Are parents more comfortable having a child that bullies than a child that is bullied?

[Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm]

I'm talking about small children (3ish), so the word bullying is possibly a bit extreme, I guess I mean excluding, bossing and being mean, but for the purposes of the post I'll refer to it as bullying.
I wondered, because it struck me that I haven't read (any) many threads on here from the parent of a dc talking about how dc is mean to their friends or is a bully. I could be completely wrong, there might be loads, but I don't remember seeing them. Is it because parents don't notice that their dc are being mean to other dc, or are their some parents who are relieved that their child is not being bullied or left out and would prefer they were the bully than the bullied.
Not cruising for a row btw, just genuinely interested.
I would NEVER want my child to be bullied, but I find that the parents of the bullying dc can often have a sort of smugness to them as they ask their 'alpha' dc not to be mean or exclude other children.
Just trying to understand.

my dd isn't exactly bullied by her friend, and they play OK sometimes, although friend is v bossy, but if there's someone else to play with, dds friend screams when dd comes near, tells dd she can't play, says she doesn't like dd, screams blue murder if dd plays with one of the things she wanted to play with, and tries to make sure dd is excluded, if dd is playing with other child she pushes dd away. It's very tiresome.
the parent asks child not to be mean to dd but allows a lot of bad behaviour because she is afraid of a tantrum.
I wouldn't change a thing about my dd, but it breaks my heart when she is excluded, and I don't think other parent is anywhere near as mortified by her dds mean behaviour as I am by my dd being on the brunt of it iykwim

I have read loads of posts on here about parents worrying about their children's behaviour towards other children. Perhaps I need to get out more....

My children have tended more towards the receiving end, which I have been quietly grateful for. Why would you want to be the one cringing over your child's behaviour. The mother of the little boy who used to bite ds at the CM was frequently in tears over it. Though it never occurred to me to think of her boy as a bully. I was upset and worried too, but nowhere near as upset as she was.

OK, the sort of 'bullying' I'm talking about is perhaps a more girl sort of thing, where one child in particular is picked on, excluded, bossed about by and bitched to and about by another child. I have seen LOADS of posts on here saying that a dc is being treated in these ways by another, but I can't find any where someone has said that they are upset that their dc is being mean in these ways. I sughgest it is because people with children who behave in these unpleasant ways are in denial about how bloody awful their dc are behaving, or they are glad that their dc are displaying alpha type tendancies and are pleased their dc is not a victim, or that they are frightened of upsetting their dreadful dc so don't bother dealing with it properly.
I'm not really talking about your standard toddler violence unless it is directed at one child only, violence is so much less psychological and imo less complicated.
I have in the past dealt with one of my dc who regularly pushed and bit, and it was awful, I hated that dc did it.

I have come across 2 girls in my dd's school career so far who behaved as you describe hm.

In both cases the parents were adamant that it was their child who was being bullied by everyone else.

The parents of those two children were not happy unless their dd's got their own way all the time.

Hell no but at 3 are they bullying?

where are those parents then cammelia? Are there NONE on mn?
It's so bizaar the parents actually wanting the dc to get their own way when that is the root of the problem, idiots! In the case I am talking about with my dc, the parent is bacoming frightened of her dc so is just sanctioning the behaviour atm, but can't help feeling like she's happy that her dc is never excluded, and is at the centre of all acvtivities.

no ginger they're not actually bullying, but hard to find a word to describe iykwim.

I know a mother of a bully (he's six) andshe does talk about 'alpha' male and how big, tall and strong he is. She encourages selfish and rough play in sports, it's quite horrid.

I know someone like that too twelvelegs. she'll get the child she deserves!

DS1 was not a bully, but he was a biter. IME it was just as bad to the mother of the biter as the bitee (I know this, as DS2 was just as likely to be a victim as any child at nursery).

'OK, the sort of 'bullying' I'm talking about is perhaps a more girl sort of thing, where one child in particular is picked on, excluded, bossed about by and bitched to and about by another child. '

That seems pretty sophisticated for a 3 year old though. Maybe I'm deluded. I've also seen lots of threads with people dispairing of their DC behaviour so I don't think everyone is smug.

My DD is 2 and currenty going through a hitting, pushing and biting phase. I'm struggling knowing how to handle it TBH but I feel anything but smug about it. My friend is very matter of fact, just ignore it she says, my DD will hit her back. I don't think she's being smug either I think she just sees it more of a phase that they'll grow out of rather than the need to discipline it out of them.

Thuink that's the problem in our case, the little girl is advanced, she's very sophisticated, can be very manipulative, weird as if I didn't know her, I would deffo say that at 3 yo children aren't manipulative, mine is years away from being able to be manipulative, buit in this case!

I understand kids go through phases of biting, hitting etc but I cannot stand it when a parent fails to deal with it effectively. Some parents can only see things from their child's point of view and it doesn't help the poor victim when the aggressor is smugly told; "oh no don't do that darling, you really are being cheeky today aren't you."
In the end the 'bully' loses out, I think, as other parents are reluctant to let their kids play with them for fear of spending the entire afternoon pretending they don't care when their kids is bitten, hit with toys and told 'i'm going to slice your elbow off,' by devil child.
There is one child who makes a beeline for my toddler at playgroup and will grab her hair, hit her and punch her. The mother is usually too busy chatting to intervene - or as happened last time, will take her into the kitchen to give her a biscuit.
I think I might take a leaf out of my German friend's book and next time shout, "No!" and see what response I get.

God DS was an utter thug from about 2 to 3, I used to spend the entire time at M&T groups dragging him off other kids, making him apologise/share toys etc

I have no idea what caused it, nor do I really understand why he stopped of his own accord after a year.

He was v. embarrassing at the time but it didn't last for long.

mumblechum thats the difference you tried to deal with it making him say sorry and dragging him of others

Some of these parents pretend its not happening that they didnt see it or it wasnt my "angel".

Its the lack of acknowledgement of what "angel" did that pisses me off

Maybe they don't talk about it on here because they are embarrassed.

Ok, firstly, 'bullying' isn't a word I would use at all - not ever - for youjng children, but that aside...

I have a 3.7 yr old who is very big for his age, very forthright and bossy, a complete chatterbox, always wants to lead play, often gets a bit rough etc

I am proud of his enthusiasm, energy and all the wonderful things he can do...

However, I have spent the last 2 years roughly worrying at every single social occasion that he is going to hurt another child or that I am going to get a parent coming up to me complaining about my son's behaviour. It has happened loads, actually. I only go to softplay if I ma in a very brave mood

I don't think many parents genuinely do ignore their children's bad behaviour. I do think people have very different ideas about what is a 'normal' and acceptable way to behave for a young child and that their ideas are very often informed by what their own children are like.

I know I certainly don't jump in at the first moment DS takes a bit of a knock - maybe because he is so big and strong and I am used to him falling about and taking the odd dig or doling one out . Sometimes I am surprised by the preciousness of other parents - 'your little boy just bumped into my little girl on the slide' etc Oh FGS!

On the other hand, if my son is behaving inappropriately and I haven't noticed (rare - I have eyes in the back of my head). tell me. or say something to him yourself. I have no problem with other adults pointing out bad behaviour to my kids.

Nicky, under those circumstances I absolutely would say no to the other child or remove mine from the fray. I don't think we have a right to grumble about it if we don't challenge it. If I don't see DD hit or whatever, I'd expect the person who had to either tell me or tell her. Sitting watching and not doing anything isn't right either.

I think this is similar to a thread recently where people were really disagreeing about how to discipline young children. If I'm honest I've never come across anyone who isn't willing to discipline a child in some way, their approach may be different to mine but they're doing it in their way. It may be frustrating if you feel you're stricter with your children but really it's up to every parent to discipline how they see fit. I would however, step in if I saw children being hurtful to one another, regardless of who they belonged to. You can do this and be gentle at the same time.

Sorry a bit of a ramble!

Hmmmmm... Could there be a big differrnetce between boys and girls? I have two boys, and what I see is that some parents are clearly proud of boistrous behaviour in boys, look smug if their child can run faster/jump higher/elbow their way in queues, go up the slide in the park/go really fast on the roundabouts, etc. One of my girlfriend has a little boy same age as my DS1 and I have stopped seing them because she was so clearly proud that her son was stronger than mine, and I did feel that my DS was being bullied (for example, the other boy taking a toy from my DS and running as fast as he could, and my DS not being able to catch him and cry, and the other parent and child laughing!!). so I think that some parents have very strange attitudes, even with very young children. I sometimes think that bullying is a behaviour learned at home.

I have seen evidence of what you say there, blueberrypancake.

What's really is that one day the bigger, faster, stronger etc child comes across someone who can run faster than him etc and the parent then believes that their dc is being "bullied" by the new child!

I had this with a girl who was used to being the fastest swimmer in her peer group, until she swam against my dd. Then it became that my dd was "vibing" her dd out or that my dd must be having "extra coaching". It would have been funny if it hadn't been so pathetic.