How do you know when the time is right?

[falcon]

Warning much rambling contained within.

I've been thinking about this for some time and while I realise not all children are planned, when do you know that it's the right time to have a child?

I'm 24 now, currently in college and hoping to go to University next year to study for a PHD in forensic science.

I currently am sans children and I'd always thought of myself as becoming a mother by the time I was 26, at least I did until now.

I have fertility issues, and now I'm wondering if I should try to conceive/adopt now in my 20's when fertility is at it's peak, though how I'd cope with having a child and University I've no idea.

I've always had certain ideals in my mind for my future child., I want to be married, to have a good income and to send my child to a private school.

I don't want to give up on my education though, or risk doing so, and while I'd prefer to have a child before I'm 30 if I wait I could lessen my chances of conceiving if I do so.

Which would you do? Conceive now or soon while going through education and compromise on my ideals, which are actually pretty important to me, or wait until you finish your education increasing the risk that you won't be able to conceive?

I have quite severe PCOS.

I think if I were you I would get on with the PhD. Talk to your partner about ttc with the option of taking a year out for maternity with his financial support, and plan on doing both. If you have severe PCOS, you might need some help conceiving even now and if it takes a little time, you will need to be doing soemthing interesting to give you something else to think about (my dd is an IVF baby incidentally). Having a professional job while ttc, having treatment, pg etc is also stressful and in many ways a PhD is more flexible - as long as you can manage financially. That's my tuppance worth.

having done a biology phd and pcos...
what are your career plans after the phd?

is there a structured forensic scientist career for you, or would you be applying for two three-year postdocs followed by a lab head position which only 10% of postdocs manage?
because that career path stinks for child or even life incompatibility - i jacked it in and became a civil servant instead, but by 1-2 years into the phd i knew i wouldn't stay in science.

unless you have decent finding or high-earning partner i'd leave kids until after the phd, but maybe get referred to a specialist for their opinion first?

Hey guys ease up a bit on falcon, I wish EVERYONE would think this deeply about having kids! A nice lifestyle is not something to be scoffed at.

Falcon if I were YOU and obviously I am not so don't take my advice too seriously. I would get my phd first. Also you need to take extra extra good care of yourself for the next few years (well forever really), keep those carbs down, lots of veg and exercise and really kick that PCOS in the butt. I had my DS when I was 27 after waiting until everything was just "perfect" there is a perfect time IMO and it seems to me that you are not there yet. I have PCOS as well but can manage mine with diet/exercise.

I don't think it is silly to want a certain way of life for both you and your child and I congratulate you on planning this out - sometimes the best laid plans are thrown out the window, but it certainly doesn't hurt to have them. Having kid/s is HUGE and I don't care what anyone says it is a much bigger job for the woman most of the time.

Good luck and yes the reality of having a baby can be quite shocking, but it wasn't so hard for us cause we had all our ducks lined up just the way we wanted them.

I have PCOS, quite badly too.

We tried to conceive for over 18 months without luck, 3 months of Metformin got me pregnant with DS. We never dared hope it would happen, even our ob/gynae thought it unlikely that Metformin would help, but agreed to give it a shot. I was just about to start 3 months of Clomid, then try ICSI, then try IVF etc etc but it happened just like that.

I know it souns pretty harsh, but being coldly logical about it, even if you do need IVF 30 is not late. Why not agree a timescale when you will simply stop using contraception, and then you can legimately tell a doctor you have been trying for x years if you need to start interventions.

Good luck - I don't think there's anything wrong with thinking about this stuff in advance - too many people don't think about it at all.

Everyone has plans prior to having children but it usually goes out the window with the placenta when reality hits home

my friend has severe opcos btw. She has had 2 children naturally, but spread out without any intervention at all. She has been happily married to the same man throughout that time though

Everyone has plans prior to having children but it usually goes out the window with the placenta when reality hits home

my friend has severe opcos btw. She has had 2 children naturally, but spread out without any intervention at all. She has been happily married to the same man throughout that time though

I think - as you have said - you need to talk to the doctor about how soon you "need" to have children.

Doing a phd is hard. Having children is hard. Doing what I did and getting pregnant (accidentally) in the first month of my phd and then choosing to have a second baby in the last year of said phd is complete madness lol.

However it is dooable if you are prepared to sleep very little and work very hard.

You are young and have plenty of time for children if your fertility can wait. However I would choose my children a million times over my phd.

Saying that doing a phd is much more flexible - depending on your area and whether you need to be lab based - than many jobs. I can work from home, on a train, in starbucks, in the middle of the night...whenever. However the only days I have had "off" in the last 3 years - and by "off" I mean child free were in the week or so before I gave birth this time around and DS was still at nursery. If someone has the children or they are sleeping I have to work.

I also have to work on top of my phd in order to pay for childcare - you get no help at post grad level.

DD is now 6 weeks old and I am working on my laptop whilst she breastfeeds after about 4 hours sleep last night. I have no choice but I would not swap either - just understand doing both at the same time is very very hard and you have to really want the phd.

I also worry about what will happen in the short term when in between submission and getting a job - which even with a phd in health psychology has very limited options if I want to stay in academia.

If you want to talk about the practicalities of study and children why not pop over to student parents- we have a phd thread there.

I understand your concerns about sending your children to private school - I would if I could - but if it comes down to it Im presuming you would have a child and send them to the local school. Without fertility issues I would say get your phd and then think about children - you need to sort this fertility issue first I think

xxx

Do your PHD first.

I know it's not what you want to read, but worst case scenario - you could jack it in, not be able to conceive and end up with no baby and no decent job prospects either.

At least if you finish PHD you will have your education/career as a starting point, and as you won't be too old will hopefully not have too much trouble conceiving. If the worst comes to the worst, at least you will have a career with (I presume) a decent income, which will help fund fertility treatment if needs be.

I felt ancient at 24 - now I'm 33 I wish I'd realised how young I was and not been as tied down as I was (no kids but mortgage and fiance since just turned 21). I also speak as someone who went back to full time study 5 years after initally packing up to get a job. It's not easy to return to later, even short term and without kids, and puts you way behind the rest of your peer group.

Best of luck, though with whatever you decide.

If you had to could you take a year or two out from your PHD and then go back to it when it suited you? Maybe then you could start the PHD and try for a baby. If you conceive and find you want to take time out before or after the birth then perhaps you could have a 'sabatical'.

As far as private school goes, maybe you could try moving close to a good state school so that if you can't afford private school fees your child would at least go to a good state school. Plenty of people who go to state schools do very well in life.

Was just wondering how you would give a 4 year old the 'option' of deciding whether to go to private or state pre-school? I would have also thought a 10 year old, if given the option, would probably want to go to a school that all their friends were going to (kids of that age don't tend to think long-term, just what's cool)