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Parenting

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Original poster

Siblings Without Rivlary? Anyone read it?

12 replies

MirandaG · 03/11/2008 11:14

Would you recommend it? Have seen mixed reviews on Amazon. My almost 5 year old is very jealous of her one year old sister and has been since the start. She also seems very angry with me (probably for having baby sister) and I can't blame her - she was the first child, first grandchild on both sides etc etc and is really struggling with accepting her little sister who is now at a very sweet and adorable age (i.e. can't really talk but giggles a lot). I don't want this pattern to continue for the rest of their lives - my sister is very jealous of me and our relationship is quite fraught. Am logging off now because I'm supposed to be working...but will check back later. Thanks

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boogeek · 03/11/2008 11:15

I thought it had some good ideas - but I read it when DD1 was about 3 and DD2 a tiny baby, and felt it was really aimed at older children. Might be good for your 5 year old though. I got it from my library so it was free!

TheProvincialLady · 03/11/2008 11:17

That's interesting boogeek. I wanted to read it before DC2 is born (due December) and was a bit worried in case someone else had borrowed it from the LLL library. So you think it might not be especially useful for DS then? (aged 2.4 in Dec)

peanutbutterkid · 03/11/2008 11:18

I thought it was very good when I read it (years ago). But have failed to be able to put it into good practice (at least, my 4 still squabble loads, so I assume I'm doing it wrong).
I second the libary suggestion.

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peanutbutterkid · 03/11/2008 11:19

I'd say it's potentially useful for age 18m+.

boogeek · 03/11/2008 11:20

Um - well it can't hurt! But no, it was definitely more about what you should say to them once they are already at loggerheads rather than how to prevent them getting there in the first place, and the examples are all older (verbal) children.
Your local library (not LLL but the council-owned one - what is the name for that? Sorry, feeling a bit vague today) should have it or be able to order it for you.
My Dd1 was 2 1/2 when DD2 arrived and we've had no jealousy issues whatsoever so fingers crossed you get off so lightly! They fight a bit now they are older, but the first year or so was peaceful.

Original poster

MirandaG · 03/11/2008 13:13

Yes that was one of the criticisms on Amazon - that it didn't have any recommendations for how to prevent it from day one i.e. when the new baby arrives. Having just gone through it one of my tips would be to try to spend as much time alone as you can with the older child - not easy with a new baby, but part from he or she needing your undivided attetion it reminds you that he or she really is a lovely little child and not a green eyed monster! Any other book recommendations gratefully appreciated!

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lingle · 03/11/2008 18:41

it's brilliant. Stopped me making awful errors like telling DS1 he "must" love DS2 and helped me think of better strategies.

might go and reread it right now...

Original poster

MirandaG · 04/11/2008 11:07

Thanks lingle - think I will give it a whirl.

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emilyandjohn · 04/11/2008 14:33

I read this book - my two are 3.3 and 5 months. Although most of the examples are for much older children than mine, some of the tips are quite good even for very little ones - eg not comparing, fulfilling each child's needs rather than focusing on 'equality'. DS1 has got a little less jealous, although this might be because he has got used to DS2 being around and is more busy with pre-school etc than he was.

Fennel · 04/11/2008 14:50

I found it useful, but I haven't seen my copy properly for years as it's my "most borrowed" book - every parent of more than one child borrows it with a desperate expression as soon as another parent gives it back.

The main message I got from it was to teach them/let them negotiate their quarrels, not to decide for them but to show them how to decide who gets a go first, who plays with which toy, etc. So that you don't become the judge/approval figure and they stop competing for your approval or attention but solve things themselves.

I like any book which suggests I leave it to them and go off and do my own thing

lingle · 04/11/2008 16:29

The basic idea is that all feelings are acceptable but not all actions.

The "equality" myth demolition is so helpful. DS1 complained last night that I was concentrating only on DS2. Without the book, I'd have said "I'm sorry I'll make sure you get equal time" (which is unrealistic - it won't happen because DS2 has language delay). But after reading the book I said "yes, it's good to be the oldest in many ways but the younger one does often get more attention because he can't do so many things. Sounds like that annoys you sometimes. "YES" said DS1 and you could just see him relaxing and thinking "well at least she understands how I feel..."

peanutbutterkid · 08/11/2008 06:43

Oh God, I am just so crap! I have read the book several times and I would never have figured out that Lingle's words were the right thing to say (I mean obviously they worked,so they were the right words).

Sigh, Better just to throw all these parenting books in the bin, fat lot of good they do me.

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