I feel like I'm getting it all wrong. Hugs needed, please.

[Pinkjenny]

Dd is almost 18mo, and seems to have turned into a toddler almost overnight.

She is a beautiful, funny, gorgeous little thing, with a big wet lettuce as a mother. I think in my attempts at an easy life and to 'keep her happy', I have created many issues and problems, which all seem to be coming back to bite me. Dd has definitely entered the stage of her development where she is testing the boundaries, and well, I never give her any. She screamed so hard last night to come back downstairs at midnight that she was bawking and choking. So what do I do? Take her downstairs.

She refused to sit in her highchair at mealtime yesterday. So what do I do? Let her eat spaghetti bolognese on the floor in front of the TV.

It's almost like an out of body experience, I can see myself doing it, and am consciously thinking to myself, 'What are you doing!'

She has never slept through the night, not once, and recently she had been sleeping for at least the evening in her own bed. But after a few nights of tantrums at bedtime, what do I do? Put her in bed with me.

What is wrong with me? Dh and my mum are constantly telling me where I am going wrong, albeit they are probably just sick to death of me complaining about it, and want me to actually do something about it.

I so want to be a good mum and to raise a well balanced, happy dd, but I just seem to mess up at every opportunity.

I am so sad.

Didn't want your thread to disappear off the current convo list...

I must admit that I do some things to make life a little easier for myself, then, like you, I think that it's wrong and why did I do that?

DS1 used to eat dinner on a little table in front of the TV for AGES. The reason was that the dining table was in an unsafe room, and out fo view of the kitchen. There was simply no-where else for him to eat. We then moved, and that prompted me to make a real effort to make mealtimes "proper".

There are a gazillion other little things that I sometimes do, but I now make a conscious effort to avoid them. I have to remind myself it makes life harder for me/us in the long term.

Is it because I asked for hugs?

jenny, my eldest is 10

he slept in my bed for ages, still tries to eat without cutlery!!, drink out of a cup with a lid till he was 5, still doesn't like reading much

BUT he is a great boy, mannerly, loves wee kids, helps older people, sleeps in his bed all night, tries hard at school

what I'm trying to say is if you love your kids they'll come thru the early years fine and you musn't listen to the "oh I wouldn't do that" types as sure as fate, THEY'LL be doing soemthing YOU wouldn't do!!

give your wee girl a hug and a kiss and go for a walk in the leaves

so aside from telling you how wrong you're getting it, what does your DH do to get things right?

I think dh feels like everything he does is wrong, I feel like everything he does just winds me up even more. He has never gotten involved at bedtime, he says because I never let him. I think the reason I won't let him, is a) he gets very stressed and takes it personally because he just thinks she wants me, and b) I get very stressed because I think she wants me and I just barge in and take over.

Things are not good between dh and I at all. My mum says she thinks that dd is picking up on how sharp I am with him, and acting the same way towards him.

Have one from me!!

Actually, I don't think you are doing anything wrong.

You are right that you could take a harder line, but you don't have to AT ALL. The worst thing you are doing is giving yourself a hard time - if you did everything you described but were just happy and confident that it felt like the right thing to do for you, then that would be absolutely fine IMO. You can pick your battles, and none of what you talk about would count as one for me. It's not like your lovely girl will be queueing up for her ASBO by her next birthday beccause she's got a mum who's a bit of a softie. As long as you make a stand on things like sharing (as she gets bigger) and hitting, you can let her eat where you like, as you are with her, and have a cuddle when she's scared at night.

Don't stress, you sound like a lovely mummy to me!

BitOfFun - I am filling up!

It's just a lot of pressure, you know? I'm an only child, and sometimes I feel like I am responsible for raising this child who is so adored by everyone and they all have a say and a stake in whether I am doing a good job or not!

PS, just seeing your other post - why don't you go for a coffee or something around her bedtime and leave her and her dad to it for a while? If you put yourself out of the whine zone (hers, yours and DH's!) she can learn, and he can to go to bed with your DH for comfort. It is worth a try, and easier than gritting your teeth and then barging in. Let him take her out to feed the ducks at the weekend etc while you make him something nice to eat, or have a bit of you time, and just let yourself relax girl! It's a marathon, not a sprint!! Take care x x

"she can go to bed", obviously!

You have to chose your battles. Ds eats his dinner in the living room 90% of the time because I know he will eat it all. I do give in on a lot of things eg in supermarket yesterday I was on the phone trying to sort out stupid electric people (electricity and gas providors not actual electric people) and he was screaming to buy lolipops. Do i stay firm as we have lolipops at home? Do I bog roll. Try telling your DH HOW Hard you are finding things at the moment and maybe suggest he does bedtime while you go out, food shopping, meet friends or drive around the block 20times nervously biting your nails!

Firstly I think it's great that you are able to be honest and say "I think I might be going wrong somewhere". Kids don't come with a handbook so you do have to just pick it up as you go along. I know you are not alone. I was very lucky that my first little boy just did everything as the textbook said. My second was a whole different kettle of fish and had I had him first things probably would have been a whole lot harder.

I think you know what you want from her and you've just got to stick with it. She will battle with you and test the boundaries but she will give in. I heard someone say that any new rules, whether it be sleeping in their own bed, sitting at the table or whatever, it takes three days to crack it. I definitely think that's true. Like with bed for example, the first night she will kick up a fuss and probably get herself very upset but don't give in. If she's getting to the state where she's choking then don't leave the room but just settle her and put her back to bed. You'll probably find you'll end up being in there for a couple of hours constantly laying her back down but I promise she will give in. Night two you'll probably see an improvement but it may not be much but by night three I'm sure you will have made good progress. Don't try to tackle too much in one go either as it is an adjustment period for her and it will take her time to get used to it. Get bedtime tackled first, just stick with it and it will get better. At least if you get the nights sorted you'll feel more refreshed in the morning and have the energy to be stronger with the other stuff.

If Dh and Mum seem to know where you are going wrong perhaps rather than tell you they should get involved, whatever rules you lay down both parents should be enforcing and your Mum could support you by giving you a break after a bad night. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and I've always felt I could tackle anything if I've had a good nights kip!

Don't ever be afraid to ask for help, you are only human!

I hope that helps!
xx

I am going out with my friends on Saturday night. I can't wait. It'll be the first time I've been away from her overnight on my own, and I think a dose of perspective is probably what's needed.

Your replies are really helping, I thought it was just me!

Great minds, mumof2andabit, great minds

These are all great suggestions. I think part of the problem during the day is the fact that she is trying so hard to communicate with me, and getting frustrated when I can't understand her. This morning, a typical conversation went:

You want Fifi? No. The tap dancing bunny? No. Mr Tumble? No. Laa Laa? No. Balamory? No.

And so on.

Just to clarify what others have said you have to pick your battles. The stuff that you don't feel is too important let go but the stuff you want to change just stick with. She's your child and it's up to you (not your Mum) to decide what appropriate and what's not. I don't let my children eat in front of the telly as they take forever but if they are wanting to get back to the telly they eat up pretty quick! I don't let mine sleep in my bed (unless they are poorly) because I don't sleep very well when they are there and find I'm irritable in the morning if I've had a restless night. You've got to decide what you want and what suits your lifestyle and then go for it.

I think gong out and leaving dh to do bed time is a fantastic idea as I have a nasty habit of getting involved when dh is doing something and the kids are fussing.

I'll give you a hug

Personally, I think you do need to give children boundaries and it doesn't sound like not giving your daughter any is making either her nor you happy (just my opinion of course).

In terms of changing things why not pick the battle you think is easiest (to give you confidence) or most important (to give you resolve) and hold firm on that? Whilst doing this give yourself permission to let other things slide until you are ready to tackle them. Make sure you and your husband agree and follow the same 'rules' though.

I think the thing that would make the biggest difference to all of us would be a good night's sleep. But if I look in my thread history, I must have started about eight million threads about dd's sleep, and never consistently tackled it.

Is 10.20am too early for vodka?

oh jenny! don't beat yourself up.....you can't have gone THAT wrong in 18 months!

like the other posters have said, you need to choose your battles...change patterns of behaviour just one at a time.

what is the most important thing for you now? is it the bedtime routine? the eating? the not giving in?

choose 1 and work on it....be consistant and clam. there are lots of different ways of dealing with things...you can try distracting ..." no, you can't have crisps now...would you like an apple instead? ooooh! come and look at the birds out of the window" kind of thing....

some things have to be non negotiable...holding hands to walk down the stairs or whatever..or never touching the cooker, or never hitting you or whatever, but almost everything else is tangible....move times around to suit you both...make life eay for yourself.

get some time out...go to softplay with another mum and just chat...i use softplay as my only bit of me time...i alwys meet a friend and put the world to rights, and come home feeling like a new woman.

your dh needs to learn to do things with his dd too. just as you learned your way of doing things, he must find his feet and grow in confidence....he may do things very differently to you, but they are not wrong, just different!

i wish you lots of luck...i'm sure things will all fall into place after your night away. be sure to enjoy it to the full! x

I think it would be ok on Saturday if you've been up all night, but I'd steer clear til the sun's over the yard arm (whatever that is) otherwise, LOL!

Sometimes I just think I need to relax. I am not a laid back person at all. I really want more children, and I can almost hear my family scoffing at me when I say that.

I think it would help you a lot if you and your husband were more of a team dealing with your dd together instead of you doing everything and him not feeling willing or able to help. I say this because that's exactly how I was with my dh after we had ds1. In retrospect I handled it so badly, got annoyed with him if he did anything 'wrong', (ie not how I would have done it) but acted like a martyr because he seldom offered to help. I really made it hard for him and I think I actually affected their relationship in a negative way and they are still not as close as they might be.

If you felt stronger and more positive in your relationship with dh then I'm sure it would affect your confidence in a big way and then you would feel more able to deal with dd. Also try to step back sometimes and let him do things his way, even if it's not how you'd do it, especially if he makes the effort to offer, which he may feel nervous about doing if he thinks you're going to tell him he's messing it up. My dh once told me I'd made him feel like a really crap dad, and I've never felt so guilty or awful in my life. I slowly got to realise that even though he doesn't have much idea how to deal with kids he would never be able to have a natural relationship with his sons if I didn't let him 'learn on the job'!

Do try not to worry though - you quite obviously love your daughter so much and that's got to be the best thing for her, not having an overly organised uber-mum!

First of all PinkJenny, here is your Big Fat Hug
I really identify with you. If you are not a laid back person, I suspect that you feel an overwhelming responsibility to do everything and you expect to get things right first time, so at least congratulate yourself for having high standards - however, I think this motherhood game is whole different kettle of fish (as we have been talking about on the night waking thread) - You are soooo not alone on all of this. My DD is an angel and then a devil at the moment (or "chucky" as I think I said) but some stuff I am just not going to worry about right now, for example she loves eating yoghurt with her hands and then smearing it on her face and on the table, she'll have total meltdown in sainsburys, I have brought her into bed with me at night when she crys, we have watched night garden at 4am. Some stuff I just let her do because she might then just find out that way that it's not that great and not do it again. So am just trying to let stuff go and only sweat the big stuff - it's really hard as this is not my personality at all but I am slowly coming around to it. My DH also told me that I barge him out of the way and so I now try and do this less. On the 3 days that I work, he picks her up from nursery and takes her home and bathes her. this means that she has a bond with him that means he is actually now better than me at calming her during the night (I get too worked up/anxious/worried, which she definitely picks up on). Why don't you ask your DH to take over on a couple of nights / week if that's possible and during that time you go and put your feet up or you do it together with DH taking the lead. The more you let him get involved that more he will understand how tough it is and what you deal with - he will have a whole new found respect for you!!!
Have a great Sat night, you deserve it. let go and rest assured that your little loved one is being looked after by Dadddy.
And don't worry about what family think or anyone else for that matter - everyone else always has an opinion, but it's only you and your husband's that matter.....
BTW - do you do yoga? If you don't, give it a go ,it will really help you let go mentally :-)

Another hug here! I do all the things you have described with my ds, especially the high chair thing. I always think that at this age there is no reasoning with language and it will improve in time. Honestly , I am a big believer in doing what feels right and sod what enyone thinks. Being a parent is bloody hard work, we have to pick our battles very carefully in this house. It's not a bad thing that you do these things to make her happy or cut down on the protests. I do stand my ground with somethings such as bedtime but in the day ds regularly naps on me so he doesn't cry. I often let him eat on the floor as he starts to get fidgety and whingy in the high chair. I really don't think other than leaving them to scream that there is much alternative and that just doesn't work with my ds. Once he's got too distressed, he won't eat and I feel it is my job to ensure he eats well and has a positive relationship with food rather than being 'forced' to sit and eat.

I was so not laid back either but ds has made me rethink and I HAVE to take things at his pace. Remember that she won't be like this forever and all these little issues will iron out in time. She is still just a baby and I don't know any 16 year olds who CAN'T sit and eat a meal or sleep with theoir parents. Remember the more secure and happy she is now, the happier and more confident she will be as she grows up.

Sounds like you are doing so well. Please don't beat yourself up about these issues, you are doing fab. Relax!!!!