Lost my temper - now feel awful

[memum]

My day so far...sorry to go on but I need to get it off my chest! I spent all of this morning playing with my toddler whilst newborn 4 week old baby slept as I was afraid he wasn't getting enough attention. I thought yes! todays is good - you're not a bad mum after all! I then cheerfully put the lunch on - when back to find my toddler had done a dirty nappy. No problem - I'll quickly change him. He REFUSED to let me change him and started running around the toy filled living room with me trying to grab him and also me getting closer and closer to losing my temper. Before long - temper was lost and I ended up shouting at him. He put his hand down into his dirty nappy -REFUSED to let me clean his smeared hands. ( I'm a bit obsessive about cleanliness - especially with newborn around!) Meanwhile - lunch is now burning on the hob! In mid shouting at him to stand still as I was trying to clean him (he wouldn't lie down!) he then asks for a cuddle - making me feel really bad. I take him upstairs to wash his hands. He won't and insists on brushing his teeth instead. I then shove the toothbrush at him. He wants another one. By now I am hissing at him through gritted teeth. (also swore I can hear all the parenting books in my head telling me that I am really handling this badly and losing control. I storm out of the bathroom announcing he will be going to his cot as he is being so naughty. He insists on laying on our bed instead. I take him downstairs he is screaming - and sort of push him to sit onto the settee (feel bad about this now )and then phone my husband at work to ask him where I'm going wrong as I really feel I am a rubbish mum. My son is now in his cot. His lunch (not too burnt) has been eaten by me. I feel I am failing. I don't know how to handle him at times. I know he was tired therefore can't be blamed. I am the adult and should know what to do. He is only 2! But why do I never think of all the sensible discipling strategies (time out etc)in the heat of the moment as I know I should????? I snap, I shout and then feel awful.

By the way - I did cuddle him (when he asked me before the toothbrush incicent) and have since cuddled him and apologised for shouting but still feel rotten. I must have shouted quite hard as my throat slightly hurts. Remember another thread where someone condemned shouting so hard that throat hurt so now feel even worse.

You're not alone, I too have ahd a bad mornign with my 2.5 yr old. I completely lost my rag with her and also heard all the parenting books telling me how badly I'm handling this. I'm 6mths pg and don't have a huge amoutn of patience at the moment. I've put her to bed and now feel dreadful...so sorry no advice just know that you're not alone.

You poor thing. You are clearly doing your level best. That is what matters. I only have one child and that can be hard enough. Mummy guilt is horrible but please give yourself a break, I'm sure ds is ok!
Sorry I don't have anything more useful to say, just wanted to offer some support!

You are not a bad mum by a long stretch of the imagination. If you have the energy to play with a 2 year old while haing a new born too, then of course you are doing a great job. Small people love to push the boundaries of the people that they love and trust the most, because they know that you will always be there for them when things have all calmed down. Leaving the room when you get really angry is a good strategy, I use it ALL the time!! My dd2 is 1.10 and pushes all the right buttons to get me mad! Remember your hormones are all over the place too. Keep posting and it WILL get easier. In the meantime lots of support and hugs.

He will be two then...............

This was going to be my reply and I was only halfway down your post.

Unfotunately they come with a button pushing manual inbuilt.

I don't shout too often , but when I do it is bloomin effective.

Try counting to 3 very slowly and when you are about to do it say, I am going to count to 3 and if you don't do what you are told you can go to your bed, or the naughty stair. Then if he persists, you have warned him.

FWIW he will have forgotten all about it, by the time he wakes up.

Wait until he gets to 3 and starts answering you back

I did the counting thing and said if you dont stop I will get angry. He didn't and I shouted X just cut it out.

His reply: actually (actually)(FFS) I stopped on 2 so there was no need to shout.

Stop beating yourself up we all have days like that.

Lots of love

LGJ

Oh poor you - and just when the storm dies down, the guilt leaps out and gets you, and it's even worse, isn't it???
Look, I think most of us have been there, you certainly are not a rubbish mum, just someone who had a very bad moment under considerable pressure. Toddlers do have to learn to grow up with real people with real emotions - not automatons invented from a parenting manual, you know! If he know that people occasionally snap, but love them nevertheless, he will come to no harm, and will grow up the stronger for it, IMO!

Thanks everyone. I feel better. I really needed to hear from a friendly voice and I have. Thank you,
c xxxxx

{{{{ hugs}}}}
I personally think that any mother who claims to has never had 'one of those days' will just have a harder time later on.
I'm sure it is all part of the 'training' we have to go through!

If you can, try and allocate some 'me' time into your day/week, then the toddler taming will seem less intense.
hth

i dont shout so much now and i found that it has payed off as my son seems to listen more!! work that one out ..i was getting worried that he would be immune to my shouting, which i think he was

dont feel bad about today, we have all had those days,

god!! i feel awful when ive shouted at ds all day, they push you to the limit dont they!!

someone told me to try this and i have and it works...

rather than shout when ds isnt listening eg need to get his nappy changed and he runs around, brush teeth and he wont come to you etc etc, start to talk really really quietly, this will intrigue them as to what you are saying so they come near you to listen..

this is me..

in a hush hush voice
'what a great day we had today, remember when we went to the park (by this time ds is wondering what im talking about so he comes to me, im not directly talking to him until he comes to me) do you know i thought i saw that big ..(this is where i pause whilst trying really quickly to do the task that i need to with him)...big...dragon...'(by this time im finished with him, obviously you make up your own thing but always talk in such a quiet voice that it takes all there attention to listen)

...it works with me it may not with you, my friend in toddler group said she tried it and all her son said is...WOT? WOT? CANT HEAR YOU MAM, WOT?

also has his behaviour changed since you had new baby, perhaps attention seeking? or was it just a bad day you were having with him, just remember you are a good mum and we all go through this...if you watch desperate housewifes the mother with the twins went through it last night!!

I made my DS cry today too

He has a chest infection so did not want to go to school. I tried to get him to have a sleep at lunchtime but he wouldn't so we went to make biscuits. Course he then kept doing the exact opposite of what I asked him to do and I ended up souting at him and he ended up crying.

He is ill and I am knackered as have not slept through for 2 weeks so I am cutting myself a bit of slack but still feel bad.

The first few weeks with a newborn are hard while you manage juggling everything. I burnt so many pans but now do not even attempt cooking unless everyone has been seen to and are watching TV

I had a huge bawl at my 2yo DD last night - awful.

The thing is we're only human - just cos we're adults doesn't make us perfect and infallible - it just means we'll try and learn from our experiences..

I know how you feel - don't worry - your're not alone. One afternoon, my DS (18 months) was being silly with his food and I just totally lost it - I pulled him out of his chair and put him on the ground (gently ) and then took his bib off and through it on the ground! He was so shocked! I felt terrible. I put him back in his chair and he started eating, no messing. I am usually very happy and smiley with him as he is very good most of the time, but like everyone, have my moments. It must be particularly hard with a newborn as well and your son is obviously wanting your attention. Don't give yourself a hard time - he will have forgotten all about it in the morning!