DS1 (4yrs) Will Not Stop Hitting DS2 (2) Despite Rigorous Use of Time Out - What Am I Doing Wrong??????

[Highlander]

He's driving me nuts. I feel a complete failure; I'm raising a thug.

It's not too bad. He'll walk by DS1 and cannot just walk past him without whacking him or kicking him. He never 'lays into' DS2, it's just this single hit or kick, kinda like he's marking his territory or something.

Every morning we have the chat about hitting and kicking - how it is very bad, because we can hurt people. I ask him how he would feel if I hit him etc.

Literally 5 mins later, off he goes. he's had the chat and the warning, so it's 5 mins on the bottom of the stairs. Any screaming and we start again. We have another chat about hitting.

And so it goes on, all bloody day!

At nursery he's apparetnly a little angel.

I use the 5:1 ratio for positive:negative discipline, there's lots of cuddles, I make sure I give him lots of attention.

But clearly I'm doing somehting wrong..........

I think the only thing you're doing wrong is expecting time out to work the first time with a 4yo. As I used to mutter to myself as a mantra: "Child-reading is work in progress". It's not like you fix a light-fitting or a tap once and for all and it stays fixed. It's long tedious work. You could of course up the punishment stakes; perhaps by confiscating something he really likes. But I think the 5:1 ratio sounds good and that eventually he will get over his jealousy.

Are you me Highlander?

My boys are 4 and 2 and they fight all the damn time. Mostl though it is ds1 who starts by kicking, hitting ds2.

I have been using time out consistently sor nearly a year and it doesn't work.

Today they are suppoed to be going to a halloween party but as it stands at the moment ds1 wont be going becuse he is being a little sod.

I have no real advice for you but i will be watching this thread as i am sick of it!

Sorry should add, your not doing anything wrong at all, you are discaplining him fairly and consistently so don't feel like your failing in anyway.

Sounds well within the range of normal behaviour for a 4yo with a brother, I'm afraid. Don't do yourself down - he's clearly not a thug or you'd be hearing about it from nursery. Can only suggest you keep on going. However frustrating it is.

cory - I did actually start this thread with the thought that maybe the time out thing is wqrong. I vaguely remember a thread from a couple of weeks ago where parents were quite clear that they thought time out was a rubbish punishment.

What do you do?
Can you recommend some reading?

charlee - were you on the Sep 2004 board?

Highlander, I am in exactly the same boat as you!

I don't think there are any easy answers. It is within the normal range of behaviour for a toddler (esp a male toddler). Part of the solution is just managing your own expectations - which I find really hard - but I try not to get too annoyed by it.

The one thing I have found which does work (although even this isn't a magic wand) is constant praise for the oldler child. Makes them feel important and reassures them that they are loved. This works for me better than punishing for the bad behaviour.

LOL, DS1 is the same. he positively melts with pride when DH and I praise him

what about simply focussing on the hitee. "Oh dear has your big brother hit you again, thats not very nice, where does it hurt, why don't you come and play cars with your mummy"

Can you work on emphasising how important he is, how much you love him, and how proud you are that he is so kind to his little brother? Say (even if it's not true) that his little brother thinks he is wonderful and clever and wishes he was like him. Maybe even sympathise - tell him you know that little brothers can be annoying etc. Just try and set up a new dynamic, where he sees himself as the important, protective superhero to his little brother, who worships him in return? You could even call him his brother's superhero!

I too am Mom to 4 and 2 yr old boys.
Strangely, it's completely the other way round in our house.
DS2 is the thug, he practically rules the roost, his temper is so bad.

excellent suggestions!

Yes i was Highlander!

seems sooooo long ago!