How long does it take for older siblings to adjust to the arrival of a new baby?

[themothership]

Hi

Perhaps the answer depends on the age / each individual child but I'd be grateful if people could share their experiences. Dd1 is 3.5 years old, and generally such a well behaved, thoughtful child although can be rather excitable. She's only had tantrums (about 5 in total) since I became pregnant at the start of this year, and I feel that she's been quite affected by my pregnancy just in that she's very sensitive, we're very close etc. We've involved her in the new baby stuff - she came with me to the scans, antenatal visits etc. and at her age, we were able to talk about the new baby coming. She has been great and playing at doing things for the new baby for some time - e.g. every time she washes her hands, she then puts the plug in the sink and leaves a little water so that the baby can have a bath.

Anyway, the baby (dd2) finally arrived on Thursday. It was a lovely homebirth and quick, so dd1 was next door with our neighbours (who are also parents to her best friend and therefore know her really well) for a couple of hours at the most, and then back as soon as dd2 was out.

She's very proud of her new baby sister, and wants to hold her and involve her in things, but has also been acting up BIG TIME - throwing stuff down the stairs, deliberately doing things that she knows she's not supposed to do or ignoring us etc. I was expecting some kind of bad behaviour - of course its a big change, and we're doing our best not to detract from her routine, but at the moment I'm still too weak to go out with her etc. so dh has been doing all the toddler groups (dd1 is still at home full-time). I'm worrying about what it will be like when dh goes back to work and I'm on my own with both dd's especially is dd1 is being difficult.

Anyone got any advice, or any thoughts on how long I can expect this to go on for (it's got to stop surely?).

Thanks and sorry for the ramble!

err, this isn't going to be reassuring I'm afraid

8 yrs later, we are still waiting

there is 4.5 yrs between my two, and there is still a lot of jealousy and "you love him more than me" attitude

you just get used to it

For the first 6 months or so I felt things were very tense in my household. DS loved DD but also seemed stressed. Not the case anymore, he adores her, same can't be said for her feelings about him however which was a surprise to me! She at just one, tolerates her brother with occasional loving moments, DS is too much for her!

Do you know whether something changed Flossish - or was it just a matter of time?

Is it really all your dd? I found that after a new dc arrived I expected a lot more from the older ones overnight. Also because I was tired I didn't have the energy to act like the normal jolly me and went to shouting mode more quickly. I remember shouting at dd 'how old are you, act your age' and then remembering she was only just 4. Remember your dd is only 3.5 and still a baby herself!

Tips?....when ever you have vistors pass them the baby and take the chance to spend time with your dd. Try not to say I can't do X I'm busy with the baby, even if you are. The baby can wait, your dd probably can't! You can do lots of baby watching and fussing in the evening after your dd has gone to bed!

When your dh goes back to work make sure you get out. Everything always looks twice as bad at home on your own!

I found after a couple of weeks the older dc couldn't remember what it was like without the baby. I found the problem was when the little ones started to move (that's a whole different thread!)

Congratulations - hope things settle down quickly.

I think a lot of the behaviour is your dd wanting to make sure that although things have changed massively with the arrival of the baby, everything else - rules, routine etc. - is still the same. It may take a while. I think my dds took a couple of months to adjust to ds arriving, even though they were happy about having a new baby. The more consistent you are with your dd the quicker she will settle down.
She may well act up a bit more when your dh goes back to work. My dd2 used to always find something naughty to do (cutting her hair or drawing on the walls which she absolutely knows are not allowed) whenever I was feeding the baby. I figured that she was pushing me to see what it would take to stop me feeding. I never used to react until ds was finished. And eventually she realised that it was pointless and stopped. I used lots of kids tv and books which I would watch/read with the children and chat about with them at the same time as feeding which helped normalise everything for them.
Anyway, long story short, she may well continue to act up for a while, particularly when your dh goes back to work, but with a bit of patience and calm it should settle down within a few weeks.

My dd1 is 2, dd2 is 5 weeks, she acted up a bit in the first few days, same kinda things as your dd mothership. Best bit of advice I heard was to baby my older dd as much as she wants, so if she wants a dummy, or to sit in dd2's bouncy chair, then that's fine.

I find having an activity to do each dayhelps, obviously too early yet but when your dh goes back to work hopefully you'll feel up to it, it works wonders, dd2 sleeps, dd1 runs around and burns off energy. (Although it still takes me 3 hours to get out of the house!)

dd1 adores her sister now, I've just got a double buggy and she loves to hold dd2's hand, and stroke her face. I just hope it lasts!!

Yes, loler you're probably right - I realise that I do need to look at how I'm reacting to dd1 as well. And thanks too, YeahBut - I'm really confused about whether I should be setting firm boundaries or not rising to her behaviour, so your example about not reacting whilst you were feeding is really helpful.

And totally agree about the getting out the house. Just wish it wasn't such pants weather!

Thanks naturalblonder. Yes, I'm getting the sense that I'm going to have to get really good at planning ahead so we've got fun stuff lined up to do together and that she feels like she's getting quality time and attention.

ummm to be honest now dd2 is almost 22 months they have started playing together (but also physically fight as dd2 scratches dd1/pulls her hair and dd1 takes stuff off dd2)

But dd1 was a nightmare when dd2 arrived and probably about 3 weeks after dd2 arrived settled back down (funnily enough after dh went back to work and we got settled in our own routine)

My DD1 is 3.10 and DD2 is now 2 weeks old, so I'm not in a position to offer any long-term insights. But I would say that the first few days, when I stayed in all the time and DD1 hardly went out, made DD1 act up I think because she was going a bit stir crazy. Now that I'm able to walk her up to nursery and take her to the playground, she is absolutely fine. DH hasn't gone back to work yet, and I'm anticipating some problems at that point, but for now I think just making sure we all get out together and DD1 gets some exercise has worked wonders.

There's two years to the day between my two, and there was never a hint of discord between them initially, as it clearly never even occurred to DS that DD was any sort of threat to his natural place at the top of the tree. So he was patronisingly good to her and she followed him around adoringly like a little lamb. Until she hit 3, and learnt to say no. Whilst I wouldn't go so far as to say it's been hell ever since, it has nonetheless needed careful, and fair, handling.

I'd say the answer is: about 30 years.

Seriously though, my DS is 3 and DD now 11 months and some things have got easier. DS is used to her being around, but still gets jealous at the drop of a hat. One trick is to talk to the baby about how wonderful the older child is, so they both feel like they're getting attention, and to point out to the older one how the baby is watching him/wants to play with him/loves him, etc. I often read DS a story when DD is napping, so he gets some 1:1, but then he's sometimes worse after having me all to himself when DD is suddenly back on the scene again. And it's got more difficult now DD is mobile and can grab DS's toys and mess up his train track!

But it's worth it for the few moments when they make each other laugh and cuddle together...

Wishing you all the best.

Yes I felt with DS he was insanely jealous but I felt that he didn't ever realise it was DD he should be insanely jealous of. Bless him!

One thing worked well for me.....(though I detested it at the time as it turned life into a pantomime).

I talked to DS2 constantly saying "yes, I know you want to be big like DS1, you want to play with DS1, when you are bigger then you can do clever things like DS1. DS1 can ride a bike. Perhaps you will ride a bike too one day"

Obviously this was for DS1's ears. It worked very well because young babies don't understand specific language so you can get away with a lot of downright lies. DS1 felt he had a fan club so was very accepting. Didn't stop him waking up in the night though....

Buy a copy of "Siblings without Rivalry" without delay if you don't have one, btw. This taught me never to make the fatal mistake of telling DS1 how he ought to feel about DS2 ("You must love DS2"). Only to tell him that some actions were not acceptable (pushing).