How do you discipline your DC?

[Gateau]

My DS is 18 months old and so doesn't require much discipling at the mo - just a bit of a telling off and finger pointing when he starts a bit of minor tantrumming or throwing food around.
But for the future - and maybe this is being a bit premature because he may not need much disciplining (Fingers crossed!) but am just interested in finding out how other peoeple discipline their children. I have seen other kids throwing major, embarassing tantrums in supermarkets and would be mortified if mine did that. I have been wondering how I would deal with it. My current thinking is that I would lift him out of the trolley, take him outside and give him a real talking to - and deal with it properly when I got home. Just not sure though.

Ds is now 8 But when he was 2 he was forever throwing tantrums
When we were at home I would ensure he couldnt hurt himself but would leave the room and let him calm down .You couldnt talk or console him as he would lash out and get even worse and then they would last for 30 minutes

He only ever did it once in the supermarket and I just picked him up and left.Got home and when he calmed down tried talking to him which did seem to work

You dont reward bad behaviour so dont buy him sweets to try and sooth the situition[sp] when out in the supermarket otherwise he will keep on doing it

Errrhhhhmmmm, if your toddler has a genuine bona fide tantrum, giving a talking to is a bit of a waste of time tbh: he won't hear you and nobody else will be able to hear it either .

Also, punishing a young toddler when you get home for something he did earlier in the supermarket is not a brilliant idea. Their attention span is not that good, he'll have forgotten all about it and will think you punish him just because you like to upset him for no reason.

I would take a tantrumming older child out and just let the tantrum wind its way down.

An 18 month really doesn't understand the concept of right and wrong. Just remove temptation (or remove him from temptation) with a cheerful "No you cannot have/do that".

Gateau on Mon 03-Nov-08 09:14:46

"I have seen other kids throwing major, embarassing tantrums in supermarkets and would be mortified if mine did that. "

Tbh I think with children you have to resign yourself to the ideal that you will be mortified at some stage or other. Practising not judging other parents is a good start . The time is likely to come when you will need their understanding tolerant approach.

Gateau - you're so lucky!
My 17 month old DD has been having tantrums since her first birthday. It's actually not that embarrassing in public - all I get are understanding looks as I stroke DD's head and talk calmly to her while she lashes about on the ground. If I can;t stay calm myself, I leave her to it as I don;t want her to sense my anger.
DD's new thing is hitting people (hard). Don;t think she means it maliciously - it's just her way of saying hello, so don;t think it's a point of discipline and I think she's too young to understand an explanation of why hitting is a no-no.
My current tactic is to tell her to stop and show her how to stroke gently as a way of greeting people. Fingers crossed it'll work.

ah gateau, sorry but tantrums or not are NOT a matter of good parenting! Some children tantrum, others don't. My older two were parented pretty much the same, I think., Ds-no tantrums, dd1-jesus god...The difference? Dd1 was very advanced in the words she was using but not so much her ennunciation-imagine a 2 yo with a lisp saying "I would like the dark green juice without the bits in please" and you see the problem.

She learnt to speak clearly. Tantrums stopped.

And parenting is all about being mortified, isn't it?

Tantrums aren't really bad behaviour IME, they are an utter explosion of emotion from someone who has no idea what to do with it. A small child doesn't tantrum manipulatively.

Best advice really would be ride with it. The tantrum phase doesn't last very long anyway.

Bloody hell, cory. I am not judging any other parents so you can spare me the lecture. I'm only concerned about how I would parent given that scenario.
And I'm not talking about disciplining my 18 month old now - I'm talking about the future.

gateau - read this

Everyone, I'm NOT saying tantrums are BAD parenting. I am merely asking how you deal with them. Arrrrrgh!

poor old gateau

honestly, if youre looking for ideas on how to handle your childs burgeoning emotions and behaviours etc, reading that book is a good place to start

Thanks Lady. Will take a look.

If ds2(2.3) has a tantrum, if at home i go out the room and ignore, if out in public i try to distract him with something else.

If ds1 has a tantrum i throw his car keys at him and tell him to sod off out my way

(ds1 is 19 btw )

What I was trying to say was, you can't necessarily deal with them. If by dealing with them you mean stopping them or making sure they don't reoccur. That may not be possible.

It was you who said you'd be mortified and that tantrums were embarrassing. I was saying, I don't think you need to feel mortified if your child has a tantrum.

Surely the only reason to feel mortified is if you think other people are judging you?

Just pointing out that actually during a tantrum you may find yourself unable to discipline your 2yo. Or your 3yo, for that matter. And disciplining a 3yo when you get home for losing their temper when you were out is still not a good idea IMO.

(And it wasn't me who said you were talking about disciplining your 18mo. That was Anna)

Cory???????????

Wasn't me, that's for sure.

You said "An 18 month really doesn't understand the concept of right and wrong.", which I think was a misunderstanding of the OP who asking for directions on how to discipline her (currently) 18mo when he gets older.

(I thought your post was very sensible, just not quite what she asked)

I was trying to point out to the OP that "just a bit of a telling off and finger pointing" wasn't appropriate yet .

Gateau, I had an 18mth old who pretty much never tantrummed, she is a 2.5 yo who is more or less brilliant everywhere

(disclaimer: BUT when she is tired, or I am tired, she is still capable of embarrassing me in the supermarket - it's always somewhere public. And I did used to judge parents in the supermarket and now realise they might be having an off day...)

Things that work IMO:
**read How to Talk -great bookand start the principles (listen to your child, empathise, fantasise) NOW.
**as above, put yourself in their shoes and be silly or sympathetic, or cross but still being firm
**give minor issues, minor consequences - and carry them out calmly. Then your child sees you mean what you say.
**distraction !
**positively and closeness with your child.
Finger pointing and telling off is ok as long as it is combined with showing them what they should be doing - kids don'thave an inbuilt 'this is good behaviour' mode.

Agree that tantrums are not being 'naughty'. This actually helps you deal with it, if you see it 'oh dear, you are cross you can't have that magazine aren't you? hmm.. what can we do now to make you happier? a cuddle?'. There is of course, the completely 'lost-it' tantrum whic h IMO needs to be ignored for a minute then dealt with as above...

but this is what works for my dd (and secondary kids I teach!). No idea if it would work for all

Anna8888 on Tue 04-Nov-08 08:14:30

"I was trying to point out to the OP that "just a bit of a telling off and finger pointing" wasn't appropriate yet ."

Ah, OP and I both seem to have misunderstood that bit. That makes sense.

Fillyjonk and Umlella make a very useful distinction between naughtiness and upsetness.

When I burst into tears during an argument with dh, I am not actually being naughty, though I may well be furious. I don't do it on purpose to annoy him. A toddler who is screaming at the top of his voice is doing the 2yo equivalent.

Between 18 months and 3 years tantrums in public were dealt with by either picking up said toddler under arm and walking out of said shop OR (after checking safety) leaving said toddler to scream on floor while removing self to a safe distance, pretending to be indifferent and watching passers by look around for a parent.
From 3 years old the toddler/child knows 'the look' and should comply. Sometimes I might say, "Do you see that man?" and point to a random passerby and then say, "He's the manager and he'll get cross if you carry on making that noise" ... that usually does it.
Re discipline at home ... DD is 4 and DS is 8. DD is sent to her room and that seems to be enough. DS is sent to his room and depending on attitude and the level of 'crime' he is banned from stuff he loves (Computer/Playstation time) and if he has been really really bad he gets grounded from playing sport - that has never happened yet as he loves his sport and will do anything to avoid missing training and matches.
Honestly? I am finding the attitude of my almost 9 year old really difficult to deal with and I would do anything to go back to the simplicity of toddler tantrums.
I am sure that at the teen stage I will be thinking the 9 year old stage was a piece of piss too.

'I have seen other kids throwing major, embarassing tantrums in supermarkets and would be mortified if mine did that.'

I used to think the same thing tbh, but this last year DS has been a nightmare, hes' got worse, for the most part he's a good little boy and tantrums are usually in the house, but it's inevitable he has some out - this is usually because i've said no to something.

so if he lays on the floor (his silent tantrums) then I stand aside and leave him to it, (usually getting knowing looks from other parents and tuts from battleaxes old people) - but DS is in no trouble there, and also I know he's after a reaction as he looks up at me to see if i'm watching him!

if it's a noisey tantrum (as in a shop one day) i've been known to leave everything and just walk out of the shop - was the £1 shop and he wanted a toy I said no to.

Usually thou I think prevention is better to an extent - ie then DS starts to get roudy, I usually say 'oh DS mummy much prefers to hear your lovely singing voice, shall we sing?' and proceed to sing something in a stupid mannor so he's quiet and laughing, (I get odd looks but hey ho!) or I also say, quite voices indoors please DS and then get a gigle and whispers.

as others have said don't reward bad behaviour - i'm of the view to an extent that any reaction to it is what they're looking for so don't give it.

I do think to have a tantrum in one place then wait to get home to sort it properly isn't really fair on the child - every thing with me is done quickly and forgotten about, he'll have his hissy fit, i'll reprimand etc, and then we have a cuddles - ie mummys sorry for shouting (if I shouted) or DS is sorry for getting upset, cuddle then we go off again and he's laughing.

"Everyone, I'm NOT saying tantrums are BAD parenting. I am merely asking how you deal with them. Arrrrrgh! "

I think the point me and others are making is that it is NOT a matter of "dealing with them"

tantrums are often seen as bad behaviour, on a par with throwing stuff or hitting. But they are not the same. They are not deliberate. What does it really teach them to ignore their tantrums? That to be really, really, upset is unacceptable, that they will be ignored until they can control themselves?

If my dp was so incredibly angry that he was screaming and crying uncontrollably...I wouldn't ignore him, thats for sure. I'd want to help him deal with the onslaught of emotions if I could, be there with him if not...Nor would I punish him for being upset. I try to extend the same courtesy to my children.

I've never understood why tantrums are seen as an embarassment. Some young children feel things more deeply than others, some young children have less control over their emotions than others.

There is this odd belief that if you listen to children when they are tantrumming then they will do it all the time. I suspect that this will happen in only ONE situation-if you are ONLY listening to them if they tantrum. But if children are listened to anyway...why on earth would they tantrum simply to get their own way? Its not actually fun to have a tantrum.

'But if children are listened to anyway...why on earth would they tantrum simply to get their own way?'

in my DS's case it's not a case I don't listen to him, quite the opposite in fact, I perhaps try to hurry him along a bit when I could be slower doing things when in a rush, but his paddy's/tantrums if you like are when i've said no as in no you can't do X - ie go to the beach when it's hail stoning, or because i've said no he can't have a toy/treat/something or other when out, I try to say mummy doesn't have the pennies today but not always he'll go with that. He tantrums to get his own way showing his displeasure that i've said no and hoping i'll give in and change my mind.

so I think to say that as a blanket statement is a little unfair.

deffo gonna get that book from the library thou.

Where have you got all your knowledge from, Fillyjonk? Because I think some of it is a load of tripe.
The children I have seen tantrumming do so when they don't get what they want - as SPandex says, be it a toy, sweets or whatever..
And I doubt there are ANY parents - with the exception of yourself - who do not get embarrassed when their child tantrums in public places.

Hmmm, but the point is, it is actually ok to be cross because they can't have the toy - but obviously kids need to know how to acceptably express their emotions (not by hitting etc). Seriously, the book is great

I read the opening page thou n discussed with my mum who said I do validate DS's feelings, but then I said - how do you validate it when he says....

me - what would you like for tea (trying to stop the would you want as all I get back is I want I want I want!)

ds - cottage pie for tea.

me - serves up cottage pie.

ds - I don't like it.

me - (now this is the thing) are you suppose to say 'yes you do' which is dismissive of his feelings or do I say, why don't you like it??- the response being 'because I don't like it!!!'