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What are your 'rules' for dealing with other people's children?

37 replies

fizzpops · 27/09/2008 17:06

I am of the opinion that when my daughter is old enough if she is doing something dangerous or destructive that I would be happy for another mother to kindly stop her but I have been told recently that the done thing is as a parent of a child in danger of being throttled etc that you should say nothing but remove your child from the situation.

I can see this working if a child is targetting one other, but what if there is more than one child at risk. Do I just remove my own child and tell the mother of the boisterous child or leave the others to fend for themselves? Or what if someone else's child is scribbling on my walls. There must be occasions where quick action is necessary to prevent accidents or damage and a kindly 'Please be careful with that' etc etc is acceptable.

Also do I have to keep moving my happily playing child from place to place because someone else is not controlling their child? And what happens when another child snatches a toy from mine, can I then say, 'X was playing with that' or does this constitute interfering?

I sound as though I am over analysing this but it has been a cause of some unpleasantness between me and another mother recently and I really feel that the issue is more about the other mother being in control than that their child was upset or confused by my saying something. I am very confused and upset about the whole thing and would like some feedback so I can either avoid offending people in the future or at least have some idea of what is generally acceptable.

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edam · 27/09/2008 17:13

I think this idea that one should never tell a child off unless you are its mother is barking, frankly. There was much less trouble back when I was little and you KNEW that any passing grown up would tear you off a strip if you were getting up to something.

Removing your child is fine if the child being naughty is too little to know better. But once they are past the toddler stage, then I think children need to be aware that they can't get away with blue murder just because their mother or father isn't looking.

Parents who think their child is a precious lamb who must never be thwarted are ridiculous, IMO.

Hassled · 27/09/2008 17:14

I'm all for direct intervention and would hope that my friends/DCs' friend parents would do the same. If the child's parent is in the same room and not responding to the bad behaviour then it's more tricky - diversion is usually the best bet. Something like drawing on the walls - my line would be "we don't do that in this house" - stress the "this house" because offense can be caused if you seem to be undermining the other parent; it could be fine in their own house (unlikely, but YKWIM). In my childminding days I used the "not in this house" line a lot.

fizzpops · 27/09/2008 17:26

Thank you for your comments, all very sensible sounding to me . The matter is further complicated by being in a neutral venue. The child in question was a toddler but the matter could have been easily remedied by giving them something else to play with. I just keep coming back to the fact that if I remove my child from the dinner table for another child's behaviour (not deliberately naughty but potentially dangerous) then I am missing out as is my daughter. But then I can imagine saying 'Little X is causing a problem (or more tactful words to that effect)' being taken (at least by the mother in question) as questioning their parenting skills and we are back to square one.

I am considering keeping away from this family purely for this reason as I don't feel it is something we will ever see eye to eye on but this would cause other types of upset .

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edam · 27/09/2008 17:28

Yeah, I know what you mean about feeling it's wrong to have to remove the child who IS behaving nicely.

If this particular friend has a very different attitude to discipline and would react badly to you stepping in when they permit bad behaviour, then I think you need to step back.

ChasingSquirrels · 27/09/2008 17:29

agree with edam, it's insane.
I told off some boys in town the other day who were bouncing a ball against a wall (completely blocking or in danger of hitting shoppers - the boys could easily have gone just down the path a bit more and not been in the way). They looked at me completely shocked. Although I just carried on and didn't hang around to see if they stopped.

Thankyouandgoodnight · 27/09/2008 22:43

I'm dreadful - I behave as if I'm in sole charge of all the children in my DCs vicinity and will tell them off as much as my DC. i.e. if one snatches a toy off mine, I'll tell them not to and to hand it back etc (as I would if mine snatched off another child). If the parent doesn't like it, they can remove their child from the situation . The reason that I think that this is ok, is that i would like someone to do that to mine because if they don't, then my LOs are receiving mixed messages as from their point of view, they hear from me that it's not ok to snatch, whereas others seem to allow it...

Thankyouandgoodnight · 27/09/2008 22:44

oh and I've been known to highlight to another parent that their LO is bullying either mine or another and can they please deal with it as it's rather tiring having to field their actions all the time!

ingles2 · 27/09/2008 22:54

Have to admit, I treat all dc's as I do my own. If they are in my vicinity, they get praise when due and telling off when appropriate.
I don't know what the other mothers think but I always seem to have a crowd of dc waiting to talk to me, so I can't be that scary.

nannyL · 27/09/2008 23:21

i obviously only ever look after other peoples children

if other children are being nasty then yes i will tell them, or say to my charge "no its not nice to hit kick / X is for sharing etc"

at singing on thursday a 2.5 year old tried to snatch a toy off my 3 year old... my 3 year old WAS playing with it 1st and had only had it for a minute (ie not the whole play session)... and yes i did help my charge get back the toy that he was playing with, and dound a similar toy for otehr child (a tractor instead of a digger).. result other persons 2.5 year old had a huge tantrum, but other wise my 3 year old would have had a huge tantrum...

i would NEVER let him snatch a toy off anyone else... yes of course he has done so in the past, as all toddlers do, but always has to give it straight back, and i think its only fair that he learns it works both ways...

if a baby who clearly doesnt understand is trying to take a toy he knows to find something else for the baby and move the toy he is playing with near me

In the 'nanny world' (i have a big circle of nanny friends) all the children know that any nanny can reprimand any child and that if another nanny tells them what to do then thats what goes .... obviously we all look out for our own charges, and are the ones to discopline our own charges, but they still do as they are asked....

StarlightMcKenzie · 27/09/2008 23:31

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Lazycow · 28/09/2008 00:03

Well I'm perfectly happy for an adult to tell my ds off if he is doing something wrong and to then speak to me if he doesn't do as he is told.

I say this because recently my 3 year old committed some atrocity or other on another child which I didn't see, he then blew a raspberry at the adult who reprimanded him and said he wouldn't get into trouble for it (not true!).

The adult then went to get a member of staff to tell me about whathad happened which I think is quite frankly barking. I obviously told ds off when I was told whathad happened and we left early - Something he was REALLY unhappy about if the screams were anything to go by. I wouldn't have done anything different if the parent had spoken to me directly but I suppose she was scared of my reaction.

I think this is a sad example of how frightened of each other we have become, that in order to deal with a 3 year that has blown a raspberry we feel we need to involve a third 'authority figure' - in this case an 18 year old staff member, rather than speak to the parent directly.

And befoe anyone says it - Yes I should have been watching him and I had been for all of the 1.5 hrs he had been playing. Then someone came to ask me something and I took my eyes off him for about 3 mins during which this event must have occured.

I have however also been on the other side when a friend of mine spoke quite sharple (but not shouting) to a small child (about 3 years okd) who had pushed his 3 year okd daughter off a climbing platform. She had fallen quite a way and my friend (and his child) was obviously shaken. The 3 year old's mother was extremely unhappy about her son being reprimanded and very aggressive towards my friend.

fizzpops · 28/09/2008 07:17

Thank you for all your comments. It occurred to me reading them that it also raises the issue of would the child understand what the telling off was for if you had to have a word with the mother every time as too much time would have passed since the 'offence' - I think not. I had also been thinking about the mixed messages.

This is just my side of the situation and the other party would tell you their side, ie I'm not sure they realised that I was worried about an accident and that they were very tired and had been fuming about the issue for sometime before they snapped so probably not the best example for them to pick on to illustrate to me what they thought I had done wrong.

I guess I just wanted confirmation that what I thought was common sense behaviour was and wasn't interfering so thank you all for that.

I'm hoping that it will blow over to a certain extent but if the conversation arises I will have some scenarios to put to her and ask her what she thinks I should do.

My daughter is five months old to the other child's 18 months and so I would not hesitate to say something again if I had to as neither can judge a risky situation for themselves and it is up to me as the adult to look after them both. I think they are more used to dealing with situations concerning 2 toddlers where I can see the remove the child scenario would be more effective. The trouble is my child lies on the floor playing so is a bit of an upheaval to remove her every time.

I think I will suggest that if she doesn't want me to tell her child what to do that she keeps it away from the very small area that my child plays in and then there will be no problem.

OP posts:
FourArms · 28/09/2008 07:30

I've got no problem with any of my friends telling either of my DS's off if they're being naughty. I'd rather the behaviour was picked up there and then, so that they know what they're being told off for.

If I have to tell anybody elses child off particularly severely, they've ignored a telling off or done something really dangerous, then I will tell their parents later as well so they can reinforce the problem with what happened.

Anifrangapani · 28/09/2008 08:16

I am quite happy for my kids to be told off by other people. If they are being a pain then they need to know. I think it gives them a sense of the boundries being different for different people.

Personally I won't step into playground squabbles, unless there is an element of bullying going on. If they are fighting over a toy then they need to develop negotiation skills to resolve the issues themselves. If I keep stepping in saying "play nicely" they will never learn. However I am aware that other people may find that "neglectful", and my kids have to respect that. So if they are told off then that is their look out. Intrestingly ds has started giving other kids another toy before taking the toy he wants.

mellyonion · 28/09/2008 08:41

fizzpops..

if your dd is only 5 months and is having toys taken from her by an older toddler, i would just be very sweet to the toddler and say "oh, do you know, my baby loves playing with this tractor...shall we let her have this one, and maybe we can see if there is another one over here for you?" or "this dolly belongs to baby fizzpops.." and gently take it back, then "do you have a dolly like this at home?"

it sort of suggests to the child that he can't bully your baby, but is done in a non agressive way...and shouldn't get any other parents back up...

incidently, i have no problem asking politely another child not to do something...and generally, if someone is in our house, they follow our rules. amonst friends too, we all agree that its fine to tell eachothers kids off as we all have the same sort of ideas as to what is and isn't acceptable...

its a minefield out there!

PavlovtheCat · 28/09/2008 08:46

I have no problem with another parent reprimanding my child for behaving dangerously and I have no issues with another parent, or anyone else removing my child from a potentially dangerous/hazardous situation on my behalf, either as I am not there, or they are closer/able to do it more easily.

I do however have serious issues with anyone shouting/yelling/losing their temper/losing control/frightening my child, especially when I am there and able to deal with the situation.

fizzpops · 28/09/2008 08:53

A minefield is right! In a way I can understand her not wanting me to tell her child not to put x in his mouth etc even though I have heard her do so as she sometimes feels he gets the same message three times in a row and it is a bit too much. I have even heard her remonstrate with her husband when he echoed her words to the child just afterwards (caused a nasty awkward silence and furious glances between them). That is her choice and actually I don't think this is what I do too much although (again) she may disagree.

The behaviour that bothered me was something her child was doing which could have injured my child and I reacted before I was really thinking to prevent an accident. Both parents were there but not looking directly at the child. Cue me getting a dressing down from both of them = me very shocked and upset.

As I said before they were very tired and possibly I had been irritating them for ages and they just picked a bad example/ thought I was just telling him off for making a noise etc.

You live and learn. I do feel reassured that there are some parents out there who will support me in teaching my daughter good manners and help her to socialise with other children nicely (all in a pleasant way of course). Who knows I may turn out to be the same as this other mother when my daughter is 18 months old .

What is the mummy equivalent of a bridezilla anyway?

OP posts:
bythepowerofgreyskull · 28/09/2008 09:36

I would say that as long as you aren't unkind to the child then age appropriate reprimanding of another child is fair.

with a toddler gently removing the toy they have snatched from your child and giving it to your child again explaining to the toddler why you are doing it.

I also think that it needs understanding from the other parent that sometimes our children are less than perfect and do sometimes do things that need correcting.

luckylady74 · 28/09/2008 09:55

I thought the same as most of you until I gained a friend who tells my dc off - unfortunately she is far stricter than me (eg her dc are not allowed to play with sticks outside) and on Friday she actually raised her voice at my dd when I was around the next room in my house. So I've reviewed my opinions on this subject!
I think that if the dc's parent is not present then you do as you would with your own, but if you think it's an extreme thing - eg they're walloping other dc then you go and get the parent in a calm and apologetic manner(to avoid embarassment)and ask them to sort it outm - if you're actually caring for them then do as you would your own without the ill advvised shouting/sarcasm that some of us resort to in times of stress!
If the parent is there then you distract or say something in a friendly tone to the parent.
Before you jump on me I have reprimanded young teens in public for several things such as starting a fire, riding dangerously and blocking the toddler play area. It's just I believe it's my job to reprimand my 3 yr old dd if I'm with her and I would be grateful if any bad behaviour was pointed out to me for me to deal with.

Umlellala · 28/09/2008 09:58

Deal with all children as Ingles if I am there and parent not. Am a teacher though so it comes fairly naturally and I always phrase things positively or distract rather than 'tell off' (as I aim to do with mine, of course, but sometimes wearily just say 'oh just STOP it') and definitely not treading on parents toes - ie, I let the parent do the disciplining if there.

Know a mum who is constantly telling off other friend's kids and butting in - dh says she is trying to be Supernanny but she has no real idea about discipline - shouting at kids that they are doing something naughty when they have no clue (kids in our group are two - they don't know instinctively that they shouldn't touch something at their height without being told first) and issuing crap, vague rewards/naughty step shit. Oops, she really annoys me

Umlellala · 28/09/2008 09:59

Just read mellyonion's* post - yes, like that

*love your name!

traceybath · 28/09/2008 10:12

Its fine to discipline other children i think if the parents aren't around or aren't paying attention but i tend to do in an all inclusive way, eg, 'hey children - lets all be careful' rather than singling out one particular child.

I do however take issue when as has happened to me in the past another parent tells my child off when i have done so. Classic example at toddlers - my DS was about 18 months - little girl same age took a toy off him so he pushed the little girl. I went over and told him off - not to push, not nice - say sorry etc. Mother who hadn't seen her child take toy then came over and said - yes you need to watch it to my 18 month old as she's got a big brother you know!! I glared at mother and avoided her from then on.

As with everything you can do things nicely - i tread carefully with friend's children especially when they're little.

Doctorpuss · 28/09/2008 10:32

I treat them as I do my own and want other parents to do the same.

You cannot yell and beat them obv, but I wouldn't do that to my own in public (the beating I am joking about, the yelling does happen)

I tend to only interfere if it is the bullying/beating crap out of each other - but that is the same with my own children.

i like the whole village raising children thing

fizzpops · 28/09/2008 11:21

I would never shout at a child (or at least have not had to before) - even in this case when I thought danger was imminent I didn't even raise my voice. I wouldn't have even mentioned his behaviour in this instance except that I thought it was dangerous. That is not to say I haven't stepped on toes previously as they obviously have different ideas to me.

I am actually really fond of the child in question and he is usually pretty well behaved, just getting a little cheeky of late. It is such a fine line cos the parents were there but hadn't noticed the danger and it is not something I can ignore I'm afraid.

In my mind it is compounded by the fact that my daughter seems to come second. He is not told to ask before he touches her toys. She obviously does not notice as an older child would but to me it is the principle of the thing that they are hers regardless of her age. They let it go as they think it is cute that he cuddles her teddies etc. He also often has a cold which I believe he has just passed on to her so that is a whole other issue....

I want to say,'To solve the problem you keep little x away from little fizzpops and her toys and then I won't have to say anything', but it sounds like I am being petty and stopping him from looking at toys he was allowed to look at before just to pay them back when it is not that at all. I am all for children sharing just not taking whenever they fancy it, and if he doesn't come near her and her toys he can't put her at any risk. He has also recently started lashing out and biting his parents when tired and I dread to think what I would do if he hurt her, shouting might be on the cards then.

OP posts:
ummadam · 28/09/2008 11:50

Please take this as formal notice that anyone who sees my DS being rude, dangerous, bullying, snatching, generally acting without care to other people, lying, hurting animals or generally being an oik have my full permission to tell him off whether I am there or not as long as you do it kindly, don't smack him and are 100% sure you are treating him as you would want your own child treated and you let me know so that I can speak to him aswell.

However.... if I have already started to discipline my child then butt out