Squabbling and how to stop it

[Numbat]

Help! Does anybody have any good ideas for managing squabbling siblings? I used to pat myself on the back (although even then I knew it might not last) about how well my three children got along, but lately the 11-year-old boy and his 8-year-old sister seem to be annoying each other every day. It really drives me nuts and I hate that picky, squabbling atmosphere in my home. The standard parenting-book advice seems to be that they do it because they're bored or to get my attention. Well that won't do: they already get lots of positive attention from me and while they are indeed bored sometimes I am not about to lay on 24-hour entertainment for them. Any other ideas?

Are they as bad when they are back at school? Do they both take equal parts in annoying each other, or starting the annoying behaviour? Is there anything they [would]enjoy doing together that might get them liking each other again? I have the squabbling - it's not what I had a family for!

Sorry - read HATE the squabbling - it drives me nuts

Separate them! I know its the opposite of Copper's advice. Maybe just for an hour or so to give them both space. Perhaps they are getting 'on top' of each other. Everyone needs time out now and again. The biggest cause of rows between me and my little sister was that she followed me about and interferred with my stuff.
If nothing else at least they cannot squabble then!

Hmm.. maybe I should make it a firm rule that at the first scream, they each go off to their rooms, and I can have a large gin in peace But it might be hard when we're getting ready to go to school! It's true, Copper, that the holidays have been the worst - I'm feeling a bit better now! - but there's still an awful lot of bickering going on that there didn't use to be. I'm trying to focus on positive interaction and comment when they're nice to each other. The hard part is not screeching right back at them when they start squabbling.

I can't believe this topic isn't pages long - does no-one else have problems with squabbling children? My 2 are 4.75 and 2 and although they can, and do, play together nicely, and they are both very caring about each other BUT when they fight they do fight. I know this is perfectly normal, and it's not so much the fact that they fight that bothers me, it's how I should react that I can't work out. Should I ignore it (while keeping an eye out to make sure it's not getting out of hand), and let them sort it out between themselves? Should I ignore it and try and distract them? Should I say "I don't care who started it, I'm stopping it" (a phrase that seemed so unfair when I was a child, but seems so "right" now!). Should I try and work out who's in the right, who's in the wrong and punish/chastise accordingly? I'd love to hear how you all deal with this, bearing in mind the youngest is still a bit too young to reason with on anything but the most basic level.
By the way, I'm talking about physical violence, as well as shouting/screaming etc...

message withdrawn

Emsiwill - it's hard isn't it? My boys are 2.5 and nearly 4.5. They play pretty well together now, to the extent that sometimes I feel left out. Six months ago they were squabbling constantly - they just hated to be together. However, they do still argue, and fight. I try as much as possible to ignore it and let them get on with it, and settle things between themselves. But I'm not sure if that is the best approach. I worry that the younger one will be rough with friends at playgroup, because he's used to 'dealing' with an older brother. But I don't like the idea that one of them will come whinging, whining, crying to me, and I will storm in and dispense justice. I want them to be able to get on without adults having to referee ... They are getting on infinitely better, so maybe it is working, but maybe it's just that they are older and verbal communication is better...

I do agree with Robinw that time apart is very important too. My eldest is now at nursery every afternoon, which gives them a break from each other.

I'm not yet in the position to offer advice, but it's a topic very close to my heart - I had a terrible relationship with my brother and still do, and desperately want my children - present and future - to get along, although I know of course that the road will not always be smooth.

I found the 2 books "Siblings without rivalry" and (terrrible title) "howe to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by I think Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish to have sensible advice.

I've only read them mind - not yet in a position to put thier words of wisdom into practise - but maybe worth a read.

I'm not sure ignoring it is the best policy. This is what my mother did - and still does - and I felt bullied and picked on and therefore not loved and supported throughout my entire childhood because she turned a blind eye on everything, although I accept our situation was a bit extreme.

I think time apart with as much one-to-one attention may be worth the hassle in the long run. Also - sorry if someone's already suggested it, or maybe with kids it's a dumb idea - like I said I'm not at that stage yet - but would it be worth sitting them down individually in private and asking them specifically why their sibling is getting on their nerves and asking them to help you find creative/proactiuve solutions - what they would like to do or what they think would make the situation better?

Good luck, I hope for your sake, and your childrens' that you find a way to improve the situation.

I'm not sure that asking children what annoys them about each other would solve anything. When I was a child the reason we fought was that I hated my brother. Now we're grown up we still don't get on, though we no longer fight, on the rare occasion we meet!

Yes, but Petal, there must be reasons why you hated your brother that it might help both of you to try and understand.

I absolutely don't mean to just sit a child down and say 'tell me what you don't like about your bro/sis" Of course not. But surely it's possible to be constructive, esp, as Numbat says this situation is worsened & isn't the norm. What about, why do you think you're squabbling moire at the moment? Is there anything that you can think of that would make it better? Maybe even ask what they DO like about their sibling? I don't know. Just trying to be constructive.
Maybe your relationship w. bro is so poor because no one did actually speak with (with not to) you about it & try and find ways of improving it for the sake of the whole family. I'm sure it would have helped in my case, if only to flag up to me that my parents actually noticed & cared that there was a problem