'Helpful' Strangers

[Chinchilla]

I know that this has been discussed recently, but the thread was too long, so I am starting a new one. Today, I went out for lunch with a friend, ds and her dd. There were steps to the place, and my friend helped me up them with ds in his buggy. Her dd is 2.5, so can walk up. Anyway, all was well, until after the lunch. Friend and her dd went to the loo, and this middle aged old woman barged in and told me I would have to move, as she was bringing some glass up (this was a gallery/tea shop). I was happy to do so, except for the tone of her voice, but managed to stay polite. I asked her if my friend's bags were in her way too, and she snottily said that they were, so I moved them, gritted my teeth, and sweetly asked if they were far enough out of her way NOW. They were thankfully!

She got all her bits and bobs past me, and I politely asked her if she had finished. When my friend came out of the loo, we made to leave. We got to the top of these steps, and realised that friend was not able to help me down, as her dd was not in her pram, and she would more than likely run amok in the gallery whilst friend was helping me! So, I decided to go down the steps with ds in his buggy, taking each step very carefully. I was not happy about it, but did not want to trouble anyone in the cafe, and wasn't going to ask Grumpy Old Woman.

I was half way down, when GOW decided to reappear at the top, and tell me that what I was doing was not very safe. I gritted my teeth, and said, 'Yes, I know, but I don't have any alternative'. She boomed down at me that, if she had known, she would have helped me, but that she could not get past me on the steps now. I just ignored her, and proceeded to get successfully down them (all 6 or 7 of them). At the bottom, she stood next to me, and told me AGAIN that it hadn't been safe to do this. I just ignored her, and she then went on to say 'Lovely day isn't it?' I just gritted, smiled tight lipped, and said 'Beautiful', whilst not looking at her. Friend had by now reached the bottom of the steps, and we made our merry way off, with me fuming and chuntering.

I'd just like to say BLLCKS to all Grumpy Old Women out there, who make us feel inadequate, when we are just trying to do our best. OK, so I would not normally have gone down steps like that, but there it is. I did, and I was probably safer than if I had carried ds in my arms, as he was at least strapped in.

I think you did very well to keep your temper, chinchilla. I'd probably have let her have a mouthful. There always seems to be an old woman around when you least need one. I think we ought to think up a name for this phenomenon and get a comedian to make a sketch about it.

A friend was talking about things like this the other day and thought it was only in Switzerland. I said that it happened all over the world. My response in Chicago, when my son was too young to speak was usually, "Fuck you." I'm terribly uncouth, I know, but it shut them up.

I don't do it now, of course, the boys are older and plus, if I do it anywhere but the US they think all Americans are like that. In the US they just think I'm rude. Yes, yes, I know I am. It just helps sometimes. I mean, they're being rude too?

LOL JJ!
I wish I was that brave. On the few occasions when I have let rip, it's turned out to be the mad old bag from hell and things have threatened to get violent, LOL.

One of my pet hates, as I'm sure alot of you will agree, is when you are out and your children are starting to blatantly misbehave. You can always bet that as soon as you start scolding them or telling them to behave 'the blue rinse brigade' appears from nowhere saying 'oh leave them alone, they're not being naughty' or if you won't let them have sweets as a shop 'the blue rinse brigade' appears saying 'oh let them have it, it won't spoil their tea and then produce some sweets from their pocket. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, you can bet anything that when their children were younger they never got away with half as much as children do today.

Had a classic experience today... am still in shock that it happened really although it's minor in the scheme of things.

I was standing in SuperDrug, ds was being well behaved (for once) and waiting for me to pay when an Interfering Old Lady pops over to start a "discussion" with ds about his clowns on his buggy and how cute he is. Ds is a bit taken aback by this huge intrusion of personal space but doesn't seem too unhappy so I ignore them both and carry on fishing around in the bag for my purse.

The sentence "these are probably a bit hard for you" filters through my brain with seconds to spare just in time to save ds from having something popped in his mouth. She's only gone and pulled out some very fluffy wine gums out of her pocket (the really large kind) to (and I quote) "keep him quiet" - yes, because he'd be choking to death! Not that he was being in any way noisy or unsettled before you came along! Sheesh, don't IOL's remember all the campaigns designed to make sure kids refuse sweets from strangers? Not to mention the fact that I might like to have been consulted before food is given to my child.

I politely muttered something about thank you, but he probably wouldn't be able to cope with eating one at which point she said goodbye and then started to give slobbery kisses all over my son's hand. Ds has got a stinking cold at the moment, so at your own risk, lady...

Words fail me, GeorginaA. Wow.

Aww, don't be too hard on her! She probably hasn't had kids round for a very long time so doesn't remember about the risks and so on. I always have strangers come up and talk to dd, I would never dream of putting them off! So long as I am there to keep an eye on things. Old ladies do tend to offer her sweeties, such as mints and stuff, but I just politely decline them, explaining that she isn't old enough to chew them properly yet. I must admit I've never had one of them put anything into her mouth though!

It was a silly thing for her to do, but it was with kindness and I'm sure she would have been horrified if she had known the potential dangers she might have caused.

I certainly don't mind strangers talking to ds - but she was very "in your face" - I'm not a person who's really protective of personal space but even ds was quite taken aback at how close she got!! Maybe she was just very short sighted The bit that scared me the most though was that through lack of villigance that ds could have been given something I didn't know about - it's just never occurred to me that someone would do that! (I'm obviously an innocent...) Going to be a lot more aware now even if I am needing to juggle bags in a shop.

Perople do have a terrible tendency to invade children's personal space. When they would never think about touching an adult they are talking to there seems to be no problem with pawing over children. Now my ds doesn't care, but dd (3) HATES it, and screeches at people who she doesn't know when they pat her head or ruffle her hair or try to cuddle her. I've just taken to saying 'she doesn't like people she doesn't know touching her - understandably' and they soon back off - if the screeching hasnt driven them away anyway! But I hate the way that children are treated as if they were little dogs and lot real people - I think that dd may act like a dog one day and take someones hand off if they touch her. That'd teach them!

LOL Susanmt... I will remember that phrase - suitably polite but pointed - for future reference!

I empathise with all these tales.

I have a 3week old daughter who seems to bepublic property ... especially to soon-to-be-first-time-grandmothers-in-stores.

I know I should feel proud that my pretty little pickle draws attention (and I understand that all newborns solicit gasps and compliments) but I am finding the invasion of space (mine and dds) alarming.

I havehad people leaning right into hewr faceand breathing over her, people taking 'my spot' at the buggy, people come and interrupt my conversation to ask about her, people stand over her and yell to their buddies about her while not even acknwledging me, a guy interrupt me breastfeeding in a cafe to check i wasn't drinking coffee that could affect her and a woman interrogate meabout how i was feeding.

ALL strangers ... al met by my polite but aloof answers whereupon they didn't get thehint and carried on with their intrusions.

Obviously I worry bout infection, someone running off with her etc ... I was close to swiping thehandaway of some old dear in the library who just wouldn't take the hint and was reaching to her face(howdo i know where her hands had been that day and hey lady youre a total stranger)

Also with such a young baby dont people get that I am likely to betired so more sensitiveand isexpected to begiven a bit more space and grace?

Am I being new mum paranoid or are these people overstepping the line and if so howdo you advise I handle ut ...?

I get the same old fella on the bus asking if my som (18wks) wants mints (!) He's been asking since he was about 8wks. I just say it's very kind but he's a bit small. One day on the bus when son was smaller, the bus pulled into my stop, and i bent down to pick up my bag- when i looked up someone was wheeling my son off the bus on my behalf! I panicked and tried to take the pushchair back (politely!)but got nowhere.

The rest of the time we get lots of oohs and ahhs, which i'm naturally quite smug about, but i hate strangers touching him.

And clemsterdarcy: are you sure he was concerned about the coffee?!

new mum parnaoid I'm afraid

and what on earth is wrong with the time-honoured way of bumping a buggy down the stairs?

Don't ever take your lo's to Singapore! Especially if they are either/or blond/blue eyed, or both (as dd is) We spent 3 days there in 2005 on our way back to the UK, after our hols. She was stared at incessently! We were asked if they could have photo's taken with her, she seemed quite happy to, so I told them go ahead! (I could've made a bomb if I'd charged) This was done on half a dozen occasions! They all said she was beautiful! And I loved it! Being told my dd is beautiful, poeple so fasinated by her that they wanted a pic taken with her! They were mostly women, from young teens to older ladies.

On our way here when we emigrated I had a group of teens (18 yrs and under) taking photo's of me & dd....enjoy it!

Soon these people will be tut tutting at you when lo throws a tantrum in a shop!

Ds has had his photo taken with more Japanese tourists than I can count when we have been in town, especially if he is in a costume.

Best way with a new baby is a front pack or sling - people can't get close really.

last week i had to take ds for a physio check up when we got to the bus stop to come home i was carrying some bags from sainsburys holding on to ds when the bus turned up staright away,
so i got on the bus there was only 1 person on the bus a little old lady sat behind the drivers seat so i told ds to sit down while i tried to sort my money out,
well ds is 5 and is ASD and refused to move and clung to my leg, the bus driver started the bus and i was still trying to get the money out of my purse when the old lady grabbed ds and said "mommy said sit down" well ds had been having a bad day allready so when she did this he completley melted down, he grabbed the old lady and hit her arm and started screaming "dont touch me, let go, let go" i then put ds on a seat and had to apologise to her.
But why did she have to interfear ds wasnt going to fall he was holding on to my leg with both arms wrapped round it there was no way he would of fallen i wished she kept her nose out of our business.
Dp was really proud of ds when i told him like he said ds is autistic and he knows its not right for strangers to do that and to tell them NO

This thread brings to mind of when my second child was a newborn. I was out in town with him and my dd. They were in one of those tandem pushchairs, baby tucked up in the back. A disabled girl, probably in her twenties, leant into the pushchair, placed her hands on the blankets where my baby's chest was, and started pressing down hard several times. Bizarrely, it looked as though she were trying to give him CPR. Her carer was trying, and failing, to pull her off him. It was very scary. I completely went into meltdown, and I think I screamed at the carer that if she couldn't control the girl, she shouldn't be out with her. (It was nearly 8 years ago) I phoned my Husband at work in a terrible state. It was winter, and the baby was wrapped up in several layers, but I remember thinking at the time that had he been a summer baby, she could have really hurt him.

Just a note about boiled sweets. DS aged 6 got one stuck in his throat the other day. Very frightening. Fortunately, a hard clap on the back from me dislodged it. They are now banned.

i was sat in asda the other day having dinner with my dd and an old man came past on his disability scooter. i moved a trolly out of the way for him and he got out and walked to the table behid me. i was feeding my dd out of a jar.he came over and started saying he was wiating for a friend to turn p and he asked what i was feeding HIM. i politely told him that my baby was a girl and it was a banoffee pudding. he then went on to ask why hadn't i made it myself. i was a bit shocked at him and told him that it was easier when we are out to give her jars. he then asked me if i could cook at all!!! i could not believe what he was asking me, and if i was a nasty sort of person, and thought a bit quicker, i would have asked him why he was in a scooter if he could walk! it didnt upset me for the whole day, but it did for a while. and it made me mad at myself for letting him talk to me like that and not retaliating. i haven't told anyone else about this cause they would all say i should have said something back to him.

LOL, I was just saying to dh last week that there always seems to be a Mrs Brady hanging around where you least need one. There was one tutting and chuntering the day I wrenched my back lifting ds2 out of the pushchair. She grumped palpably when I phones dh on my mobile to come and rescue me, and then sat glaring and muttering as I struggled to manage the two boys eating their lunch in obvious pain. Miserable old bag.

Having said that, I did have a lovely old chap come up a week earlier in the same cafe and present each of the boys with a Tunnocks Tea Cake, with great ceremony, "for being such good boys for your mummy". He'd been watching us have lunch and thought the boys were delightful. That more than cancels out the Mrs Brady factor, IMO

Same here in Spain, there are many matronly old ladies who believe babies are public property. They all do that irritating pinching cheeks thing, which I HATED as a child and which ds understandably hates now, but they especially love him as his skin is so fair and he has really chubby little cheeks. I put up with it for about a month before I got enough confidence to actually slap someone's hand away from his face as she was leaning in for a pinch in the supermarket queue! I also find that lots of shopkeepers here give him chupachups lollies as all the shops have them on the counters... it's always done so similingly and with lots of compliments to ds, so I would feel so bad for declining. Poor ds, he doesn't realise a chupachups lolly is not a drumstick but a sweety inside the wrapper as he's never had the wrapper taken off one! As far as he's concerned it's "ooh look another drumstick, aren't you lucky!!"

But slapping hands away...definitely, don't be afraid to defend your baby's personal space, after all they can't do it themselves yet (apart from one or 2 feisty little people mentioned above who seem to have the right idea!!)

I've had my fair share of these moments when my two were small, but if you think about it, we all moan about people not being as kind and caring as they 'used' to be, and yet we often positively discourage communication.

I know that there are levels of acceptability, but these vary from person to person, and situation to situation, for instance, Greensleeves was touched that someone gave her dc cakes, whereas other posters on this thread would clearly have been offended.

In Eastern Europe you'll get even more interfering old ladies who will stop you in the street and berate you for the fact that your DC isn't wearing socks, or a hat (this when the temperature is equivalent to an early summer day in the UK).

And DH was working in Beijing for a few months when DS was 7 months old so DS and I went out for a few weeks too when out and about we'd be stopped literally every 20 metres or so by someone wanting to exclaim over DS or have their picture taken with him (I think the fact that DH was carrying him in a front carrier helped we didn't get quite as much of a reaction when I carried him).

I actually quite like it when people get interested in DS. I mean, clearly he's the most attractive, intelligent, charismatic (etc., etc.) child in the entire world, so they can hardly help themselves...

Mine were playing up today in a coffee shop, we got piss poor service which didn't help, the kids needed a drink. When I got to the till they said they didn't take cards for under £10 - no signs or mention of this anywhere but did I want to spend the difference in the shop to make it up to £10 - feck off i'd just paid £6. for a coffee and an orange juice or would i like to leave my car keys and walk a 6 year old and new babies up to the cash point.
I really was about to walk out when my 6 year old ran out of the shop to sit by the main road. After dragging her in the b1tch behind the counter said "it's hard with three isn't it"
I thought no actually the kids are the least of my problems you miserable cow, how i didn't thump her i don't know.

My DD used to have bad tantrums until she was 11. We found the best way to deal with her in public was to ignore her and keep walking, watching discretely from a safe distance. It used to drive me mad when some kindly stranger would approach and give her all the sympathy and attention she was after.