How do I help DD to deal with her excluding 'best' friend?

[Panaconda]

DD is 3.2, her friend is a couple of weeks younger. Friend bosses DD about, and dd seems happy with this, thinks she is just playing normally I expect, and seems to enjoy herself. However, friend often goes off with other children and excludes DD, and to be honest, if there are other children around that she would prefer to play with she is often quite mean to DD. DD finds this upsetting and doesn't really understand. DD's a lovely sensitive little thing, but generally very confident and happy. She plays well with lots of children, but spends a lot of time with this girl, mainly because I get on v well with her Mother.
I don't really know how to handle it, I don't really like to interfere and make friend involve DD as I think that might breed resentment from friend and victim mentality in dd. My instinct (as someone with quirky social skills) is to find her something different to do when friend is behaving like this, but in someways, this is what I have always done myself, just walked away from difficult or confusing friendships or relationships rather than bothering working them out.....oh goodness, am I thinking about this too much???
Really though, how do I help her deal with it.? how do I explain it to her? how do I stop her being hurt by it? should I withdraw her from the friendship a little?
Help me, I know she's only 3, but I don't really know what to do.

Bumping for much needed help and advice

i would try and encourage her to play with others too - could you invite other children from her class (is she at school/nursery?) over for tea just so try and break the dependance on this one friend a little.

My dd is going through something quite similiar atm - I know it's heartbreaking but you have to leave them to it in a way and trust them to make their own judgements/learn from it.

Have a word with her teacher and make her aware of the situation and also would it be possible for you to say something to the other mum or would this make things awkward?

Don't be afraid to tell your dd that you think the friend is not always that kind to her - I have done this with my dd and she is starting to come to her own conclusions about the friendship now

This seems to be a problem with girls in particular, I've never seen it with DS's friends.

It's all a healthy part of growing up though, realising that things aren't always exactly nice and how you would like them to be.

Prepare for years to come, I remember in junior school my group of friends could be so nasty to each other, we'd have days where we decided one person would be 'ignored' and refused to talk to them, the next day it would be someone else, the day after we'd all be the best of friends again. So spiteful.

They are still very young and I think what you are doing is right. Developing independence so that she's not dependant on others for her happiness is a good skill to have. (Especially for when she gets to 6 and 7 and the girls can get more devious about excluding.) Think it's a great idea to introduce her to other friendships too where the dynamic is different (more evenly matched etc.)

I agree with LadyPenelope and would also add (as someone who experienced this herself when she was a child) that it's also about instilling the confidence in your DD to know that it's not because she is doing something wrong or because she a rubbish person that her friend is being like this. Its just the way her friend is.

Hi there, I've no advice as such but find my DD in a similary situation to yours. My DD is 4 and she has her best friend who is seven months older than her. They are very close when it suits the other girl, but I often hear tales from my DD that her friend tells her she doesn't like her or she leaves her on her own and plays with other children, or frequently tells my DD to 'stop following me'. My DD's friend is the one very much in control and my DD is a bit besotted by her so there's no way I can separate them as my DD would be devastated. Unfortantely, I have to just accept that my DD is the sensative one and her friend is the boss. I know my DD will continue to be hurt by her, but just hope she'll learn something valuable from it in the end. Like the other posters have pointed out, girls lead very complicated friendships.

Ah, thanks guys.
I hadn't thought of actuallyu talking to her about her friend in any negative way, I've just made light of it when she's brought it up because I didn't want it to be important, and also, something which I've only just realised, and am ashamed to say, I didn't really want her repeating things to her friend about being bossy or not very nice, because I can see that driving a wedge between the friendship, which has become a family one. I really can see the logic of talking to her about how it's not nice to exclude people, and that friend can sometimes be mean, and it's not dd's fault etc. Friend's mother is aware of her child, so that's quite good, but in the end her powers are limited as well I suppose.
I guess you're right that in some ways it's a matter of gritting my teeth in some ways. I just want her to have confidence where I didn't and to be in the hub of things where I was often excluded. Weird isn't it, I just want her little personality to grow and flourish without having to cope with the knocks and hurt which I know are inevitable, and will turn out to be positive and strenghtning. Aaahhh! I can't bear it!! You need to be made of steel to cope with this!

I agree. It's all learning for them. It's also really horrible when you see traits in your child that you don't like in yourself like shyness or underconfidence- traits that you know led to your own unhappiness at school. In the end they have to follow their own path though don't they, with the knowledge that they are loved and respected at home.