I feel very depressed and sometimes regret having dd

[Benjy]

...I sometimes wish I didn't have to d this anymore. I know I might need help but my gp was wonderful and helped me through infertility. He was so happy for me when the drugs worked and I fell pregnant, I can't now go back and say I am depressed. Has anyone else felt almost like they regretted having their baby and does the feeling lift? As ridiculous as it sounds at the same time as feeling all this, I love her more than anyone and anything. I feel so confused. I will sometimes feel ok, almost happy, and a wave of anxiety and dread will come over me and my stomach lurches. I had this almost from the moment she was born though for the most part felt happy at that stage... the darker moods have come on over thelast couple of weeks (dd 15 weeks) When will this go?

Oh sweetie. You need to go and see your GP. Post natal depression is not your fault, no is the way you are feeling but you do need some help and support. Have you spoken to your husband/partner?

Benjy

I suffered from infertility. For two and a half years I dreamed about becoming pregnant, having a baby, and being a perfect parent.

When I finally got pregnant I was over the moon, and carried on which my dreams and expectations.

I created such a perfect world in my imagination, with me as such a perfect parent that once dd was born, there was just no way real life could match up to my expectations.

I spent the first year of her life teetering on the edge of post natal depression, with some really dark episodes of anxiety and fear. I felt so guilty about my mixed feelings towards this incredibly wanted child. At times, I just wanted my old life back, and to feel like me again.

After about 18 months, I finally started seeing a counsellor who helped me get things into perspective.

I wish that I had either seen a counsellor, or gone to see the GP sooner, rather than wasting that precious first year and a half.

Please go and see your GP. They will be able to help.

The trouble with overcoming infertility (as we did) is that you can be overwhelmed with guilt if you ever have negative feelings about your dc. (Although personally, I think I am fairly at peace with my negative feelings ).

Don't worry about getting help because of that - it's not at all uncommon.

You are not alone sweetheart. FOr the first 5 weeks of my DS coming into the world all I kept saying to myself was "What on earth have I done, Ive ruined my life". Again I read the books, had this ideal perfect "plan" on how life with baby would be.

It was Feb when he was born and snowed almost throughout the first few weeks, I was stuck indoors, hubby works shifts so after 2 weeks he was back to long long work patterns and night shifts. I remember crying as I did a night breast feed and saying to my baby "I do love you but I dont".

After 5 weeks this is what I did:

1. Found out about several Bump and Bab groups. Got myself ready every Wedn and got myself out there

1. Had a chat with the HV who visited me every week

1. Made contact with the Mums I'd met at my anit-natal group

1. The above group became close and would meet once a week with babies at each other houses or a cafe for coffee and once a month for a mums night out

I was on the verge of going to the Dr's but found that talking to my new friends and just turning up at baby groups talking to Mums with babies the same age did me the world of good....I couldnt believe that EVERYONE was feeling the same!

I felt normal and didnt feel so guilty for the feelings I had.

The first year I found extremely hard, I didnt particularly enjoy the baby stage but I got through it ... there are soooo many changes in that first year...just when you have a routine, something changes its all so overwhelming.

My LO is now 3.8 years, I adore him, love him more than I can say and I must admit those feelings have gone. Im not saying its going to take you years, but please talk about it to either your Dr, HV, or friends who are in the same situation.

I got through it by joining baby groups there are many around for newborns, by just chatting to mums .... please remember you are not on your own here

I hope I havent waffled on too long!

Sweetie, it is very early days; you are tired, some of the harder realities of the relentlessness of having a baby are starting to sink in. Added to which, it does sound like you might have PND.

You can get help; the anxiety and dread will subside; of course you love her so very much. Nothing you write is ridiculous. I think your GP sounds a marvellous and sensitive sort and will know that this is absolutely not unusual and not judge you in the slightest.

Thanks for your replies. I'm going to lots of mum and baby groups which is helping. I had a difficult birth, which has resulted in prolapse and also a bad tear that has over-healed which makes sex agony. I have seen the gp about these problems and have been referred to a gynaecologist, whom I am seeing at the end of this month. I really wanted to breastfeed but couldn't: my milk never came in. I have since discovered that this can happen in a third of women with PCOS which has helped me come to terms with it but I really wanted to do this and battled on for a couple of weeks trying to build up a milk supply. I avoided mums and babies for a while because I couldn't bear to see anyone else breastfeed: it hurt too much. I really grieved over it ffs. This was made worse because it seems likely dd has a lactose intolerance so the guilt over giving her formula has been immense. My once strong marriage is now under strain. I am not sure if the way I feel is PND because dd and I have bonded well. Anyway, the anxiety attacks are less frequent now so maybe I'm getting better on my own.

for you

You have had lots of knocks by the sound of it - fertility problems, difficult birth, physical problems post birth, struggles with feeding, worries with your DD.... any one of these would make anyones life miserable, and you've had them all. Give yourself permission to feel a bit rubbish about the hand that you've been dealt. I would say that bonding with your DD (whilst this is fab ) doesn't mean that you can't have PND. I knew that I loved both of my DS's to the ends of the earth, but sometimes wished I could go away and not do it anymore. Do talk to your GP or HV. Perhaps if you feel that you're on the way up, you might not need AD's, but some professional counselling, or just a sympathetic ear might really help you.

Bless you. I had a horrible experience breast feeding also, and this hugely affect the way I bonded with DS. I was also desperate to BF, but for many reasons, it didn't happen.

This coupled with your expectations, the trouble you had conceiving, your DD's lactose intolerance and what sounds scarily like PND, you are having a rough ride. Even though you have bonded with your DD, it can take many forms and it definitely sounds as though you have something like PND.

Please see your GP who can talk you through your options. It sounds as if s/he's really supportive, and they would be far more happy to know that you sought out support than to suffer in silence.

These are the most important weeks / months and can be a joy. Two of my best friends both really suffered with PND and both benefited hugely from their treatment.

Lots of love xx