Why on earth did I do this? I feel dreadful!

[Pawslikepaddington]

We were very late getting up this morning for school-we just had time to get dressed and grab a slice of toast and run. Dd got up and started kicking up a massive fuss as she wanted her breakfast before she got dressed (i.e. she wanted to mess around and we had no time for that). So I said no, and started getting her dressed. She will only wear dresses as someone called her a tom boy a year ago, and she is STILL paranoid about it now (she is 4)-she will not even wear skirts.

She has been stuck in summer dresses with thermal vests underneath, which looks dreadful, so I bought her some new knitted ones on Saturday. She was with me, she liked them, I asked her again yesterday if she liked them before taking the tags off and sewing her name in, and she said yes. Today she went insane when I tried to put a (very pretty) beige one on her, as she didn't like the colour (she had pink tights and shoes, so there was enough pink there!) and was still screaming when we arrived at school 40 mins later. As a result she ended up being smacked, getting screamed at and having no breakfast as we ran out of time. My behaviour was totally out of order-I should not have screamed at her or smacked her, but I cannot buy in her narrow view of what she should be wearing and have reached my limit-most children have to wear a uniform (god I wish!) and I cannot be scouting around every single shop looking for a warm, pink dress with no stripes, no blue, no green, no this that and the other. She is 4, I try and get what she likes and do ask her opinion, but I shouldn't pander to her to that extreme should I? Dresses only already limits the choice considerably.

Well don't beat yourself up, you are only human BUT you should have stamped out the clothes nonsense ages ago. Tell her she can decide what to wear at the weekend but during the week she wears what you say.

Its awful when you are stressed and in a rush and your dc is playing up, and in hindsight you realise you dealt with it badly, but dont beat yourself up about it, have a chat with her later and explain why she got smacked and apologise to her, we all loose are temper, we wouldnt be human if we didnt

I had to put dd's summer dresses away out of sight to stop her demanding them. We do have clothing issues - but I also think you have already bent too far to accommodate dd. What sort of works here is that she chooses one of the items to start her outfit - say a pair of tights. Even that is tricky - but it's better than the all out melt downs that we were having over wanting to wear totally stupid things. Try to restrict her choice e.g. this or that.

It is SO stressful trying to get out on time in the morning. I admit I use TV bribery to get through the dressing/hair thing.

PS - Is that you? If so - how're you doing?

Well I'll never do it again, that's for sure-I could hardly bear to leave her at school I felt so bad, I kept looking through the window to check she was ok. Thank you both, and Carmenere, that is a really sensible thing to do, thank you.

He he, yes it is me! How are you? I can't believe your dd is old enough now to know what she wants to wear-we must catch up, please! The move put contacting people on the back burner but we're straight at last so meet ups are going to have to be arranged! Shall I email you? It will be so good to see you after my stupid silent period!

She chose her shoes and her tights, but she will have to wear beige at some point in her life so she needs to learn to get used to it-or at least to understanding there is some kind of dress code you have to adhere to.

My 4 yr old is exactly the same.

wailed at me the other morning 'but mummy, you don't understand. This is my body and my skin and I must be the judge!'

And... it is. My ds's weren't generally bothered, but she is. She doesn't wear what I'd choose, and I do tell her when it's my turn, but I keep those for days out with GPs.

had to ask myself why I care so much when she chooses some bizarro combo with wellies and fairy wings, think i need to get over worrying what other people think

I quite like the wellies and wings look (very Glastonbury!)

Seriously - my DD has been smacked twic in her lif - inexcatcly the same circumstances as you escribe - we were in a hurry and sh was refusing to wear something

Resolve no to resort to smacking again and try some other strategies

What worked with DD was laying out a few clothes option on the floor in the morning an saying, "which one do you want to wear today?" i.e. she could only choose from the vry limted choices I gave her. Worked a treat

Has she any ultra pretty tops/trousers? My loves her pink cords with hearts on the knees and long sleeve T shirts with assorted fairies on the front

Sounds like you had an awful start this morning.

That lethal combination of being pushed for time on a ghastly Monday morning and dealing with a tantrum to boot.

Clothes out the night before perhaps if dd is tricky in the mornings?

Oh, how I sympathise though. It's easy to have 20/20 hindsight isn't it? Onwards and upwards.

I had a pretty grotty start too. I hate Mondays (wasn't there a song about that?)

excuse typos - its the keyboard

I don't care really what she wears-she puts "normal" outfits together etc so it is never really an issue-you can never tell if I have dressed her of if she has, but will go to the supermarket in a cat outfit . However, I just don't want her freezing. She doesn't like wearing jumpers or cardies, and although she has e VERY thick coat she can hardly wear that indoors, so I had to put my foot down and it just exploded. I have a tendency to be a bit totalitarian if free choice isn't working though, and am worried I am Mum From Hell-I'm just so cross all the time if there is any kind of time stress on us.

ooh I had an aunt griselda! ! I sound like such a moody woman this morning, I'm so sorry! Lighten up woman! Will lay out two options the night before and if she doesn't like them then I pick-that is the rule from now on! I did threaten to make her go in her vest and undies if she didn't put the dress on-I even opened the door and shuffled her towards it-she was and got dressed while crying then! I just get so unreasonable when she pushes me, and I know I am at the time, but can't snap out of it for some reason. I say and do the stupidest things!

You are not mum from hell. Well if you are then lots of us will join you.

The bottom line is children have no concept of 'hurry up'. We go over this pretty regularly at chez Tsar too in varying volumes from me. I think 'hurry up, we'll be late' will be written on my headstone.

I used to explode much much more but in the end I realised it didn't get me anywhere. I still stress about it, but me exploding just makes it worse for me. Not them though because, trust me...somehow they don't hear it. They actually tune me out, I think.

Just keep her moving; shuffling out of the door is a good one. I have shuffled children many times. Keep conversation and options to a minimum. Less opportunity to argue then.

The aim is to get them there looking reasonably tidy and you know you have done well when they look uttlerly baffled as to how they actually got there.

He he he, I love that look from children a la "I was in bed a minute ago-how on earth did I get here? He he! It's all a learning curve isn't it? My outbursts are much fewer than they used to be, as I am learning they take up time we don't have, but still hate having them-tend to walk round muttering to myself instead

Muttering is ok. Muttering leads to holding whole conversations with yourself and then you know you have reached the zenith of insanity motherhood. Welcome to my world

Put thin clothes away in loft. Leave only clothes you want her to wear in her wardrobe and then tell her to choose what she wants to wear. If she demands something which isn't there, tell her it is in the washing machine or it has been given away because it doesn't fit her anymore. She chooses what to wear but from a choice set out by you.

Alternatively, she goes to school in her pjs. I've done that before and, believe me, it only happens once .

Aahh, my muttering currently comprises of "bloody child, who does she think she is, when I was her age, bloody hell look at that dust, what time is it? I'm starving-are we going to be late? Where is dd anyway, why isn't she next to me, oh yes, she won't get dressed, that child doesn't know she is born, when I was her age...." (and repeat). Not quite zenith material yet

Good idea re the thinny clothes-I think I just got mad because she had helped me choose them and then didn't like them, NOTHING like me, of course

Here is what worked for me:

Hide the clothes that are not suitable, out of site and reach.

Choose the following day's outfit the evening before and put it out ready.

Buy a kitchen timer and award a star/sticker/token if she gets dressed in the time you set (I bought a penguin one that made a squawking noise).

You are giving her far too much responsibility for a 4 year old - it is very easy to get sucked in. My dd was getting dangerously close to this point, and her bedroom was starting look like the january sales. Taking away the choices and rewarding co-operation worked, but it took a few days for the message to sink in. After a weeks worth of stars, she had a small toy or game as a reward.

Thankfully, school uniform solves a lot of problems. now she is very particular about wearing the correct uniform!

Do you think any of the above would work for you? I know every child is different.

I would second the 'if you don't put your trousers on this minute you'll be going out in just your pants - what will x / y / z say about that - your friends will laugh at you and you will get cold...' - also works with pjs, nothing etc!

'Getting cold' is clearly a thing to be avoided in the Mistlethrush household (not quite sure why as dh is still wearing sandals, although the shorts do seem to have been put away for the winter now ) and works every time - as does 'going outside in bare feet' - although ds does do this happily on his own quite regularly he doesn't seem to have linked this with the trying to get out of the house quickly with his shoes on event!

My DD is just like this - she has to be with me when I'm buying clothes for her as I won't risk spending money on something she'll point blank refuse to wear.

A long time ago when I realised how choosy she was I implemented a two choices policy - she can wear one or the other. If she complained about both I just repeated the choices, loudly and firmly.

And it's usually about cardigans and jumpers. She hates them too, and loves short sleeves. So the choice is short sleeve with a cardigan, or long sleeved jumper. She also likes skirts with no tights (not good in this weather) - so the choice is either trousers, or skirt with tights. One or the other, that's it.

She's really used to this approach now and is so much better behaved about it than she used to be.

DH seems to be able to get her to wear anything though. I must ask his secret.

My daughter when aged 3 spent an idea winter wearing a leopard print tunic belonging to an (adult) friend of mine, a woolly hat and pink wellies and NOTHING else. I gave up fighting - let them wear what they want and live with the consequences...they soon get the idea.

Drop me an email and we'll sort something out.

I can really remember being a little girl and feeling really stressed about what I was going to wear - so i'm reading this and sympathising with your DD!!

If someone has called her a Tomboy then maybe she is feeling a bit anxious about the whole thing - seriously i can still remember and older boy laughing at my socks at first school, I must have been about 6 and i was crushed!!

I think the idea of getting her to choose from a selection picked by you the night before will help, as not only will it ease the time issues for you but it should help with any pressure she might be feeling about how she looks too!

Mine's like the devil incarnate in the morning. I find it easier to discuss outfits the night before so they're all ready - then if there is an argurment it can be quickly quashed. But don't get me started on the winter coat choosing debacle......