Reacting badly - feeling totally rejected and pathetic - ds1 says he loves grandma more than me

[watershed]

Please give me some advice - be gentle! My oldest son age 3.6 months has recently said a few times that he wishes he was going to Amma's house (Amma is my mother who looks after my kids for 3 days a week when I am at work).On one occasion I went to pick him up from nursery and he cried and said he wanted to go to Amma's. He said this morning that he loves me but likes Amma best
I then was completely childish myself and got quite angry, I told him that I found it really hurtful and how would he like it if I said that to him? He then said sorry and started to cry . I feel he is being generally rude and contrary and I wonder why our relationship has gone like this. I should add, I have always felt inferior to my mum who spends hours playing with him and thinks he is wonderful - spoils him a bit I think, and doesn't have to try and do the rest of her life with the kids around so has plenty of time to play. Having said that, I am pretty hopeless at playing, I have no imagination or patience and am finding all of my responsabilities are weighing me down, plus bad relationsip with DH, who gives me no real support and takes little interest in the kids. I do take the kids on outings etc to the park, read books,build towers etc and do my best but I find it hard work a lot of the time. When they are quiet and watching TV or whatever for a couple of hours, particularly in the afternoon after DS1 has been at nursery in the morning or at the weekends I just let them so I can have some head space/fold washing/clean/cook etc in peace. So it is hardly surprising DS wants to be at Amma's. I feel like a complete failure over it at the moment to be honest.

Oh, please don't be sad. I'm sure he loves you very much indeed!

My DS2 loves me but he also tells me how much he loves my mum and he has been known to say that she is the only person in the world he loves more than me. I really don't take it as a criticism - I can see why he loves her so much - and I do remember that I adored my grandmother when I was a little girl.

DS1 is very little and he is just getting his head around the fact that you can love more than one person! Please don't take it so hard. You sound fab, but too hard on yourself.

Try not to take it you heart - he isn't yet able to fully understand the concepts of love etc and certainly wouldn't be doing it to hurt you.

It sounds as if you are in a bit of a tough place at the moment - you are doing everything you can to offer a stimulating environment - don't be yourself up about it.

Grandparents do have the time to play etc. but that doesn't mean you can't have some fun with them too - how old are your other children? I too am rubbish at imaginative play so I don't do that with dd as I hate doing it so instead we do games/puzzles/drawing etc as I have a much better time and so does dd.

Is Amma helping with this problem?
Can't see what's wrong in how you are managing even those of us who do not work will let them watch tv or just play with siblings so we can have time to do other things or just stop for a minute. You are being hard on yourself. He is only little and there will be more to come unfortunately guess we have all told our parents we hate them at some stage well maybe not dad but defo mum! Just be firm he is possibly upset at you leaving him but also testing your boundries.

Almost all children with non-crap grandparents would rather be at their grandparents' house once they get to three or so. It's only natural -- the grandparents get to do all the "fun" stuff with them and none of the dull routine.

I know I felt that way as a child, and am fairly sure DS would be of to MIL's like a shot. As they get older they appreciate the difference in the two roles.

Thanks for your posts, I really appreciate it. I didn't have any relationship with either grandparents so it is all new for me. It is lovely that DS1 has such a nice relationship with Amma, but it does make me feel inadequate I suppose, and guilty because of my marriage problems. I had a very unhappy childhood and so don't want my kids to have a shit time, so I feel really oversensitive about it all.
Thanks Sixspot and Missisboot, He is little and just learning, and that is whay I was not sure whether to tell him that it hurt or just ignore it/rise above it. I want us to be able to talk feelings/be respectful but don't want to be too heavy as he is only 3! My other son is 20 months and can usually be found attempting to climb the ruddy bookshelf/ torture the dog/bang his head on the floor if I take my mobile phone off him before he phones 999 (again!). I need all the peace I can get....
Amess, I wonder sometimes if Amma secretly is rather pleased!!! She was a drinking alcoholic when I was a child and so f*ucked things up rather and I think she feels that she has been given a chance to do it right. She has been sober for 25 years now though!
G,T&L, yes, it is a lot easier to be fun when you have them 3 days a week (Amma)rather than when you haven't had a lie in for 3 and a half years (me)!!!! Having said all that, I am also really lucky to have te arrangement that we have because my mum covers for me and allows me to do the job I do by being really flexible and great, so I shouldn't complain...

watershed, complaining is what mn is for!

My 5 yo has just come back from 2 whole days with his gps and feels the same as your ds at the moment.
He ate only his favourite food. Had puddings. Had cake. Had hot chocolate drinks. Had 2 adults waiting on him hand and foot and doing everything they could to entertain him and a whole host of fun activities lined up to do. They would probably agree they are terrified of upsetting him.
Ultimately that's not good for him. Plus he came back knackered. Imo children also need time to get bored and learn how to amuse themselves. And they need to have boundaries. You say you do play with him, just not 24/7. Sounds a balanced approach to me.

Ds1 is like a mini fuhrer sometimes and my mum just panders to him. Yes, chocolate for snacks and god knows what...

I am finding this moan rather satifying (warms to theme), thanks SixSpot and yomella!

little kids don't know what they are saying when they say this sort of thing. What they mean is they really like being with their gran - but that does not mean they don't like mum.

You are such a big thing in his life it would never occur to him that you won't be there - so he is not being negative about you - just positive about his gran.

Just wanted to add, at that age dd1 was CONSTANTLY telling me she would rather be at her Nanny or Grandma's house. And would quite often have a tantrum over it just to prove the point

LL, I also have had to deal with the ice-cream for breakfast scenario.. but this was a reality rather than a wanting on dd's part Had to reign Grandma in a bit there...

Oh mine does this is all the time; "Granny lets me watch beauty and the beast," "aunty lets me play computer games, watch TV while I eat nmy dinner, buys me big muffins and crisps while in the cafe, plays wild games, and generally spoils me rotten," but she gets SO much out of these relationships. Yes she is exhausted when she gets back, and I am always bad cop and nothing is as exciting at home, but I am still her mummy and when the chips are down, it's me she wants.
I think being a mum isn't about being popular with your children, it's about doing your best for them and it sounds like you are doing a great job.
Try and be pleased that he is so happy and well cared for while you are at work and remember you are irreplaceable because you are his mummy. amen.

Also don't feel guilty about letting him watch TV after nursery - he's probably exhausted and needs a bit of down time. Maybe you could take him out somewhere at the weekend, just the two of you, and have some fun together.
By the way, I'm a SAHM and my children still have tantrums when they leave granny's house and are quite capable of telling me they don't like me anymore etc. It doesn't matter how much I play with them, that is all forgotten when granny and aunty are around!

Yep, grandparents get to do all the fun stuff! My FIL can't wait for our son to grow up so he can "do lots of things that his parents won't approve of"

Your son doesn't mean anything by it, he just loves his grandmother and that's ok. Try not to take is personally.

'my mum [who] spends hours playing with him and thinks he is wonderful - spoils him a bit I think, and doesn't have to try and do the rest of her life with the kids around so has plenty of time to play'

You've answered your own question. I know it's really painful - I've been there too, when I was working 3 days a week and DD was a little bit younger than your LO.

Don't let him see you get upset about it again. Just say something like, 'Yes, Amma's lovely isn't she - shall we go to the aprk for a bit?'

If he knows he's pushing your buttons he will keep doing it all the more. It will blow over, our DD is 4.2 now and rarely does it (although it does crop up occasionally and I'm now a SAHM having been made redundant in June so don't beat yourself up on that level either.)

I read that children play up more for mummy because they feel more secure in your love for them. No matter what they do mum will love them unconditionally

Whilst this is true of GPs, it is not the same. It is a very special relationship but it is diferent

I really feel a lot better now, thanks everyone for your kind words. Nicky111 and MollyCherry, that is all really good advice, I will not react and take it so personally now. I will just say something nice about Amma and change the subject rather than making a big thing of it. I do try and do the right thing but I want to be popular too! I find it so easy to lose perspective with parenting issues - it is all so up close it is difficult for me to keep a sense of proportion sometimes.

Oh God when ds1 was 4 he said he wished I could be the one who was dead instead of Tom. Who was our pet cat (had just died, ds1 devastated).

It's because you don't need to be loved, you're his mother. You're there.

Part of it is having a lovely time at grandma's- but an even more important part is telling you about it!

At this age, children are learning about the effect they have on others- so they experiment. But at the same time, they have no sense of how much they can really hurt you. It's just, let's push this button and see what it does.

At a slightly younger age, dd calmly informed me that she won't love me when she's grown up because I'll be dead by then. (Don't you bank on it, my child, don't you bank on it )

And yet I have never known a child more attached to her mother than she was. (and still is)

I think at this age, you still have to treat a lot of what comes out of their mouths as experimental noises. Doesn't mean they'll grow into uncaring adults.

Relying on a 3yo to make you feel good about yourself is bound to misfire; they may not be horrible little things, but they certainly sound like it at times

MollyCherry's suggested response is immaculate . It doesn't frighten him, but at the same time gives a clear signal that I am not carrying on with this conversation.

If he is still making tactless comments by the time he starts school, you may need to tackle it more firmly, but it's still not a good idea to show too much emotion.

If your mother is taking care of your DS three days a week, you probably ought to have a conversation with her about what she does with your DS.

Grandparents need to adapt their behaviour depending on how often and in what way they see their grandchildren. It is fine, IMO, for GPs who rarely see their grandchildren to spoil them rotten (albeit with attention rather than material things). It is not, IMO, a good idea for GPs who take regular care of a child, like your mother, to do so. She needs to lay off a little and make being with her more normal and less child-focused. It isn't good for children to have adults waiting on them hand and food and attending to their every need/whim.