Feeling like worlds worst mum - so upset

[reallyupsetbadmummy]

I've namechanged.

I had a massive row with DP this morning. He has been seeing rather more of his ex than I'd like and has now admitted to sleeping with her since early last month.

We've been together 10 years and have one little girl aged 3.

DP has stormed off and I'm sitting her in floods of tears. Poor DD doesn't know what to make of it all. I should be controlling myself in front of her and I jsut can't sotp crying. She knows something is wrong but doens't understand what. She was upset by the argument and I'm not being any good to her.

I've put the tweenies on nd given her a bag of sweets. Feel so appalled and shocked and not even looking after dd properly.

There are no nearby friends i feel I could ring up and leave dd with. Feeling so scared and isolated and dp won't answer phone. no prizes for guessing where he is.

It is hideous isn't it - no way are you being a bad mum, but he is being a pretty shit father - and as for her - well, words fail.

My eldest went through a pile of stuff with me and her dad, and it wasn't nice but you sometimes are put into such a horrendous position by these 'men' that you will lose control. If he was any kind of person, he would have seen you were upset, controlled himself and taken your little girl out of the way to allow you to be angry and upset, As it is, he is thinking of no-one but himself. What a loser.

Chin up, it will pass.

You are definitely not a bad mummy, love. If you were a bad mummy, you would not be worrying about your dd. My heart is bleeding for you right now, and I wish I could do more than just words.

If you lived near me, I'd be on my way in the car now to pick you and your dd up - my boys would play with her and watch her dvds with her and I could look after you - lots of tea/coffee, chocolate and hugs.

sunnygirl.

Are you still around? How are you?

piratecat is right about taking a dignified approach. i worry that on some threads mumsnetters try to make the op take a drastic course of action which might be instantly satisfying but doesn't help in the long run. save the nasty text from his ex, by all means, but don't respond to it because that's what she wants and it's not what you need.... which is time with dd, time to cry, time to get your head together and time to see if your partner is going to attempt a rapprochment and whether that's what you want.
really sorry to hear about your sad time and hope you manage to have a good blub and rant to some friends soon xx

You are not a bad mother. You have had a huge shock. A bit of TV is not going to harm your child.

I hope you had a nice lunch together.

As for your partner - let him stew for a while, and I would ignore her. What has she won? A poisioned chalice. A man who is dishonest and unworthy of you. She is welcome to him.

I am glad I managed a dignified silence when I saw my dh's ( yes we managed to sort our differences) OW. I see her around and she looks miserable.... I always try to look happy with my lot when she is around just to rub it in.

You are not a bad mother. Sweets and tweenies are fine in a crisis.

Get a new phone number. I hate texting, largely because people hide behind it in situations like this.

Thank you all so much for being so supportive. I was loopy this morning.

We didn't go out for lunch in the end. I pulled myself together, managed to dress us both and then took one look at hte pouring rain and gave up on the idea. We had a lovely healthy lunch in front of tv of toasted cheese sandwiches, doritos, chocolate and lollies. DD was delighted!

DP came back about 3.30pm and took DD out for a couple of hours to soft play before coming home and sorting out her supper and bedtime.

We've had a very long talk. He says he wants to stay with me and he regrets what's happened. He said he hadn't gone round to her but had phoned and told her about the argument and then gone for a very long walk with his phone switched off.

I don't want to give up on ten years together just like that but equally I don't want him to think he can get away with this again. I've told him I'm making no decisions while I'm in such a mess emotionally and to give me a few days to think about things.

At the moment my head is in a spin, I don't know which way to go. Thank you again to all of you for responding earlier, your commonsense did help me pull myself together

Do give yourself as much time as you need to think about this. You don't have to do anything because you think it's right. Eventually, you will have some sense of what you want, but there's absolutely no way you could know that now, or for some time. And I hope you soon get the lasting happiness you deserve.

Pile all his stuff into a huge pile in the back lawn and then tell DD it's Bonfire Night. You can have a lovely time dancing round his CDs and so on merrily burning away. Your DD is extremely lucky to have at least one fantastic parent. You're a totally great Mum as evidenced by the fact that you are far nore worried about how this will affect her rather than you.

Just get through it as best you can - she knows you love her and that's all that matters.

Good luck and big hug.

FWIW - He sounds fairly genuine in his wanting to make it work from what you describe, but you will need an awful lot of time to get your head round it completely.

Have you showed him the test from the bitch from hell other woman? What was his reaction?

...or even text!