I have no way of getting my 2-year-old's attention. I feel impotent as a parent.

[BroccoliSpears]

I just wrote a really long post all about the ins and outs of dd's behaviour. When I read it I realised that I was just describing a normal 2-year-old. She is utterly relentless. She is bright, a bit spoiled, and very unsettled by various big changes in our lives at the moment.

I am being as reassuring and consistant as I can be (I do sometimes feel that it would be perfectly possible to be cross with her every waking moment of the day ) but sometimes she just goes too far and I have to let her know that her behaviour is unacceptable. But how?

Absolutely nothing I do gets her attention. She seems incapable of grasping the concept that me being unhappy about something she has done is a bad thing. Am I expecting too much of her? She is 2.4.

I feel really shitty about how much I'm not enjoying spending time with her at the moment. It's not her fault - she's just being two. I feel guilty.

She just doesn't seem to mind any consequences.

I take away her toy and she doesn't mind.

I get cross and she doesn't mind.

I put her in her room and she doesn't mind.

She's a cheerful little soul really. I do just find myself wishing that sometimes she would be upset that I'd taken her toy away and then make the connection that drawing on the walls = me confiscating her crayons = her feeling sad = don't draw on the walls next time.

I think perhaps you are expecting too much.

Concentrate on getting your way: make her walk where you want her to go, take things away from her that she is not allowed to have, lift her up and remove her from a situation which is getting out of control - but don't expect much of a conscience from a 2yo; they're little anarchists at that age.

If you think about it, the odds are still stacked heavily on your side: you are bigger and stronger and more experienced and you're the one with the credit card!

Chances are you will win- doesn't matter if she feels good or bad about it

She will develop more of a conscience and more of a desire to please eventually.

Anarchists is right! It's the mindless vandalism that gets to me.

I suppose the trouble with getting my own way is that is is ALWAYS a big battle. Just everything is a battle at the moment. I feel like we never have any nice times together any more because all I do is Strict Firm Voice and all she does is whine. It makes me want to throw all the rules out of the window and take her to live on a desert island where there is nothing she can destroy, and I have all the time in the world to spend with her.

Oh I have days like this with DS. He is 'wilful' to say the least. I repeat to myself 'he is just 2, he is just 2....'

I am no expert but this is what I do to handle his unacceptable behavour:

• I always try to explain first. 'No you can't have the glass because you will hurt yourself.'

• Tell him off in a loud voice as in 'Mummy really doesn't like that (being kicked in the shins!)'.

• Put him in his cotbed for a minute if he persists with doing something (climbing dangerously on his bedroom drawers).

• I have also been known (twice) to put toys in the bin (after 2 warnings and only little ones eg: a crayon) when he was misbehaving with that toy (drawing on the kitchen cupboards because I was busy cooking)

• If it is something that I can take charge of then I do (eg: I just take things off him if he shouldn't have them but explain why).

Nearly everytime after I have told him off etc. I distract and try and start something new.

I sound like a right old cow writing this down, but I believe that he understands a lot more than anybody else gives him credit for and IMO his behaviour needs to be moulded now. I also find that keeping him busy and letting him run off his enegy improves his behaviour and keeps me sane.

That's pretty much my approach MammyofET.

The only thing that does work is taking her comfort blanket away. I've only done that twice though, and felt really horrible about doing it.

Oh Broccoli, I could've written your post word for word. My DD (now 3) was exactly the same at that age. I used to feel that my job was just cooking and cleaning because none of my attempts at behaviour molding amounted to anything.

DD is also very bright and a bit spoiled and, to be honest, I think you are probably expecting too much of her. I find it very easy to lose sight of how little she really is. I think she's quite grown up and should "get" these things and then I look at other children her age and realise they are all still awfully wee.

If it's any consolation, at 3 she is starting to grasp consequences and will do a lot of things she wouldn't have done six months ago.

She is far too young to take responsibility for your emotions. But I do sympathise re the vandalism. My dd was drawing with a felt tip. I left the room for less than five mins, and she whizzed round in a huge circle wih the pen - black lines on the sofa, all the cushions, curtains and even the wall. I went absolutely MAD! Then I remembered I had been sensible enough to only buy washable pens so calmed down a bit.

I meant to add, and I too feel guilty, constantly. It is relentless (I also have a 7.5mth old DD), and I often feel like a cow and a bully who expects far too much. You are not alone.

I think I probably found this website on MN, but whenever I feel I'm losing it I try to remember to look at it:

www.magicalchildhood.com/index2.htm

It is a bit twee American in parts, but there's an article where she talks about being your toddler's guide through life and remembering that sometimes helps me to be a nicer mummy. Sometimes. When I'm not screaming like a fishwife.

I can't remember what age it is that they develop the ability to know that the way they look at the world is not the way everyone else looks at it, but I'm pretty sure it's older than 2.4

That means that you being angry with her is completely meaningless to her - she will not understand that your anger is a consequence of her action.

That's why people go on so much about distraction, managing the environment, routine, not too much stimulation etc etc, because two year olds can't really regulate their behaviour for themselves very well - they just don't really understand consequences.

I also think you're probably expecting too much. DS is 27 months and he has no idea that what he is doing is wrong or annoying. It is quite hilarious because he will tell me literally his naughty intentions. Eg, I'll ask 'what are you doing ds?' and he'll reply 'breaking the DVD/computer/plate/book!' or 'pulling mummy's hair!' Last night he was pouring his drink (deliberately) all over his dinner so we took it away. He then asked for it back and dh was about to refill when I asked ds if he was going to drink it or pour it. 'Pour it', he said as if it was obvious. So, no cup for him.

Hmmm, now that I've written that down I wonder if it's normal....? Maybe we should be stricter...

Thank you all.

We are having a better day today I think. Venting on here yesterday helped.

ttl - interesting point. She is absolutely honest about her actions ("Why is your baby brother crying?" "Because I hit him, with this spoon!") which of course means she doesn't understand that doing some things is wrong.

I suppose I get fooled into thinking she is so grown up these days. She is still a baby really.

That's a whole other post - she is insisting on being a baby recently. After 3 months of being potty trained she is back in nappies. She wants to sleep in a baby gro. She would be back in her cot if it hadn't been dismantled. She lies under the baby mobile kicking her legs and "being a baby". She is not completely coping with the arrival of her little brother yet.

This sounds familiar!!!! My DS is 2.4 and DD is 5 months. Never quite sure how much is the terrible 2s, how much is because he's got a new sister and how much is related to me being tired.

I tend to do what ET said, but this week whats worked really well is getting his bears to tell him off!!! Sounds a bit random (and my boy is a bit naive.....) but if I hold his teddy or Tinky Winky in front of my face and put on a stupid voice to tell him to do something he will..... Obviously it would be nice not to have to resort to this but hey! What has been nice about it is that we have felt on the same side, so to speak. So if he doesn't do what bear says the first time, I say to him 'ooh, teddy will get cross, you better sit down in your highchair' etc.

TTL that was a brilliant illustration.

Particularly if children are very bright and articulate, it is easy to get fooled into thinking they have any sort of social or emotional maturity.

Reminds me of a conversation I had with my not quite yet 3 yo. I had upset her in some way, so she told me that she didn't love me. As they do.

-Well, never mind darling, I still love you and I always will do. (trying to play it cool as you see)

-No you won't!

• Yes, I will always be your Mummy and I will always love you.

-Not when I'm grown up!

• Oh yes, love. You may go and live in your own house, but I will still be your Mummy and I will still love you.

• No you won't. You'll be dead then. (perfectly matter of factly)

You see? The verbal maturity was there, the emotional maturity was not. A few years later and she would have been devastated at the thought of my early demise.

BS, in that case we're either both doing it right or both doing it wrong.