DD - bright as a button but will not apply herself! - Parent Evening last night!

[MadameCastafiore]

So what do I do?

She is in year 4 - she is in top set for maths and has a reading age of a 12 year old but she will not apply herself to anything she doesn't like.

The teacher said she is settled well on her table and just likes being with her friends and she is thinking of moving her if she doesn't buck her ideas up.

This has finally got serious - the school are actually worried about her.

But do I stop TV and make her do the work at night that she doesn't do in class or is that being a bit harsh.

They said her grammer and spelling is appalling and it is very odd for someone who can read as well as she can to be so bad at those things. And she doesn't even know her 4 times table - she stands there and counts it off on her fingers - although she is a whizz at maths.

What do I do - get ultra hard and make her do stuff at night to catch up, threaten to stop her doing Brownies and Clarinet or hope that she will buck her ideas up on her own.

Everytime I try and speak to her about it she says that she doesn't know why she doesn't try and l double dutch.

HELP!!!!!

In the same boat I'm afraid. Year 4 as well.

"Oh Mrs Girlandboy, your son will only do the bare minimum to get by! He's obviously very capable, I don't know what the problem is?"

"I know" I replied "he says it's boring!"

I nag him.
Tell him it's necessary for him to pay attention and try harder.

All to no avail, because it's all BORING!!!!!

I'm hoping he'll grow out of it.

you can't force them - somehow you have to make them want to do it - somehow make it fun for them.

I'm inclined to think the time to turn up the pressure is when they are about 13 or so?

My ds1 is bright, he does enough to get by, he cruises basically. I think it's okay, I'm saving all the pressure and the 'you really must make more effort' for about Y8.

I have to say I also have an older dd who is in year 8. By the time they get to year 6, 99% of kids are all the same. They are all of a similar standard, perhaps the odd one shining above the others in a particular subject, but secondary school soon sorts them out.

My ds is extremely proficient at maths and just seems to "know" the answer without anyone teaching him. Literacy is a whole other ball game - it's just not interesting enough for him, so he does the bare minimum to get by. I work in a library, so I have no shortage of different books to show him, but he gives them a cursory glance and leaves them to one side.

However, I'm not particularly worried (just a bit frustrated) at his lack of interest in books/reading/writing. Maybe in a year or two he will have changed. My dd changed dramatically in her last year at primary.

Too be fair i don't know any adult that does more than the bare minium required not to get sacked so we shouldn't really be surprised.
They need motivating, my DD's motivation is/was if she pulls her socks up she'll go to grammar school and we can live by the sea, she's happy with that. You need to find the button for your child and press it, carrot not stick.

I went to awful schools and parents constantly told i didnt apply myself.At about 13or 14 got a long lecture about how all my brothers and sister would have degrees and i wouldnt.It clicked and am now a barrister.

you have to wait until they are about 13-14 - get them a really tedious Saturday job - and then tell them if they don't want to do that for the rest of their lives they need to apply themselves.

Bloody hell Beeny - can I send her to you for the next 15 years - would be mega impressed if I could say my daughter was a barrister!

I just want her to be able to have choices when she gets older - I didn't as parents would not fund college and uni and although I had a good job and got paid a lot it wasn;t something that I wanted to do.

maybe she ever wont, as long as shes happy, and not doing badly.. does it really matter..... maybe thats a bit contriversial. i dont know. I was/ am the same. I have NEVER worked hard or applied myself to anything. If something holds my interest then i will put in a bit of effort for a while. Im not stupid or lazy, and i still did well at school.I cant help it, its just the way i am. Im happy in my job, but one day a psychologist collegue ( who id only spoken to a few times ) came up to me and said ' when are you ever going to apply yourself, you are clearly very very bright and intelligent, please go and do something and use that brain of yours.) I was shocked and for a few days thought about it, but as yet have done nothing. But im happy, and that is the most important point.

I was your DD. If she's as similar to me as I think, she's bored and does not find the lessons challenging, so she kicks back and has fun (in her eyes) instead. What worked for me was a good teacher who made things come alive and plenty of activties to tire me out for the night time (no activities and I stayed awake all night).

I did not apply myself at all, only in lessons where I wanted to impress the teacher. I only revised for one GCSE because I knew I'd fail it if I didn't (physics),and I didn't work hard until uni where I chose the subject and really liked it. I was and still am a voracious reader, but read too fast out loud and stumbled as a result. I too, just 'knew' the maths answer, but had no idea how I'd got there, which was incredibly annoying when the maths got harder and I did not understand the method. What helped was my dad sitting with me and doing the maths out loud, so I understood how he'd got to the answer- same with chemical equations.

At more junior school my reports say I was bolshy and also lacked imagination, but at the same time day-dreamed too much. I am now a senior manager, in charge of 49 people. I still day dream (and quite enjoy it) I still read too fast and get side tracked dead easy (why I'm here, not working), but I have some pretty good and imaginative ideas for work! My advice, from the horses mouth is relax about it, show an interest in her work and help make it come alive and remember that something will interest her at some point and the light will come on. She's obviously intelligent, but can't be arsed- she'll get better- it may take 18 years like it did me!!

If the school can't fully engage her in learning, have they thought about getting specialist advice / EP involvement to understand what strategies they may need? Not fair to dump the 'problem' on you IMO.

oooh this sounds like me Seriously, i always had reports which said "x is a bright child who will never do more than is required of her, if she has alist of 20 maths questions and is asked to do 10, she will not even look at the 11th"

I flew through my gcse's (not with fantastic results, but then i never revised )struggled a little with my a'levels, went to university and gradualted with a 2:1 in Law, i am now a solicitor.

My parents were irritated beyond belief at my inability to work, but they always kept on about how bright i was, and how i could do anything i wanted to if i tried etc etc, and after realising (at a'level stage) that i actually might need to work occassionally, i tried a little harder (not a lot harder you understand, just a little )

good look with your dc.

Dontbitemytoes - sounds exactly like me too. I passed the 11+ without even realising, was obviously bright but lazy as f**k unless it was something that i was interested in. I too turned out OK - and have 9 O'levels (mostly As) 3 A'levels and all sorts of post school quals - though didn't go down the degree route (twas a very long time ago)

Sounds like me too.

I could only ever study in 10 minute blocks.

However, I've gone on to be deputy head of a school (which would really amuse my old teachers if they knew!).

I just wasn't interested when I was at school. I went back into education when I was 28 and really wanted to be a teacher.

And me too, really until the last few years. I don't know that you can really do much about it. I was never pushed to do more but really I don't think I would have responded well if I had been. I've wondered what I would do if dd is the same. Try and encorouge her and spark some natural interest I suppose. Other than that, it's got to be up to her.

Oh don't worry I come from a long line of bright low achievers. We are all blissfully happy though and reasonably well off. She will probably fall on her feet.

Lets face it academic work is dull dull dull

I think I would always do exactly the opposite of what my parents wanted but did secretly want them to be impressed- if she's intelligent then challenge her to think round the problem! or get her to think about what she wants from life in a scrap book with pics from magazines- you can make one for her budget working in maccy d's then compare. Everyones a consumer!! If they'd apply some relevant career advice at school- ie. a list of the blacklist jobs that won't pay your rent and a list of jobs that get you the latest mobile and a luxury jet I'd have been more focused I can tell you! Would love to see what she sticks in her scrap book! you could even help her add prices to each page to work out how much exactly she would need to earn (math can so be interesting!) Have fun xx

DS2 (yr4) - is the same, very bright and able, but not always willing and gets very bored, very easily.

it is sad isn't it - that even now in education we still fail to stimulate the bright ones - fail often to give them the interest to want to do something. We have never figured out a way of getting those ones off in a little group and doing something with them that sparks their imagination.

I was the same at school - and was aware by university that there are two types - the hard workers and the bright coasters - they end up with the same grade. My friend was the grafter - I was the coaster, we both envied each other. She wished she could do it with as little work as I did, I wished I could apply myself in the way she did.

Even now I still only apply myself in fits and starts - and once I have mastered something I get bored with it.

I think if I were you I would just talk to dd about how life works - how you can drift through, or be really focused, or somewhere between the two. Talk about what school is for, and what she can get out of it - and how that it is up to her in terms of how much she is willing to engage and think for herself.

Ask her about the things she doesn't like - is it because they aren't as easy for her ? Maybe she can come to view them as the challenge - the things worth working at - and the sense of satisfaction and achievement is so much more when it is something you didn't find easy.

My DS (year 3) is always very reluctant to try things he thinks he can't do - but if he does and cracks it - his grin is huge and his self confidence leaps.