How to discipline a child who doesn't care?

[elephantwellyphant]

So, ds is almost 3 and for the majority of the time he's a joy. However, he has moments of terror when he'll be defiant, throw things, hit out etc. I struggle to know how to deal with this behaviour. If I take a toy away, he doesn't care; being told off doesn't bother him in the slightest. I picked him up from nursery today to be told that he'd bitten his friend. I asked how he reacted to being disciplined (time out, stern talking to) and the carer said 'he just didn't seem bothered', which is what I've always found. There's just no reaction from him at all.

I find myself being envious of friends whose children cry when they're told off. It's not that I want to make him cry, I just want him to react somehow.

We're currently doing the pasta jar reward system, so he got some pasta in his sad jar for biting today, but he didn't seem bothered.

Anyone else have similar sounding children?

What reaction are you looking for?

If he does his time out/punishment happily then isn't that a good thing - that he accepts the consequences of his behaviour ?

I think I want him to be upset if he's told off for doing wrong, but I don't really know why. He tends to just look around the room in a 'what's the big deal?' type of way. I suppose I'm concerned that if he doesn't seem bothered by the consequences of his actions then what's to prevent future undesirable behaviour?

But he is bothered - he's learning and accepting the consequences

'future undesirable behaviour' - well, he's 3 so expect a lof of consequences and rewards oooh.......til he's about 18

Don't forget when time out/punishment is up for you to move on from it quickly to being 'up' and happy - that really promotes the consequences staying in the actual time given and teaches them to manage their feelings

I actually expected when I clicked on this to be about a teenager - where my answer would be that there is always something they care about, you just have to find it.

elephant - laurie has a point! Find something your ds cares about be it yoghurt for pudding, chocolate buttons, favourite book- it might work

Could he possibly be on the autistic spectrum - it is common for autistic kids to appear not to react when spoken to etc

My son has aspergers btw and frequently appears not to care - often laughs at me when I tell him off too! If I take his fave blanky away though I get a reaction

HTH

i do know what you mean, but agree with Laurie.. he is learning and accepting the consequences, even if he isn't showing any sign of being upset or whatever.

I am a bit UP in my approach to parenting, so we don't really do rewards/punishments, so I can't really comment on your situation I suppose.

If ds1 throws things or hits then the object gets removed and he has to go out of the room. I would just say to him that I can't have him in a room with me if he is going to throw things around because I might get hurt. He doesn't often react, but he usually asks to come back in and doesn't do any more hitting/throwing

what you have to think about is what you want them to gain/learn from the situation long term.. not what their immediate reaction will be

They said the same about my daughter at nursery - there is no way of sanctioning her. They tried everything - time out, star charts etc - she went from being delightful to diabolical overnight. It passed eventually she is now at school and 2 years on she is a delight...

Is his behaviour new ?

I'm trying the talk to your kids, so they listen thingy and feel I am not in a constant loop of threats/timeouts and having to follow through - this one I love it and feel that I have much more of an idea about how they must feel

I've seen that book recommended before, I think I'll get it.

I know you're all right. I don't need an immediate reaction from him. I tell him what he's done is wrong and he accepts it so from that point of view I guess he's perfect.

Maybe I'm looking for problems where there really aren't any!

My DS was like this at 3 - in the end I realised that what he really hated was being ignored/not getting attention. So from then if I he went off on one then I would tell him to stop, then when he didn't I would tell him that I wasn't going to speak to him again until he had stopped misbehaving. And then blank him totally until he came out of his red mist and we could talk sensibly.
This could take up to 45 mins initially but now at 5 usually only takes a couple of minutes.

Now he gets the concept of losing a toy etc, but back then I don't think he did. And my attention was the most important thing to him, so telling him off repeatedly etc was still attention.

We use 1-2-3 and an electronic naughty step. We were too late with our eldest but 3.5 year old daughter it works a treat. It worst case scenarios (very rare) and she refuses to sit she gets sent to her room, Turning out to be a lovely daughter. We start soon on our 2 year old son who is in need of boundaries...

www.amazon.co.uk/Gro-Group-Grobag%C2%AE-Time-Out-Pad/dp/B000T5PQL4/ref=sr_1_ 7?ie=UTF8&s=baby&qid=1226660681&sr=8-7

www.amazon.co.uk/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-C hildren/dp/1889140163/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1226660884&sr=1-1

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