Can anyone give me some honest, constructive advice on how to deal with this family problem?

[CrushWithEyeliner]

I thought about putting this in Step parenting but when you read my dilemma you will see it is not straightforward so I am not sure. Here goes...

DH has 2 DC from previous marriage. The spilt was very abrupt and both parents met new partners and married v quickly so lots of upheaval for them. I was v young and getting to know them and connecting with them was hard on both sides so I admit I did feel out of my depth and found myself disconnecting with them.
After a few years of trying everything in my capability to include them and welcome them into my heart (the only way to put it really), I felt like I had to back off a little and just accept that they were never going to like me. I have never said a cross word to them under really difficult circumstances and lots of insults.
After I had DD just over 2 yrs ago things got even more distant. They are 13 and 17 btw. At first they were really excited about having a little sis but later I found out through their Mother in a usual moment of venom to DH, they criticised my behaviour and said I would not let them hold the baby, and other lies they must have fed back. I suffered from PND and was in a bad way I may have handled things badly but would never shut them out like that. I was in shock.
After seeking advice on here I just let it go and concentrated on my DD. DH has always maintained close contact and has always paid maintainance. They live 3 hours train journey away.

Anyway as it stands they really don't have anything to do with DD. Things are "civilised" and we are all nice on the surface but I can tell they hate me. DD is a baby and is not even aware of who they are, but as time goes on I wonder how I should explain things to her. Do you think they won't want to know her? They show no affection or interest, DSS is more forthcoming but DSD really seems like she doesn't want to know. Is it because they dislike me and see DD as an extension of that? Do you think this may change? and when DD gets old enough to understand that she has siblings how am I going to explain that they don't like her because I really feel that is going to be the case and it makes me really .

as she gets older they will like her more I am sure. They are not interested because she is a baby and is an extension of you (whom they don't like) at the moment.

Hopefully they are not allowed to be rude to you in your house?

They may or may not come round to you - but you have been as sensitive as you can be so try not to be harsh with yourself. It sounds like their mother did a really good number on you (god knows why since she found someone else quick too).

good luck - just be as open and welcoming as you've always been

I have two DSSs (13 and 11) and a DD (4). The DSSs' mother is not a maternal sort. I am.

I am lucky because we all get on very well, the DSSs adore their little sister and vice versa and I have a good relationship with the boys. But it really is a lot of luck and circumstance.

Please don't pay any attention to words that have supposedly been said in criticism of you behind your back. My DSSs criticise their mother at this house and undoubtedly criticise me and their father at their mother's house. Think little of it and say nothing. That is the way of the world.

Is it your DD who is 13 and your DSS who is 17? It is quite normal that a DSS would be more enamoured of a little half-sister than a DSD.

I agree that as they get older things will be more level emotionally.

At the moment they are both teenagers whose parents have had an abrupt split, and both quickly found new partners.

I think when DD is older, you should continue being sensitive towards your step kids when you explain things, by simply saying they are sad they don't see as much of their dad as your dd does.

You sound very caring, and I think you should just continue not biting (believe me I know how hard this can be), and continuing to show kindness and resepct to everyone involved. As the kids get older they will eventually mellow I promise!

It may be just because (a) they are teenagers and (b) they don't live with you.

When my DD2 was born 20 months ago my other DCs were 15.5 to 21. DD1 is the eldest and had moved out. DS1 was at uni.

DS1 is still not good with DD2 because he didn't live with her when she was tiny. He won't ever look after her. The other two will have her all the time.

Thanks all - I suppose there is SOME hope they will feel for her as time goes on. I still haven't a clue how I explain it to her once she gets older though?

LFC no they are not rude to my face anymore and haven't been since they were kids. I don't know what they say behind closed doors though...

You've said that their parents split very suddenly. Were you involved in that?