's confident, but struggle with it myself, sometimes.

I'm stupidly shy and socially clumsy and I find his behaviour almost frightens me. I don't understand it - that gregariousness. I was always that kid sitting in the corner with a book. I don't want to pass my anxieties on to him, but I sometimes dread the whole park experience where he's just off chatting away to perfect strangers.

I'm try to be a good mummy, but I really feel like I'm failing him on this.
Any advice? Please?

Not advice as such but sympathy, my DD especialy is very sociable and I hated hanging out in the park or outside the school, she would come bounding asking if such and such could come to play, I would never know what to do as I knew it would involve me making contact with the parent and actually arrangeing something , i am a bit crap at all that, now DD is old enough to sort out her own social life and I tend to farm her out for sleep overs and avoid having them at mine .

let him take the lead, try to relax, take a magazine or book with you.

I've been given a child that is very different to me personality-wise (thankfully for her!) so your op struck a chord.

I'm fairly introverted - happy in my own company - usually got my head stuck in a book. My dd is an all-singing, all-dancing people person.

She's forced me to become more sociable and I have met two good friends through her (I found it gets much easier once they go to school though - much less socially stressful than the dreaded mother and toddler groups - so there is light at the end of the tunnel!).

When you say:

I find his behaviour almost frightens me.
That is quite a strong statement ...

Can you analyse what in particular you find threatening? What is at the root of the fear?

Are you worried that you will be forced to interact with others or are you worried for his safety, or is it a combination of the two? Did you have a bad experience yourself as a child that contributed to you being socially anxious? Is ds your first child?

At the risk of sounding a bit precious, I think one of the most important gifts children give to us, is that they force us to look at ourselves honestly which can make us challenge who we are. They mirror back to us what they see. And it's not always an entirely pleasant experience but it's usually very educational!

That's not at all to say that you are doing anything wrong, from your op it's obvious you are a very concerned and doting parent, I'm just trying to say (rather badly!) that having a child who is different to us can be ultimately quite rewarding.

Could you talk to a counsellor about it or a health visitor or other trusted person?

Good luck. Your ds sounds really gorgeous.

"Can you analyse what in particular you find threatening? What is at the root of the fear?"

Personally, it's DS shouting "Hello, I'm DS and this is my daddy kevlarhead!" from my shoulders.

He seems quite proud of his daddy (feck knows why), but I could do without him broadcasting first names to random kids passing by with their parents.

I'm the same, but I try to take the positive view. If I have managed to bring my children up without passing on any of my own fears, then I've clearly done a good enough job.

Dd is now 12 and extremely sociable, but not naive or foolhardy. I was the child sitting sullenly in a corner, trying to tell myself that I was too clever to care that nobody liked me . She expects to be liked- and she generally is.

In some ways, life has been harder to her than to me, because she is physically disabled. In that context, I am extra grateful that there is something she has escaped. And that I have not compounded the problem by giving her my own social "disability" as well. Otherwise, she'd have ended up with a double burden.

Instead, she has been given precisely what she needs to deal with the hand fate has dealt her. And I find her very entertaining to watch.

DS does that telling everybody everything about us too - Hello everyone! I'm little loupiot! and this is my maman! and my papa! and we live in ! do you want to play with me?! come to my house! Now! Come! Let's play!

It's an interesting point - "frightened" is quite a strong word isn't it? I'm not sure. I think I'm loading my adult emotions on to his childlike behaviour, IFYKWIM. So, I worry for him - I hate the thought of him being rejected, I anticipate failure, (which is freaking ridiculous on my part) and I also panic at having to talk to other parents (what are they thinking of me?). Hmm - that's a heady mix, huh?

That's another good idea, I need to look at it from the other side - it's going to be easier for him in the long run not to be hamstrung by my anxieties.

Kevlarhead, AFAIU, it's not the root of your fear.
Random people will know your first name, so what? What is there about it? Is it about possible reaction from those random people and about what they will think about you?

Just ask yourself, what is the worst-case scenario, what is the most terrible thing that can happen after your DS shouts your name from your shoulders?

I could wrote your post myself.

I blush lots. It does get better. You will get used to it. My child engages with strangers telling them all about me and what is happening at that time in my life.

e.g

we have a new bedroom,

we have a new bath

mummy cut her finger and I was crying

we have a kitten and mummy is going to have lots of kittens

my mum bought me from Argos, where did you come from

your hands are wrinkly

why are you old?

My daddy knocked on bedroom wall and told me to go to sleep this morning

I don't like my other grandad

etc etc etc.

Nightmare.

I'm socially anxious, introverted and happy in my own company, in silence, doing something quiet, etc.
My DD is 10mo, and I don't yet know whether she's sociable or not as she's often afraid of strangers for now. But she's pretty active and requires a lot of interaction, which is something unnatural for me. And I get a lot of attention when out with a baby, when friendly strangers want to speak to her or to me.
So I'm trying hard to keep up. I got a book on overcoming social anxiety. And yes, it says you need to get to the root of your fear (by asking yourself what is the worst thing that can happen), understand why you fear particular situations/actions and then try going on a kind of controlled experiment to see whether your worst fears come true if you act in a way you are afraid to act or not.
It also helps to think "what would I do/think if someone else i know behaved with me in a way I'm afraid to behave".
And it helps to observe what other mothers do, how they interact with their babies and with each other.