exhausting 11 year old girl ..reassurance welcome

[stuffitllama]

She's just kicked off, self-righteous as hell about some perceived injustice involving her brother, some chewing gum, a duvet, us, I don't know. She's shouting like mad, tears. Just closeted in her room with dh who is manfully being very very calm and quiet. Does this mean the teens are going to be ghastly? She's such a good girl, great in class (top at just about everything), team sports girl, sweet to and with her friends. Homework all done, an assiduous and conscientious student. But sometimes so HORRIBLE. Is this normal, is it something I've done wrong. Could she still be upset by a move four months ago? I don't know. Any experience or reassurance welcome.

Dh now left the room. All I can hear is "I HATE YOU I HATE THIS FAMILY" screaming literally screaming. I don't know what to do.

It's not like we've done anything to trigger it. It's come from nowhere. I don't know how to help her.

hormones?

it's crossed my mind though she hasn't started and it's not once a month

can it be all over the place at first and before they start? she seems intensely frustrated and misunderstood and unexpectedly vehement

She'll be fine when she's calmed down. Talk to her then.

Has she just moved up to secondary school?

Could you ask her to write down what is bothering her?

Less confrontational but might still get you attitude.

I would say hormone up and downs tho as well as precieved teenage injustice

a calm attitude from you might make her calm down

I have had this with my DD since she was 11. Having spoken to her friends mothers, I know I am not alone. DD is either as sweet as sugar or in full "It's sooooo unfaaaiiir!!!" mode. Don't worry, this will pass. Till the next time.....

Thanks so much. I appreciate the reassurance Katie. Yes Juule she's just started escondardy AND moved house so we know it's a big deal, and we try to stay as calm as possible, well we DO stay calm, but it goes as you say kaite form sweet as sugar to raging torrent.

Thanks for the writing down idea Mat, I've done it today. Great idea. There was a lot of "it's so unfair" stuff, but the most telling thing was that she feels we ignore her school achievements and focus totally on the boys who need more help academically. A bit like teachers giving all the stickers to the naughty kids when they are a wee bit good and not rewarding the ones who are good all the time without being asked.

I can't believe we've been doing this, but I think she's right and I just couldn't see it. Shame on us. Anyway it's something we can work on.

Thanks again.

StuffIt could you have an acheivement board, where DD and DS's can have positive things at home and school noted down so she can see her things are as important?

Could close friends and family make a comment so she feels happier?

yes I'm afriad she is blossoming into a teenager.

I'm afraid you've just got to ride the storm. Its irrational, unpredictable, OTT, and over emotional. Climb aboard, its fun!!!!!

Honestly Stuffit, I do think this is normal. The onset of puberty etc. The tantrums aren't confined to monthly hormone rushes either.

My DD is ten going on eleven and is just the same. She too is clever and sporty and conscientious at school, but a complete nightmare at home. She too rants about perceived injustices regarding her brother (this weekend's rant was the fact that I had bought him two packs of match attack trading cards and only a chocolate bar for her).

I think it's normal. Unfortunately I think it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Good luck. HTH

I think you've got to get the balance right though between what behaviour you are prepared to accept as part of adolescence and what is just plain rude. And be consistent in this.

thanks so much again.. the reassurance is most welcome .. I know my dd's best friend acts up sometimes, but I can't imagine it's as bad as this and am too afraid to ask the mother tbh

The balance is difficult mrs maid. I find it hard because my daughter and my sons have such different levels of "normal" behaviour. For example for my dd not to do her homework would be a sign of great rebellion whereas for ds1 it would be astonishing if he did it without a huge amount of pressure and argument. Just musing now.

I love the achievement chart but I'm really disorganised and it's the sort of thing I fail miserably at. I've tried it a number of times and am so bad at it that it can cause even more upset. I really have tried hard too because I know they are effective.

StuffIt are the DC old enought to write on it?

Could it be part if the evening meal/bedtime prep?

Maybe post it notes on bedroom mirror rather than a board?

I'm not sure I would manage it well. But I like the post-its. Maybe I could give her a pack, and ask her to write down any cmplaints and stick on the fridge or my mirror.

Stuffit, as well as giving dd a pack, could you keep a pack yourself, and put one somewhere in dds room after she has gone to bed, with a well done or thank-you message on it, so it is the first thing she sees on a morning? Even a simple 'thank you for taking the bins out' or 'well done on getting your homework finished'. She will feel more valued, and less left out if she knows you are noticing things (Im not saying she is left out or undervalued, but perception is more real than reality IYSWIM)

Have you pointed out to her that the boys need more help academically than she does?
Point out to her the times when you have helped her out. Let her know that you are there if she ever needs help and tell her you are proud of her achievements and how it's good for her that she can do things under her own steam.

Unfortunately, our experience has been that when our children moved up to secondary school their behaviour at home deteriorated to varying degrees. I think that the change to secondary is quite a challenge to a lot of children and the strain is compounded by the fluctuations in hormones. We tried to help by staying calm but pointing out what we considered to be unreasonable - usually once the storm had passed. In the main our teens agreed they were out of order and said they would try to calm down in future.
They do seem to grow through the acute stage but need constant reminding of what is reasonable or unreasonable behaviour.

Maybe try to include her more in things that you are doing. Ask her opinions on things. If she storms off to her room, let her be by herself for a while but let her know that when she's ready you'll be there if she wants to talk. Give her a chance to calm down.
It can be a difficult time.

Thanks Juule, I do ask her opinion but am obviously not getting my response right. I think the problem is that we're not used to it from her. We've fallen into that classic trap haven't we. Not enough attention for good behaviour.

It is deep breath time with her at least four times a week at the moment and handling things productively is really testing me.

I am going to buy TWO packs of post-its LRB. Hadn't thought of that.

You can get shaped ones, heart/star/arrow.

hormones

I'd leave her for a bit. Go up when she's quiet, just pop you r head in, offer a hug, tell her you love her. wouldn't try to talk through the irrational myself, unless she wants to

Agree with hormone theory! I have seen 2 of dh's nieces go through this and once they started their periods things were much easier.

A friend of mine with DD of 11/12 (Yr 8) and a DS of 6 takes the DD for coffee once a week while the DS is in his after-school club. DD loves it - time alone with mummy, who's not distracted by anything else because they're out of the house. Friend says they don't talk about anything significant most of the time, it's the one on one time that DD craves.

Is this an option? Particularly if she just has brothers - she might value some 'girl' time.

You are all so kind to reply. Very interesting that it might stop when periods start, I hadn't thought of that. I used to do the one on one time out of the house but let it slide. I should start it again, I can see how she would enjoy it. Off to suggest it now.

I am so grateful to read that I am not the only one with a hormonal eleven year old. Since starting secondary school my daughter has gone from being a polite and helpful girl to a stroppy 'teenager'. I'm the one suffering as i hope it won't last until she's 16!?
My poor mum suffered with me when I was a teenager but my daughter seems to have started even younger.