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Mothers guilt ...

18 replies

HelloMama · 16/11/2008 19:37

I just want some opinions on whether this is normal or if I am letting everything get out of proportion. Just to put things into context, I work full time and my husband is a fantastic stay at home dad. This was kind of my choice, although a lot of it was to do with who had the better salary. My husband is very happy in his role.

We have 2 kids and my job is very demanding. When I come in from work I love seeing the children, but feel absolutely shattered and generally after getting them to bed (we do one child each!) I just want to sit down and do nothing. I also work one morning / afternoon at the weekend too (because we desperately need the money). I am currently feeling guilty all the time. I feel bad that I work full time (and a bit more). It always raises eyebrows that i work the hours I do with 2 young children and people always 'admire' my husband for what he does. I also feel that i often don't give work 100% because I am usually tired as we still normally get up once or twice in the night. We again, take this in turns as I appreciate it is also very difficult for my husband to get up in the night and then do a long day in the home with 2 very busy children.

I feel guilty when I get in late because I already don't see the children enough. I also feel guilty if I need to do anything extra for myself at other times that involve me popping into town or stopping off somewhere that again, involves me from being away from the home.

I now feel exhausted from feeling guilty all the time. I don't know how to break this cycle and I know most mums feel gulty for various things, but I just feel things are getting out of all proportion. Is this normal? Sometimes I just feel like I want to run away from everyone and everything and be my carefree 21 year old self again. I hate feeling like this.

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choufleur · 16/11/2008 19:42

don't really know what to say - i think we all feel overwhelming guilty about these types of thinsg some of the time but bumping for you

LaTrucha · 16/11/2008 19:42

I'm sorry you're feeling awful. I have no advice really, except to say I'm sure you're doing a great job. I find people often really praise a man for looking after children where it is seen as normal for a woman to do so. Sounds like you need a bit of the praise yourself, so WELL DONE YOU!

mumof2andabit · 16/11/2008 19:43

oh life sucks sometimes doesnt it. I cant completly empathise but when I was working and dh was not I felt so unsatisfied, guitly everything you have expressed. In our situation it is because I have always only wanted to be a sahm. If you are feeling really unhappy perhaps you need to talk to your dh see how he feels, he may feel as unsettled as you do.

Sorry I havnt helped but wanted to say something.

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HelloMama · 16/11/2008 19:51

Thanks for your comments. I think part of it is that I am pretty tired as both children have been poorly and therefore up the majority of the night. I know when I'm tired I lose perspective! My husband is happy and feels quite happy to go off for an afternoon or morning at the weekend doing his own thing (which I encourage, and feel is v. important). Why can't I give myself some slack too?

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SpinningEm · 16/11/2008 19:58

TBH in my house it's the other way round & maybe even worse for our 3dd's - my DH is the main earner - he leaves the house at 5.30am & returns anytime between 6.30pm - 7.30pm. I work 25 hours a week cos we also need the money & TBH that tires me out enoguh so I know how tired you must be feeling. As my DH works such long hrs I have to do all the feeding & bedtime routines myself on top of the 25hrs work I do & also all the house chorse. Lifes not easy whatever option you choose. Just try & be happy & make the most of it!!

HelloMama · 16/11/2008 20:02

I am just glad to hear I'm not the only one!

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lingle · 16/11/2008 21:00

when you go back to work full time you think that every night you'll walk in the door and pick your little darling and COMMUNE till bedtime don't you? But it doesn't work like that. Sounds like the kids have a good stable family life. Also sounds like you know the answer which is lose the guilt! you're doing great!

having said that, I'm now freelance and my goodness it's easier....

LaTrucha · 17/11/2008 10:53

I thought you might like to know that dad's suffer from it too, as I found out this morning. DH woke up saying, angrily, that he would hav to stay at work later and help with the baby less. When I objected that I don't ask him to do half the things he does he paused for a moment and said, 'I'm trying to tell myself.' Then started to play with the baby, telling she was a poor baby and she needed him for more than an hour a day.

Truly conflicted, brilliant at his job, brilliant dad, brilliant husband. Sure you're brilliant at these things too.

Acinonyx · 17/11/2008 11:53

Dh works FT longish hours and I am a postgrad student 3/4 days week. We have divided the night time duty up so that I do any calls from 11 pm to 6 am then dh takes over as he has to get up 7-7.30 anyway. Perhps it would help to have clear ringfenced sleeping tiems? There's no point in both of you getting up all through the night. Tiredness is one of our biggest issues.

phraedd · 17/11/2008 14:41

being a mum means that you will feel guilty over everything

I choose my hours so that i work a lot of nights (self employed night nanny / maternity nanny /doula). This means that i am around before and after school to see the children and i can get some sleep whilst they are at school.

I get to see almost every show and assembly that the children are in but i still feel guilty about working as i am tired and sometimes a little grumpy.

When each of my children were little, i took a year out of work and that too made me feel guilty as i then didn't have the money to buy them anything.

As a mum - no matter whatr you do, you will feel guilty!

HelloMama · 19/11/2008 20:53

Thanks for all your kind responses. Have had better sleep over the last few nights so am feeling a little more rational and maybe (slightly) less guilty, although this does change from day to day!

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Boyswillbeboys · 20/11/2008 12:06

I'm sorry you are feeling low, I think all parents feel guilty about some aspect of their parenting and we always want to do our best, so don't beat yourself up! It's great that your DH is a fab SAHD and that he has some time for himself at the weekend, but please make sure that you do too! (Even if it's only that he takes the DCs out for a couple of hours and you go to bed!!). In our house the roles are the opposite of yours, I stay at home and my DH works very long hours, out of the house by 7.30 and home by 7pm if I'm lucky. He often has dinners etc after work and completely misses children's bedtimes. When he's home on time, he puts the DCs to bed, but other than that I do everything around the house. You are perfectly entitled to not want to do anything in the evenings and if I was your DH I wouldn't expect you to . I am sure life will not always be this hard for you, so try to make the most of small pleasures

BlueCowStillWondering · 20/11/2008 12:12

as phraedd says, it's all about guilt, no matter what choices you've made. I don't want to make light of your feelings, but do make time for yourself to read the novel 'I don't know how she does it' by Alison Pearson. Seems to sum it all up

saythatagain · 20/11/2008 12:12

Its crap isn't it HelloMama?
It's like being between a rock and a hard place/a no-win situation. I good friend of mine told me just after dd was born(she is now 4.5) - "you do what you need to do to get by". That all we can do.

BayeauxT · 20/11/2008 13:10

HelloMama, I was weirdly glad to read your thread, to know I'm not alone either! Also work FT with husband at home, also a demanding job with long hours... also find it very difficult to set aside 'me time'... I don't know if you also have this, but I really put a lot of store by weekends - a lot of pressure to have a WONDERFUL time with DD, and when it doesn't work out I feel crap...

I am thinking of moving much closer to work (renting atm so should be do-able) - that way I could pop home for lunch when possible and so feel I am just around a bit more... Still to implement that plan however!

wideratthehips · 20/11/2008 13:58

well done you for managing to keep it together. this is a bit like my husband who works long hours and at least half a day/full day at weekend. he feels terribly guilty and says he wants to give the best to both (career/family) but worries he cant do it. the children are desperate to see him and practically knock him over in their eagerness to see him. he too is exhausted and once he has left work and his brain starts to unwind he says he doesn't have the energy to do all the mad things the kids want.

if money is tight would it be possible for your husband to do something at the weekend allowing you to have time at home and a decent break from your work place?

LoveMyGirls · 20/11/2008 14:12

I have to work full time too so I thought the best thing to do would be to become a childminder I naievely thought this would eliminate my guilt how wrong was I! I honestly think no matter what you do as a mum you always have something to feel guilty about.

I'm here all the time my life is dedicated to my children (and of course others peoples children) yet I still feel guilty.....
Guilty because I'm 10mins late to get to my dd1's school everyday (because I need to do another school run before this, can't financially afford not to) she is 9 and waits in the office and is fine but I still feel the guilt and there are lots of other times I feel guilt too. Guilty because I'm at home yet I send dd2 to nursery for 3 afternoons a week (to help with her development because she was ready to mix with her own age group)

Guilty for wanting to do anything for myself, guilty when I send dd's to grandparents for the day so I can try to catch up on my paperwork.

I bet my mum felt guilty too but I never noticed it growing up so I'm sure our children will grow up just fine.

Think it is part of the job description.....

HelloMama · 21/11/2008 21:26

It is really nice to hear other peoples perspectives on this, from both sides of the coin. Thank you to everyone who has posted so far, it is making me feel a bit more 'normal' lol! I think what is difficult for me is that I don't get to mix that much with other parents of young children (because I am always at work!) so I miss out from the camaradarie of moaning about broken nights, feeling tired, guilty etc. I think thats what kept me sane when I was on maternity leave, and when at home with my older DS. Its good chatting with others, looking at their tired faces and knowing I wasn't the only one!

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