Worried about my 10 year old daughter

[stellsie]

Hi i'm new to this site, it looks really good from what i've read so far! My daughter who is 10 seems to be having a few friendship problems (or maybe i should rephrase that lack of friends). She moved up to middle school last year (5) and in september this year moved up to year 6. When she was at first school (where we live we have first, middle and upper), she had a best friend in the last 2 years. When they joined middle school they were happy to be put in the same class, however this friend has made other friends and a new best friend, leaving my daughter struggling a bit really. She does seems to enjoy school though and talks about all the different subjects, funny things that happened etc etc, but i think it hit her quite hard when her best friend wasnt anymore! I explained it's all part of growing up and we all go through friendships, some last, some dont etc etc. Anyway around 6 months ago she started becoming friendly with a girl, round for tea here/there etc, phoning each other. But it seems to have cooled - i think by the sound of things from the other girl's side. However, my daughter was ok about it until this morning when she was getting ready for school, we were chatting and she said that she had Dance today (for PE) and that everyone in the class had already chosen their partners, and she was worried as she hadnt got a partner. So I suggested a few names - but they were all partnered up, so I said not to worry about it, it's only 1 lesson afterall - but oh no! it's for the whole of this half-term! Then she said there was 3 boys left and they were all 'geeks' and that she wasnt going with any of them - i told her that wasnt a very nice thing to say and she should think about people's feelings. But i felt awful when she went off to school, her Dance lesson is the last lesson of the day and I know she will be worrying about who she's going to partner with all day - like i have been! Am I doing something wrong? I know I sound a bit pathetic worrying about friendships etc, but I just want her to be happy at school! Has anyone experience of this? I'd be really grateful for some opinions/advice, thanks x

Sorry to hear that your DD is having problems, mine are a bit younger so I can't really advise much. It sounds like you are doing the right thing, and encouraging her to make friends and cope with this. It is awful when friendships break up, and it must be horrible for you worrying about it too. Does your daughter do any clubs or have any friendships outside of school that you can encourage? If she gets her confidence up away from school it might help her cope with things there aswell.

I am sure other MNers are able to advise better than me but good luck and hope your DD is ok.

thanks for the reply, regarding after school clubs she has done the lot - rainbows, then brownies, didnt want to do guides so obviously didnt force her!, she also joined a local dance school a couple of years ago but became bored of it after a year - it was heavily competition based and she just enjoyed the 'fun' side. the 2 girls she went with are friends from school but they are 'best' friends so my daughter was like a hanger on, bless her. she loves horses and for her birthday in march my mum & dad treated her to some riding lessons - but she hasnt made friends through this as it is literally get to the stables, have half hour lesson and come home! i encourage her to invite a friend/s back for tea, it was much easier at her other school because us mums collected our kids, but at middle school they walk home or are collected by car so there is no way of arranging after-school play etc. i said to her yesterday who would you like over? and she said she would ask a girl she is friendly with, but i know when i ask her later she'll either say she forgot or that the girl cant come! So then i think 'shall i back off?' - but i worry about her! Me and my husband are always trying to encourage her but we dont seem to be getting anywhere.

Would it be easier to organise a little party, if she is feeling too awkward to invite just one person? Maybe have a few friends for tea after school or at the weekend so you could have a sneeky peek at who she seems to be getting on with? Then you might be able to encourage those friendships?

it's all very common stuff at age 10, stell, and you should try not to feel hurt on behalf of your dd. It's also an age when girls can be at a loose end and not really know how to play with each other any more. The old games can seem too babyish.

If there was another girl at school who was into horses, the two of them would proably play for hours with toy stables and horses etc etc.

Also, if she is finding it harder just to hang out with friends, maybe you could offer to take her and one or two friends to the cinema if a good film comes out. Then they don't have to make hours of conversation between the two/three of them.

If the dance lesson becomes a big worry for her, I'd mention it to her teacher. It's a normal enough feeling and should be easy enough to make other arrangements re the pairing up.

Hopefully the dance teacher will make sure that partners are swapped around at her bidding, to ensure that nobody is left out week after week. If not, you could perhaps have a gentle word, but I can't imagine many schools would allow people to choose their own partners all the time.

My dd is 10 and I think year 6 girls are generally appalling - making and breaking friendships, being quite merciless about each other's physical appearance and generally bitching behind one another's backs. Like you, I try to support and not interfere, and it is worth making the effort to have girls she likes round for tea - you could send a note or try to find out tel numbers of friends if there's no school gate contact.

pointydogs comment about it being a difficult age in terms of play is also very true. My dd complains that nobody will want to come to our house because I don't let her walk to the park on her own (most of her friends have houses overlooking the park; it's several large roads away from us) but when girls come round they occupy themselves with all sorts of things including Bratz and Barbie and cuddly toys that they usually refer to as 'sad'!

thanks all so much for replying, sorry to gush but it's so nice when 'strangers' are concerned! well, when dd (by the way why is it double d?!) came home from school she told me she was partnered with a girl in Dance who she wanted to be with - AND, the girl asked my dd to be her partner!

I chatted to my mum on the phone last night and she feels I should 'back off' a little regarding friends - i probably do tend to ask too many questions, which might be making my dd feel as if there is something wrong - 'why does mum keep asking about my friend?' - so I'm going to wait till she comes to me re arranging friends over etc, but they were all excellent ideas that you all came up with, so i will bear them in mind! Oooo i feel so much better today, thanks alot....

dd - dear/darling daughter. check out the acronyms list in the 'useful stuff' section (above), otherwise it's v confusing!

ps, meant to say, glad the dance session worked out in the end. it is a tricky walking the line between concern and interference when it comes to dc's friendships, but sounds like you're treading it just fine..

I do feel for you - like yours, it was in those Middle School years that my DD started having friendship problems. What's so hard is the realisation that you can't fight all their battles for them anymore - there's no "kissing it better" at this stage. And girls at that prepubescent stage can be right little cows to each other - it's a horrible age (IME).

But it does pass and they all sort themselves out - just keep reminding yourself of that