Any one any goo at psychology? why oh why do i do this?

[deanychip]

It has dawned on me and i need it to stop.

This morning ds (5) was kicking up mud in the playground.
Lurvly polished shoes, people sitting in front of him...getting the mud on them.
SO i called him over, told him to stop,
he did it again twice so i told him that i would tell his pals mum that his pal could not come for tea next week if he did it again, he went over and started to snidely kick the mud again,

Ok, there is a feeling of gut wrenching blackness in my stomach that comes when he is disobedient.
This then turns into depression, that can stay with me for days and days.
Its so bizzare, i felt it come today and for the first time, it occurred to me that this happens allot.

It is disabling, negative and destructive.
Its the feeling of, well, that i have somehow "lost" my boy, that he is beyond me at times.

is this an issue of control, or what?

Its awful.

Why do i get like this and how can i stop it?

sorry, just read thread fully. ignore my post, sorry.

Dont even want to be a boss as such, just want harmony and to not feel so horrible when things go wrong, which they do from time to time.

Perspective is the key, its just hard to get that perspective when every one elses kids are perfect. {or so it seems}
I do speak to other mums, and each one will sya the same thing...."my child is a good child BUT they do have theor moments".
Mine seems to have more moments than others do LOL.

Thanks mufti for just understanding where i am coming from chuck, its great that i am not on my own with this.

Yes, I see that now. I am very much a discipline-comes-out-of-love person hence no 'punishments' as such rather natural, light consequences. It is hard when you remember they are indivuals who are choosing what to do and how to behave. But do remind yourself of my last sentence in last post, and children will always behave 'badly' at times just like we do... it's ok to be in a bad mood or cross or silly sometimes (aS long as you don't hurt anyone). I am a bit of a perfectionist who has a tendancyu to beat myself up when I deal with things badly and know really I am just being human and not Supermum, but have learnt a lot through teaching and therapy

He is 'beyond you' as you put it and that's normal. You can't make them do everything you say or not do everything you say.
You really wouldn't want the opposite, would you?

I find mn great for perspective.

having just had to discipline ds, i find it quite draining , he has said sorry, and forgotten about it
i feel a bit washed out, part of me wondering if i handled it right or not
is that how you feel deanychip?

I question everything i do, that is draining.
yes!
But as already mentioned, they then present you with a whole new scenario to deal with 10 miutes later!

It is at times one long battle.
I am not very good at it, i hold my hands up to that, i am not very good at this parenting lark.

Still, i have a happy, healthy bright little spark so i must be doing something right along the way.
Just need to get over these demons and that is the most difficult bit.

My DCs have taught me to live a bit more in the instant when it comes to how I feel about someone. I used to hold grudges a lot longer rather than moving on quickly.

He's happy and mostly agreeable to be with. You must be doing lots of things right.
A bit of questioning is good so that you don't complacent. Try not to analyse everything too much.
Could you set yourself a limit. Eg I'm allowed to think about how I could have dealt with it better for 3 minutes and then I have to think about something else.

good idea.
I tend to thrash things out with my best friend who has a ds the same age. She is very understanding and sensible.
Thanks goodness for good pals eh!

Deanychip - I am really empathising with what you're saying here. I think I have similar issues to you in that I feel like a huge failure when dd/ds are misbehaving, as though everyone else seems to get it right and they must all know how incompetent I am. Self esteem issues galore over here .

You know what I did this morning? I stood in the bedroom watching a neighbour (comes across as incredibly organised etc) march her screaming, kicking toddler down the street, and it made me feel better. Horrible I know, but it made me feel normal iyswim.

Whereas if I need to thrash things out the one I turn to is DH who gets bored after 3 minutes! It's probably v good for me.

I KNOW!
you cant help but have a little smile to yourself when you see other people have the same problems as you can you! It warms the cockles of your heart doesnt it!

You see, we are not alone with this, lots of folk feel the same way.

It's true. Take yesterday for instance, Picked dd up from nursery and she was behaving in a foul way; I felt totally despondant and almost insecure for the entire day after that. I couldn't really pick myself up.

What you said about depressive tendancies I think rings true for me too - I'm a very up or down person. I find it really helps to 'get it all out'. Even if it's just coming on here, or emailing dh and telling about what's gone wrong today. It's a way of expressing my fears/negative feelings. Do you feel better when you've vented a bit?

I am a depressive mom who gets the red mist when dd is 'non compliant' or tantrumming. This may not appeal to you but I have this Tao passage pinned over my desk:

There are many ways to get children
to behave as you wish.
You can force, plead, and bribe.
You can manipulate, trick, and persuade.
You can use shame, guilt, and reason.
These will all rebound upon you.
You will be in constant conflict.

Attend instead to your own actions.
Develop contentment within yourself.
Find peace and love in all you do.
This will keep you busy enough.
There is no need to control others.

If you are able to release even some small part
of your persistent need to control,
you will discover an amazing paradox.
The things you attempted to force
now begin to occur naturally.
People around you begin to change.
Your children find appropriate behavior
emerging from within themselves
and are delighted.
Laughter returns to all.

The Parent's Tao Te Ching, by William Martin

I definitley see an inprovement all round when I remember to follow this advice. I just keep having to reign myself in..