Hi Willow, you're really struggling on this one, aren't you?
Not sure if it's of any help but - the way I parent my kids is quite different to the way my mum parented me, and I have to say that a lot of that is because I grew up thinking "no way will I do that to my kids"! I am very protective of their self-esteem (because mine was constantly run down), and teaching them to be proud of who they are rather than just changing to fit in with everyone else. I don't shout at them or send them to their rooms, refuse them puddings if they don't finish their main meal, and spend a lot of time talking to them and being with them. We also praise them a lot and celebrate their achievements. My mum never did these things with me. They are 6 and 7 btw.
Interestingly though, my mum is most impressed with the way dh and I parent our kids and feels we make a far better job of it than she did! I have to be very careful not to hurt her feelings about our upbringing, as she often asks me if she was a good mother to me. tbh I think she left me with a lot of problems, particularly with self-esteem, but I really don't think that me telling her that would do any good! Looking back I am sure that she suffered undiagnosed PND, and was isolated and unhappy when we were small, which didn't help.
Anyway, she is a good grandma to my kids now (although I do have to watch how she tells them off as she can put them down without realising it), and really listens and takes on board how I deal with my two and tries very hard to fall in with my rules.
Waffle, waffle, waffle... if you can use any of this anonymously willow, feel free!