Please help me, feel like world's most awful parent

[Feelhorriblyguilty]

I've name-changed for this as I feel so bad about what I'm typing.

I've been increasingly struggling with this issue and it's getting worse and I really need help. I'm a lone parent with a 7 yr old DD. Her father's never been around and has no contact with her at all. I've done all the parenting alone, albeit with help from my mother from time to time.

I feel so bad to even write this down, but I find myself getting so frustrated and upset that my DD is not as academically minded as I was at that age and that she's unlikely to be the brightest in her class. I'm an only child, my parents were in their late 40s when I was born, I was privately educated and very precocious from a young age - talking fluently very early on, reading by three...top of the class throughout my school years, straight A grades in all exams, then Oxbridge and an MSc....My DD is so different - far more outgoing, friendly, laid back (I was/am neurotic), more artistic and into dance and drama. But she is not academic - she doesn't read books for pleasure and has to be cajoled to do her reading for school. We were recently reading Matilda together and when we came to the part about Miss Honey choosing books, and the horrible mother choosing looks, my DD piped up that she wanted to pursue the latter route in life . Throughout my life I've been driven by wanting to be the best and to be better academically than my peers. I love striving to get to the top and being rewarded once there. My DD has absolutely no interest in this whatsoever, and I feel increasingly frustrated with her when we come to do homework or in day to day activities such as shopping and working out the change due. I get horribly grumpy with her and cannot understand how she doesn't automatically 'know' the answer....she gets upset, I feel terrible, vow to be a nicer and more understanding mother, then the cycle repeats itself....

I feel that since DD is an only child I'm projecting onto her my aspirations. I sometimes feel that if I had other children who were more academic, I'd be far more relaxed about my DD. And I know and keep telling myself how lucky I am to have such a sweet, loving, pretty, healthy and sensitive child and I know I'm going down the path of screwing her up already. My parents had very high expectations of me and I can't find a way to stop having such expectations of my DD.

I know that I will be judged for this and I'm feeling so guilty to even admit to having such feelings. Does anyone have any words of advice or coping strategies?

I think it's wonderful that OP has been so honest about her feelings.

Here's my admission... I was labeled gifted as a child, so far, none of my DC are seeming as bright, which is kind of disappointing. Thing is, I want to think I'm the brightest person in the world (okay, now we're getting stupid). But it's true, and knowing that there's no limit to my ambitions helps me keep sight of the things to be grateful for with DC. They are actually doing well at school, they are reasonably nice people, they don't have major issues of any type, etc.

I really feel for you FHG and am going through a similar thing myself with DD1. Our situation is slightly different - I was academically-bright at school and achieved easily, but didn't carry that onto further education or a high-powered job! I spent a lot of time wondering what I wanted to do and never really getting around to it! I have had to study late in life at the same time as raising a family. I am anxious that my DDs may make the same mistake so I have become a bit 'pushy' with DD1 (almost 10) lately and I'm not very proud of it.

DD1 is very bright and has always excelled at school, but lately has had a change in attitude - basically, she can't be bothered! Last night I went crazy at her because she has had several days to complete a number of homework assignments and hasn't even started! This is alien to me - like you, I'm driven and a perfectionist and I tend to do everything on time, if not in advance. I'm fed up of nagging her and I know I've been a horrible mom this morning (there are other problems with DD1 other than this but I shan't go into that now - suffice to say I feel at my wits' end with her).

I know it's my problem though - like other posts have said, I need to chill and stop forcing my expectations onto my DD. It's hard though - you just don't want them to regret stuff later in life because you can't always make up for bad decisions.

Good luck with changing your attitude towards this - I'm hoping to join you.

Lots of hugs.

Only had time to read the OP so sorry if I'm repeating. I really don't think you should feel bad about this ... don't we all get frustrated with our DCs because they don't think like we do?? But last year we discovered DH had a life-threatening illness (he's doing very well now) and it really focused the mind about what matters in life. This is just my opinion but what matters to me is the end state, not the means to get there. So I am very grateful that I am content with my life, I love and am loved, and we are healthy. That's the key for me - contentment - and that's what I wish for my girls.

All the rest of it - academia, careers, possessions, basically your life choices - are irrelevant. I kind of now see them as ticks in boxes. Of course they matter in the sense that some of those will directly affect your quality of life, but what I'm trying to say is those life choices are very personal and what matters is where they lead, not what they are in themselves.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but basically I would like my children to make life choices that they enjoy and make them happy and healthy. I really don't much care (within reason ) what those choices are. Because if it is all about to be taken away from you, you realise it really doesn't matter one tiny little bit that you were top of the class, got a PhD, beat your sales targets, etc etc.

I think I've gone somewhat off track ... sorry

Thank you everyone for your messages...I feel happier knowing that I'm not the only one trying to deal with these issues. I think the point that Countingthegreyhairs made about raising an only child is part of the issue for me (and I don't think any more children are likely for a while yet, since I don't have a DH/DP and am also juggling career in law!)

My DD does do lots of extra-curricular bits and pieces - art, drama, dancing etc and really enjoys them and I love watching her perform on stage - she's so confident up there!

I'm also aware that I don't really want her to turn out like me; she has far more friends and a much nicer nature than I ever did as a child and she's very popular in school. I also remind myself that she's doing well in school too....

It doesn't help that my mother frequently comments to friends and family that DD 'isn't like her mother academically' and 'probably won't go to university' .....

I just need to learn patience and to back off from trying to 'help' DD academically, when all I end up doing is making us both feel awful!

Agree not helpful from your mother at all. You might want to remind her that you can go to university to study drama, art, music, pretty much anything! And 8 is a bit young to have her entire academic career mapped out.

My mum has labelled DD2 as a bit of a terror (she's only 2) so anything she does that is terror-like just goes to confirm that label, but all other behaviour (which is the majority) goes ignored. It's getting very annoying.

Your DD sounds like a very well-rounded young girl and you should (and sound like you are) incredibly proud of her and you.

Your dd sounds lovely! I feel like your twin, everything came pretty easily to me academically and I think my dd is my polar opposite. She's very pretty (!) and popular and ditzy, and has the attention span of a gnat. I wouldn't wish her my bookish, serious introspective, introverted childhood, though I was happy in my own way.
She is the other half of the jigsaw puzzle as I see it, she tells me what goes with what style-wise and does my hair, I help with her homework(if she asks). Enjoy it and hug yourself for recognising the problem. Your mum isn't helping and needs to back off, imo.

my dd is very clever and iquisitive. she also loves her dancing. she will chose dancing over reading anyday. she is v interested in lanuguages though. have you thought about teaching your dd another language? perhaos you could learn one together. she might enjoy this more than normal school work.

i fail to see my dd going onto uni even though she will probably be more than capable. ill try not too push her down a route she doesnt want to go but i cant see this being easy.

dd is far to interested in performance related things to concentrate a lot on school work but does well she applies herself.

she wants to grow up to be a mermaid or a popstar. and will work really hard at her dancing and singing to make this happen. i believe that is what she will continue trying to do and the way i see it is....

she will more than likely never be a popstar, unless she is very lucky. there is more than a high chance she could get into theatre, stage performances etc and if all that fails she could be a dance teacher. all things that she would love. all viable good careers. and we want them to be happy more than we want them to be sucessfull dont we?

Your mother is being plain silly trying to make predictions about a child of 7. I was a studious youngster at that age, lugging a dictionary around and teaching myself foreign languages. My brother at the same thing was a fluffy-brained little thing whose main interest in life seemed to be to fall about giggling. And guess which one of us is now a professor of Classical Greek, with an international reputation and some 20 foreign languages to his credit. Well, it ain't me, that's for sure.

SeaShells: One of dh's oldest friends is a dance teacher. Always seemed terribly glamorous to me (whose friends tends to be somewhat geeky).

OP - your mother is being very unhelpful indeed. I bet if my mum were around, she'd be buying dd make-up and teaching her the value of Finding Mr Right early (unlike her mother). Of course we will be fabulous grannies when our turn comes.

I think if I had been pushed I would probably have left school at 16. That's my nature. No-one ever enquired whether dh or I had done our homework (or if we had homework) - the concept is somewhat alien to me. There has to be a good compromise somewhere, between apathy and disinterest, and pushing too hard. I think any of us who have experienced only either extreme are probably a bit lost trying to find the middle road.

When I was about 7 one of the teachers told my mother I would be lucky to get a couple of GCSE's, my brother was always brighter. I went to uni and he didn't get enough gcses to do alevels. It really is too early to predict whether she will go to university, some of us find school work a challenge but work hard and get there, I'm dyslexic and it just took me a bit longer to work out how to write.

The qualities your dd has sound much more valuable than the ability to be able to more academic stuff. I do understand where your coming from though, my dd is only 10 mo and I don't care what she studies but I would love for her to go to university

It sounds to me as though you need to go and talk to someone because you obviously have issues and the right person might be able to help you by providing you with coping strategies and ways of changing your outlook with regards to your life and your hopes and aspirations for your daughter.

I'd start with your GP. I went to mine, feeling like a real time waster, because I had a phobia of driving and it was impacting every aspect of my life as I was beating myself up about it and therefore being really cranky with my DH and DDs. The GP didn't blink an eye (apparently 1 in 3 GP visits are about emotional/mental health and not sprained ankles etc.) and put me forward to see a Cognative Behavioural Therapy 'Shrink'. I went to see him and he helped me, and the way I think about things, a lot.

I can really understand how it must be difficult for you and how upset you must be getting about the fact that you can't just accept how different your daughter is to you ... but I think that if you went and talked to someone about it, they would be able to help you see 'the woods for the trees' (or whatever the expression is) and that they would be able to help you and your expectations for your daughter.

I hope I haven't overstepped the mark by saying all that. Best of luck for the future, I really hope that you find whatever it is that you need in order to help you relax about it all.

Hi again FeelingHorriblyGuilty, hats off to you for combining single parenthood + career in law ...

Sounds from your last post that part of this issue is connected to the fact that you are battling with a problem from your own childhood ie your mother's high expectations ... good on you for not repeating the pattern

I'm trying to do this also (similar problem - my mother was overly strict and always critical in a very negative way - still is) and I know how hard it is not to return to a "default" setting - ie our mother's way - particularly when stressed and tired ....

Also, I'm conscious that I always want dd to be the "unrealistically perfect" child for my mother and not to misbehave when we are visiting. I'm having to resist this too ....

I fail regularly on both counts and feel horrible but at least when I do I apologise (something my mother NEVER did) and we try and start afresh ....and I try and build up dd's self-esteem as much as possible in other ways ....

Don't want to sound rude but tell your mother to keep her opinions to herself. As others have said, it's far too young to be predicting your child's educational attainments ....not to mention totally unfair ....

Good luck. Your dd is happily engaged in activities she enjoys so (as I said before) you are doing everything right. So go change your name!!!! x

My DD isn't top of the class, or the soloist in the choir, or the lead violinist in the orchestra.
Yet I was at a disco with DD and her mates and the Mother of the girl who is all though things sighed and said she wished her DD was more like mine!!!From her perspective it was far better to be georgeous ( which DD is) and hilarious ( which DD is).

I was pushed by my parents, sent to a top private school and boarding school at 11. I was miserably unhappy. I even missed a school year because I was thought bright enough to be a year ahead.

In reality I was not that bright, just have a good photographic memory for exams etc. I hated boarding school and my parents had to take me out after a year.

They then took the sensible step of sending me to a non academic, middle of the road private secondary school and for the first time in my childhood I was really happy. I was not pushed and I did ok.

I did ok in life, I did do a degree which I got a 1st for (because of my ability to remember things and write well but not because of any high intelligence!) and an MA My job is ok - not great, lower management and little stress. It suits me fine. I earn a reasonable wage but never think about work once I leave.

I was not born to be a high achiever and I was miserable trying to achieve it.