Am I Mrs. Angry?

[baltimore97]

DH told me today that he is "fed up" with me getting angry with DD1, and compared me to a husband who beats his wife when I said that sometimes I just couldn't help it as DD1 winds me up so much.

DD1 is winding me up terribly at the moment. SHe is 2.4 and is very crotchety as she refuses to have a lunchtime nap although plainly in need of it. She is grumpy all the time. She won't play on her own for more than 5mins and will just shout "mummy" until I come and play with her, even if I am in the same room. If she wants something she will repeat her request ad nauseum until she gets it (or throw a tantrum if she doesn't). Even if I have promised that I will do something (ie put a DVD on) she will carry on about it - I also have 6mths old DD so cannot always do something instantly. About once a day I get a bit angry with her, raising my voice slightly and saying no, she has to wait a bit.

This morning I got irritated when she woke up at 6.15am and had a tantrum because I wanted her to play on her own with her toys until a more decent hour.

I know this is all fairly standard toddler behaviour - does it push other parents to their limit, or am I an irrational harpie as my DH would have me believe?

It makes me even angrier, when all he does is tell me I should have the patience of a saint and never EVER raise my voice to DD1. Some sympathy would be appreciated!

I find my DS1 challenging sometimes- it depends what you're doing when you're 'wound up', if you shout a bit and huff, then it's not so bad. If you're screaming and throwing things, clearly that's a bit much!

It's hard though. My DH is much more patient than me, but i've calmly told him a few times 'I am not you, i don't react the same way because i'm a different person, you need to respect that' etc.

I find distraction works sometimes, failing that i put the TV on and retreat to the kitchen to find something to do until either DS1 has stopped screaming / throwing things / nagging, or i've stopped feeling ready to explode!

depends what you mean by angry.but yes todlers now what buttons to press.id be bit cross at your dh though-surely it would be better for you and him to sit and say this makes me cross/this is hard etc and this might help iyswim?

Tatoo - I just shout a bit and huff. Certainly no banshee screaming and throwing things!

Cheese - I've tried to explain to DH how it makes me cross and why, but he just tells me I'm unreasonable and should get a grip.

Glad to know I'm not alone.

My dd 2.6years vocab only consists of 'Mummy?...' and 'Can I have... ta thank you.' She dissolves into wailing tears whenever expected to do such horrifying tasks such as being dressed, eat a meal, or heaven forbid, go downstairs rather than be carried. She is alomost permanently attached to my legs of in my arms.

Wits end.
I shouted - I NEVER shout.
I cried.
Bad day.
Nuff said.

You are not alone!

Does dh do his share of looking after the kids and home? In an equal partnership I think there is a role for parents tipping each other the wink if they think their partner is being a bit unfair to one or other child occasionally. (We all have our moments when we are tired and stressed or simply finding one or other child quite hard work and don't parent as we would on good day, after all.) However, I would be livid with my partner if he saw that I was at the end of my tether temper wise and carped on about it without offering me help and sympathy and support and taking over while I collected myself and maybe had a bit of a rest. I would also be pissed off if I lost it a little bit and he made a big issue of it when it was a minor slip up that could easily be smoothed over. So either way I think your dh is in the wrong!

I shout and I have bad days and good. Sometimes I just get to the end of my tether. I have three DDs and last two are two years apart. Neither naps anymore and after a whole day of demands, whinging and moaning and a few tantrums each I can lose my rag. DP is not at home all day and does not have the cummulative effect of all of the crap.Most of the time he is understanding and comes home and takes them away up to bed but on odd occasion he has criticised my temper I point this out to him. Its not something Im happy about but think is understandable. It is hard work

yanbu; dd is 23m and she is just hitting the toddler tantrumming stage big style! yesterday she spent the majority of her tea time wailing and shrieking because she had stuffed far too much cheese sandwich in her mouth and was, well, furious... and it resulted in a muffled sort of screeching and wailing! Conversation usually goes 'mummy...' 'yes?' 'mummy...' 'yes?' 'mummy...' 'yes?' 'mummy...' repeat again and again and you get the idea! This is a pleasant conversation, she shrieks hystericaly if i wonder off to do anything, but rbs off if i want to put her coat on or shes or get ready to go anywhere... dh is on hol and to say its an eye opener for him is an understatement! Every time he hears her cream he pops his head round the door to say 'whats happened, what's wrong?' and is genuinley unable to comprehend that dd can flip for no logical reason and that she can be a stubborn madam just for the sake of it. If i go out you can see his heart sink when he realises that he'll have to look after her by himself. Usually i come back to find reinforcements have beecn called in!!!

I don't usually go for parenting books, self help stuff, but i did read the 'toddler taming' book, and whilst most of it is common sense, a god point in it was that up to about 2 - 2.5, a lot of toddler tantrums are frustration rather than miniture menaces! also, try to pick your battles: if its not worth losing your rag over every singe thing they do that drives you up the wall: pick out what's really important to you that your dc must learn 'no means no' for and ignore whats not then end of the world to ignore, just to give yourself a break, if nothing else! You feel rotten sometimes, don't you, when you realise you've spent most of the day saying no or shouting or telling them off!

But maybe letting your dh look after your dc for a couple of days from start till finish with no help might just get him to put his opinion f you being like a wife beater into perspective!!!!

You are not alone

I would not describe myself as 'having a temper' if i was talking about me pre-children, but now i'm ashamed to say i do
ds1 (2.5) can drive me crazy in the space of a millisecond!
the other day he was being told off and was laughing at me - that tipped me right over the edge, he got put in room with gate shut, all toys thrown out of room (so i guess i do 'throw things'!) and door slammed.
then he cried.
and i felt like the worst mother in the world

so we made up and all was fine.
and he still asks for me over daddy at the moment (was a total daddy's boy until recently) so i think i'm forgiven...

my dh made a similar comment about me getting cross in front of the DCs and i (calmly!) pointed out that he hasn't been subjected to the torture of sleep deprivation for over a year (ds2 9mo still not sleeping consistently + end of pg). he works away during the week and gets mon, tues & wed normally to sleep undisturbed
i'm almost tempted to get a job somewhere else to have that luxury (dh can take over the bf ).

nor sure how we would cope without Cbeebies

You might want to point out to your dh that all husbands get angry with their wives from time to time (also vice versa). The difference with abusive husbands is that they...well, abuse.

If you are not abusing your ds - hitting him, hurting him in other ways, regularly frightening him - then you are probably ok.

YANBU
IMHO

As has already been said, if your DH spent all day with your DD he would probably feel the same way, 2.6 ish is an incredibly tiresome, difficult age.
You are not the only one.

YANBU

I think you need a day away and let your dh get on with it and i bet he will have shouted once during that day.

If you do go out for the day leave a list of the things that need doing that day over and above looking after dd. It is the only way he wll understand how hard it is to all what you need to do as well as looking after a demanding 2.4yr old.

This was me last year and it does get easier.
I agree with others, he should step in if he sees you've had enough (and you have to let him) also, he needs to have both DCs for a day now and then to see what its like.

Sorry I was away for a while - thought the thread had died!

Thanks for all your supportive comments. I'm really glad that many other people's toddlers push their buttons too. And thanks for the link, fearless, I'll have a look.

Thing is DH DID look after both of them recently for a few days while I was away - only he had his mum and sister to help him. He thinks this was equivalent to being on his own with them, and now thinks he is within his rights to lecture me on how impatient I am!

You have just described my DS1 and me... I hate it when I shout at him, but I have 9 month old DTs as well, and sometimes both of them are screaming and I am trying to change a stinky nappy and DS1 just keeps saying "I want Balamory" "I want Balamory" "I want Balamory" over and over and over. I say "in a minute DS1 I'm just finishing this" and he carries on repeating himself, getting a bit louder each time, eventually I flip and say "for god's sake DS1, if you carry on saying that you wont get any television at all until tomorrow" etc etc.

Then I realise that he only wanted his tv prog, and he is only 2, and I feel bad that I have shouted at him, and it was only because the babies have got me riled by screaming so much.

Likewise he gets up too early in the morning, refuses to try to go back to sleep when I go in at 6am to tell him it is the middle of the night, and he is then crotchety all morning as he is tired.

I hate shouting at him (and DTs), I had got a lot better at being less shouty, but god it is hard to control the shouting when things are really mad.

I do save my worst shoutiness for when DH is not around though.

baltimore just read your last post. I left DH with DTs on his own for 24 hours from 7pm on Friday night, and when I got back he said "it really wasn't too hard".

Aherm

1. I took DS1 with me, so he only had babies.
2. His mum came and stayed over and helped.
3. I had to write a timetable of when they have milk / food, what to give them, when they normally sleep etc etc.
4. I got them fed and ready for bed on Friday night, and was back in time to get them ready for bed again on Saturday night.

One day I think I will just book myself into a hotel one night and leave him with all three for 24 hours and then see how he finds it.

Egg - that's my plan for next year! - once i've stopped bf i plan to be away as often as i can arrange it, lol

I shout at my DS who is 4 sometimes: small children are hard work and my ongoing financial stress ('Oh, we haven't sent the cheque out yet because you're not a priority creditor') makes my fuse a bit shorter. I just try to make every day a new start and remind myself that DS is bright, happy, affectionate and even when he and I do fall out over something we are friends again a few minutes later.
But your DH is acting like a prat: is he one of these men who think that women exist to service men and their children? How much actual free time do you get a week?

Egg, "I want Balamory" x100 is a common refrain in our house too and it has made me flip...

Solid Gold, in other ways, my DH is really great around the house. He cooks dinner a few times a week, he tidies up quite a bit, he does the weekend shop with DD1 in tow, and he even irons his own shirts! But in other ways he is pretty bad. Hoovering, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, and all childcare (feeding, nappies, dressing them etc) seems to fall to me. He also thinks that DIY is "housework" and thereby excuses him from EVER cleaning the loo etc.

The situation is also made worse by the fact that, although I am on one year's maternity leave at present, I have the kind of job that never goes away, so I have ongoing projects that I am having to do whilst "on leave." I do have 1 1/2 hours to myself every evening, but that is about it.