Otherwise lovely 2-year-old, randomly very aggressive to other toddlers, very embarassed and stressed - pleeese help!

[Heather1977]

My ds is 2 and usually a lovely boy - I work part time and spend each afternoon with him and mornings he is at nursery. He is very funny, friendly and affectionate.
BUT with other toddlers (apart from the ones at nursery) he is really aggressive. We were at the zoo last week and he randomly went over to a little girl and pushed her on the floor. He hits children at supermarkets and bites and hits my friends children when they come to play. It´s not usually linked to anything, like jealous of my attention, just comes out of nowhere.
This has been going on for a long time now - at least 6 months, we talk to him firmly and calmly about it, give him time outs and he always says sorry but never changes his behaviour. I´m beginning to get so ashamed of it and nervous when we are out and about bc he is really hurts other children.
The only theory I have is that he is bilingual and taking a lot longer to talk - I have been told that because he is being overwhelmed by lots of feelings and emotions, he is much more physical in the ways he expresses himself but that still doesn´t explain the violence!
Does anyone have any words of wisdom??

Is there any way that you can predict when one of these outbursts is going to happen?

The other thing to try to do is to really give the hurt child all of your attention.

As far as the language issue is concerned, a book that I was recommended by other MNers is this one:
www.amazon.co.uk/BabyTalk-Sally-Ward/dp/0099297205/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1224588562&sr=8-4

I don't think it matters particularly what language you use, it is a question of using that language on a level, and doing activities, that encourages your child to talk themselves.

We moved abroad when ds was 2.5 and he was more physical with the children in his nursery than he had been in the UK and I attribute that to the fact that he found the inability to communicate in their language very frustrating. So I would agree that you need to work on improving your child's ability to communicate with those around him and at the same time remain consistent in your response to his "violence".

I don't have any advice I'm afraid but thought I'd show you some support! Have to say though that in my experience little boys are a lot more physical with regards to pushing etc than girls tend to be. We go to one toddler group which by a weird coincedence is all boys. There is a lot of rough and tumble, wrestling, pushing etc. However as all the boys (2yrs and up) have known eachother sine a few weeks old they just all get on with it. If my ds tries to rough and tumble with his girl friends I tell him they dont like it and he can only do that with daddy,josh etc

I know I havnt helped sorry!

Just want to say that my son has been pushed a few times in the playground by other toddlers, completely out of the blue, and I think that most mums understand and will not hold it against you. As long as you do something about it.

I completley agree that you should give all your attention to the other child - the one that was hurt.

my ds is the same especially with children younger than himself though he doesn't bite (yet). He is very loving and friendly normally and it comes out of nowhere. At most groups I watch him like a hawk to try and anticipate his behaviour. When he is with children he knows well he doesn't do it.

I had one mother guard her ds at gym the other week when my ds was close

It does tend to be a boy thing.

am going to contradict the boy theory... my ds's best friend (angelic looking little girl) went through phase when she would hit/bite/gauge other children completely randomly....

It seemed to be linked to arrival of her little brother. so yes - inner anger might be to blame (and could be in your son's case too?)

point I wanted to make was that it stopped as suddenly as it started - v distressing for all while it lasted but has had no lasting impact on her or her relationship with other children. so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

(her Mum's approach was to try to carry on as normal and just stay close to her to intervene quickly. think that's all you can do really....)

Thanks all for the advice - giving the child who has been pushed all the attention really makes sense as sometimes I suspect my ds is enjoying all the attention he gets when he has been naughty, so thanks for that and I will definitely put it into practice!
I am particularly worried as I have another baby on the way, due in Feb, but luckily today at nursery he was kissing and stroking another baby´s face so hopefully he will be nice to his new little brother when he arrives!