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Parenting

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How are you meant to handle a verbally abusive 21 year old who can barely hold down a job, is hugely in debt and..

20 replies

DontGetIt · 04/11/2008 14:38

...has just moved back home again because he has been thrown out of his house share?

Im asking on behalf of my friend who is at the end of her tether (again) over her DS2. He has a record of drinking too much, of temp jobs that he mucks up/walks out of, of temp house shares that seem to go wrong, and of spending borrowed money as if it never has to be paid back. He is currently about 4K in debt, has an insecure job he hates, and his parents have taken pity (again) and let him move back home. But he is horribly verbally aggressive to them, reduced his dad to tears today in a confrontation which is not unusual (they have history of not getting on, he once decked his dad and hospitalised him) and basically seems to take all his life resentments (shit job, no girlfriend, no money etc) out on them. My friend feels they can't ask him to go again since he really cant raise a deposit on a place and are loathe to bail him out again financially. So should I offer the money? Would he feel more obliged to pay it back to me, his godmother, or would I be throwing good money after bad? Is there another solution we can't see at the mo?

I used to have a lovely relationship with him when he was small but have lost touch since he moved into adulthood so a friendly chat from me isn't going to work. Last time I offered that he laughed in my face. And in his defence both his mum and dad can be ones to go off the deep end too...but even so, he is being a real shit at the mo.

Any ideas would be very gratefully received!

OP posts:
SharkyandGeorge · 04/11/2008 14:43

I think the best way for them to help their son is to stop helping him out. He is an adult and should now be responsible for his own actions. I think it is ok for them to give him a leg up if he is also doing all he can to help himself but i doesn't sound like he is.

And no I don't think you should lend the money either.

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 04/11/2008 14:46

I think they need to set a time limit and say 'you have to have moved out by X date' and stick to it.

don't let pity or wondering where he'll stay come into it, he needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself. If he has a job, he can scrape together a deposit for a place. And if he has to live somewhere crap until he can afford something better, he'll learn.

They're doing him a favour, repaying that with abuse is completely out of order. He sounds like he needs a sharp shock to bring him down to earth.

scaryfucker · 04/11/2008 14:49

nooooooooo

take your hand outta your own pocket

after that, I am stumped about wht advice to give, this is so tricky

I am sure many people will advise that he be chucked out on his arse but I am not sure I could do that if he genuinely has nowhere to go

tbh, he is acting more like a 17 yr old than a 21 yr old, he really needs to grow up, but unfortunately only he can do that for himself

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DontGetIt · 04/11/2008 14:50

Yes I agree with both of you...but of course it is very hard to turn your own son out. He will milk it Im afraid, do the 'My parents put me on the streets' thing...but helping him isnt helping IYKWIM.

OP posts:
Cammelia · 04/11/2008 14:55

I would advise your friend not to allow her ds to treat her house like a hotel/doss house.

ie. To send him packing.

Violence towards his parents?

Forget it.

DontGetIt · 04/11/2008 15:02

Drat, life calls, will pop back later...

OP posts:
Tortington · 04/11/2008 15:09

its really hard to turn your child away, its one of those thngs that is of course the right thing to do, but just the worst thng to have to deal with.

my son recently left he is 19 soon, i miss him terribly and ofcourse i lament what could have been.

i am glad he isn't residing here.

and i think that is what your friends have to say to their son. that they will always love him ofcourse, but he cannot reside with them anymore.

he is a man. they have done their job.

Squitten · 04/11/2008 15:37

So, he takes everyone's money and doesn't pay it back, he can't hold down a job, has hospitalised his own father and then has the gall to be abusive to his parents when they try to help him?!

Why in the world is anyone even trying to help this guy?

Throw him out and tell him to sort his life out. He's not a child anymore - he's a grown man and there is no excuse for any of that at all.

Cammelia · 04/11/2008 15:39

I guess the trick is to stop thinking of him as a "child"

No adult can expect to behave like this

needmorecoffee · 04/11/2008 16:03

send him packing and if he is violent, call the police. H's an adult, not a 2 year old.

claricebeansmum · 04/11/2008 16:07

He has to stand on his own two feet and face the real world.

This is hard but the cycle needs to be broken. Tough love.

Just because you love someone does not mean you have to necessarily like them all the time.

yomellamoHelly · 04/11/2008 16:28

My youngest brother was like this. He's now 33 and has finally stopped drinking and started getting his life in order.
As his sister I actually really resent the number of times my parents have bailed him out when they gave no support to the rest of us who were doing a good job of sorting our own lives out etc.... He's never paid them back and has had the entire contents of his room/flat/house "stolen" 3 times. [hmmm] Parents gave him a car and then bought him another one too when he needed to move his stuff. He's really taken the piss with my 2 brothers too, though I've always kept him at arms length. (Neither will have him back in their homes again.)
He got married a few years ago at which point my parents stopped bailing "because he was settled now". Personally I think that was what made him get his act together in the end.
I'd suggest a bit of tough love and then when he finally "gets" it and starts making amends and growing up helping him. He's not a child any more.
I think my brother's wasted a huge chunk of his life. We've all got (had in my case!) careers, comfortable homes, partners and now kids and are quite sorted. He has a room in a shared house in a dodgy part of London. I feel a reality check 10 years ago would have resulted in him being much more sorted now (assuming he really has stopped drinking that is!).

Cammelia · 04/11/2008 16:29

Yes its for his own sake (as well as the parents)

MrsMattie · 04/11/2008 16:30

Kick him the fuck out!

mamadiva · 04/11/2008 16:36

Well I dunooe if Im much help on this but..

I am 22 and my mum kicked me out when I was 16, long story but I deserved it it helped me so much totally made me turn my life around.

Id say kick him out and let him fend for himself...

MadamDeathstare · 04/11/2008 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbbeyA · 04/11/2008 16:53

I can see that they find it difficult to throw him out but I think they have to be cruel to be kind.
They need to draw up an agreement as to what he does in the house etc and making it perfectly clear that he has to be polite and violence will not be tolerated. If he doesn't keep to his side of the bargain he needs to go. It may be that he needs a real shock to change and he won't get it while they cushion him from the real world.

DontGetIt · 04/11/2008 20:03

I think you are all right TBH. He is taking the piss, and they do keep taking him back in. I'd like to think I wouldn't let him keep crawling back but who knows what Id do if it was my boy. Horrible situation. The sad thing is I suspect the silly sod really feels quite emotionally lost...he just doesnt know what to do with his life, and is just getting himslef into a worse and worse state. He can be a lovely charming lad when the fancy takes him. But they do keep putting up with the crap from him, so he keeps dealing it...I wish they would wake up to that a bit. He has apparently apologised of sorts for the latest outburst so theres no talk of kicking him out now. Part of me does think more fool them...but I do understand their dilemma. Anyway, thanks for responses everyone, I shall pass the gist of it on to my friend.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 05/11/2008 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cammelia · 05/11/2008 20:26

Aye, he's a good argument for bringing back National Service

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